Complicated situation?

Question

I've been married for 14 years and have 3 kids. 2 girls ages 13, 10 and 1 boy who's 4. Well, I'm not happy in the relationship and haven't been for a long time. We don't really fight..we don't really talk and everything we have is petty much separate. Years ago, she cheated on me. Once after 2 years of marriage and the other time after 8 years of marriage. We were separated when the 2nd one happened but I didn't find out about it till we got back together. We were separated about 9 months. I just hate to divorce because of what it may do to the kids. I spend the most time with them and I take care of the whole family finances by myself. The relationship isn't bad for the kids really because we don't fight but I just hate being miserable all the time. I'm not sure what to do.

BTW, forgot to mention that she wanted us to do counseling about 5 years ago which I didn't want to really do but did it anyway. The counselor basically focused on her the whole time. Pretty much pointing out the fact that the problems were mostly from her. She did get better about the way she acts but, as always, it was short lived. She isn't really all bad, but doesn't show any affection. I remember his last words to her very well, he said "One day some other woman is going to come along and just give him a little attention and he'll leave. There's nothing more I can do for you"

Answer 1

You deserve to be happy. The kids will adjust and you would be amazed what kids knows that you think they don't. They probably know by now Mom and Dad aren;t happy.

Answer 2

If your unhappy leave..Your kids are old enough to understand and they will get over it as long as both you and your wife are their for your kids things will be fine...
Kids become rebellious because in most cases when a divorce happens either one of the parents leave and seeing the kids becomes less and less and often the children may think that the divorce was their fault...
That is why it would be a good idea to sit down and talk to all of the kids and tell them whats going on, let them no it's not their fault...
Just because you get a divorce doesn't necessarily mean that the children will be messed up from this, that may or may not happen and all you have to do is be their for them like you are now...
If your unhappy your children probably know it and i don't think that makes them any happier..Say your daughter was in a unhappy marriage, totally miserable would you want her to stay in it? No you would probably want her to be happy, right?
Well you can't go on being miserable for the rest of your life, it has to end sometime, this is not good for you nor the children nor the wife..
I would suggest sitting down and having a long talk with your wife about all of this. Does she feel the same??? If so you guys can come too an agreement of some sort..Talk with your kids too....
Do what's right for you not just the kids, they will be fine as long as both of you are still there for them..

Answer 3

Being in a bad marriage is just as bad as being divorced for your children. Even if you’re are not screaming and yelling, there is still tension that your kids can feel. Go to some family counseling, the whole family, and couples counseling together. Either you will find a way to become happy in your marriage again, or find that divorce is the answer for you.

Answer 4

You could have a "false" marriage. That being, you and your wife agree to maintain the appearance of the relationship, with the intent that it is over and you are only keeping it for the kids. As for required needs, as long as it is discreet, the other party should not object.

It sounds like the relationship is over, just that you want to take care of your kids. So, be realistic. If you feel that you can't stay in this relationship, go do what you have to do. If possible, though, it would be better for the kids if you and your wife stayed (or appeared to) together.

If you choose a false relationship, go out and get yourself a life. No need to be miserable.

Answer 5

I would first advise marriage counseling, though not in the sense that you are trying to mend what is already broken. But, so that a 3rd party who is wise and understanding can sit down and help you and your wife get things out into the open. She might tell you that she was thinking the same thing. And that might help you sit down with the older two kids and explain it. Divorce and a custody battle is always tramatic for kids, but kids are also very intuitive. They know daddy isn't very happy, but they don't know why and really won't understand it fully for years to come. But, Daddy, you do need happiness for yourself.

Answer 6

Did you forgive her for cheating on you? If so you made your chose at that time. Its very hard on the children when their is a divorce. If you do then don't get the kids in the middle of it and don't make them take sides! Don't talk bad about each other in front of them. Put all of your attention on the children and not a girlfriend or boyfriend which ever the case may be. Put God in your life and things will work out.

Answer 7

I am sure what you should do, I married a woman who had 2 kids from a previous marriage, after a while, about 8 or 9 years, I didnt want to be with her anymore, but, those kids were like my own, their real father is a lousy bum, I stayed there, as husband, and father, then as grandfather when the girl had kids and needed to move back in, she is on her own and doing good, my job was done, then we split up. You need to stay a family for those girls, no matter what you say, think, feel, wish, does not matter, a divorce will have a lifelong effect on all 3 of them.

Answer 8

Even without loud arguments and such, your kids (the older 2 at least), most likely sense that something is amiss. It is not always the best thing for the children for two parents who are married ''in name only'' to remain together. You need to take a good long look at what you really want out of life, no one deserves to be miserable all the time, and life is too short to let someone else drag you down into despair. You're kids, with the support you offer them and the help of any (good hearted) relatives, will likely adjust much better than you think they will. I hope everything works out for you!

Answer 9

Some people stay in loveless marriage for the sake of their kids, but the kids never really see happy parents. Why not take the kids with you? Fathers do get custody of the kids more often now. Sit down with your wife and talk about the possibility of divorcing and you having custody of the kids. It's an option for you. You only live once and your kids deserve to see happy parents, not drones just existing.

Answer 10

Leave. You can't stay for the kids, and your misery will affect them in the long run. Kids know and feel when something's not right with mom and dad. It'll be hard on them, but parents in separate houses, or two sets of happy parents, are much better than parents who don't talk, laugh, communicate or love each other.

Answer 11

So you really think your kids don't notice that you two do not have a great relationship. Staying together for the kids does not do them any favors. You are setting them up for their own failed relationships or not being happy in a relationship. I sure know that parents waiting on a divorce later does not make it any easier on the kids. My parents got divorced when I was 30 and it was really bad. You deserve to be happy and if you are really sure that you just cannot make it work with your wife. (which would be the best solution) then leave.