How does someone get over being hurt after a spouse has commited the act of adultery? Can you forgive?

Question

It is easy to say just leave but what if the history between these two people is so intense and long that it is not so easy to just throw in the towel? How does someone get over the ultimate act of betrayal and learn to love and trust that person again with the passion they had before the act? How long is the healing process? Is it normal to want to know every single detail? Will the feelings of worthless go away? Is it normal for the person with whom did not cheat to feel guilty? What does the spouse who commited the act have to do to earn trust back in his favor?

I want to know the answers to these things from those who have dealt with this and survived. How long have you been together after the act of adultery and has it ever to your knowledge happened again. If you commited the act, did you feel guilty? Did you earn your right to a place in the other persons life? How did you do it?

Thanks everyone!

Answer 1

You have no choice but to forgive if you are going to really get on with living your own life.


But forgiveness doesn't mean there aren't consequences, and I couldn't stay with somebody who did that, myself.

Answer 2

Honestly you never get over it you only learn to live with it. Some people can, and some people can't. It does change everything as you once knew it to be. It's like you both have to start over and recommit once again to the relationship.It takes along time to rebuild your trust......but you still always look over your shoulder. It's a shadow that hides deep within your heart. To earn back trust after one has broken it the person that was shattered from it has to know that the other person is truely sorry. They do this by acknowledging the problem from time to time reminding you they are sorry that they ever hurt you. That person has to take full responsibiliy for the choice they made against the relationship. Never blaming the other person for their selfishness. The person offended needs lots of hugs and assurance from the one that did the cheating. That person also has to realize that you will have days when you think about it and may get angry all over again. He needs to allow her to bring up the hurt when she needs to talk about it. It could take years. If the person realizes he truely made a mistake he will stand strong beside her and carry her pain. It will take alot of counseling for the person to understand why he allowed this to happen, so he can take precaution for that not to happen ever again. When two people have been together for a long time you cannot just take those emotions and suddenly stop loving them. The person who was cheated on is hurt and it feels like a death from everything that was. If the cheater never gives the other person a reason to doubt him the cuts could heal, but there will always be a scar across her heart that will remind her that once it was broken. Good Luck and best wishes.

Answer 3

Jenn,

This is something really tough to rebound from. I have been with my fiance now for almost 10 years. About 5 year ago he cheated on me. It was VERY tough to rebound from, and believe me, it took about 2 years for me to truly move past it...one thing I will say is that you will never forget what happened, and you will probably never completely forgive...it's a case of the relationship and you and the other person having the strength to move past it. You need to flush out your feelings, and perhaps even seek some counseling. There were days when I really felt I would go off the deep end, and it was hard! There are some really great websites that have online chat support groups and message board groups. Believe me, it helps tremendously to talk to someone who has gone through it. Some people work things out, some don't. Some people realize they were truly in the wrong, others will do it again.

There is no real way for the person to earn your trust back other than to be completely honest and never to cheat again. I know part of me needed to know EVERY detail of what happened, when, how, why, etc. You may need this, but don't torture yourself with the details either. Once you hear them it is tough to move past them.

Good luck. If you need to chat, the email is: [e-mail]

Answer 4

About 2000 years ago this guy coined a phrase called unconditional love. It may even be possible. If you consider adultery as the ultimate act of betrayal then you need to step away from your religion a bit and look at the reality of the situation. Sex is the 3rd strongest drive in the male of the species, right after breathing and eating. An upstart religion about 1000 years ago said that god wanted people to have only one spouse. He didn´t day that but the religion said he did and far to many people bought into that. Guys have 3 states of mind, they are cheating, they are thinking about cheating or they are thinking about the consequences of cheating, but I don´t like the word cheating. You have 2 choices. Pack it in, or work with what you have. If you hang onto your religion then the healing process will last until you die. If you take a more practical approach then the healing process will be only as long as it takes you to realize both of you are human and work with that.

Answer 5

It takes a while to get over being cheated on. For me, it took a few weeks to get over the worst of the direct pain, but more than a year before I even began to trust her again, and we broke up for other reasons, before I had felt like she wouldn't betray me.

It may be normal to want to know all the details, but trust me, you don't really want to know any of them, or as few as possible. All knowing the details will do, is put clear pictures in your head of things you don't want to think about at all, let alone in detail. Those kind of images never really go away either. They just pop up at random moments, and then hang around for a while.

Yes those feelings of worthlessness will fade, if you let them. Just remind yourself that you did nothing wrong, and that being cheated on is not due to some flaw in you.

It's normal for both the cheater, and cheted on to feel guilt. In the first case, it's well deserved, and if they don't then you should leave. The cheated on will often feel guilty for providing some imaginary reason, or excuse for the the cheater having cheated. The only way for them to earn back trust, is to be patient, and to demonstrate that they are worthy of trusting again. That will take both time, and working at it to regain trust.

Answer 6

@Muhammed: you want 4 witnesses once you're accusing only a random individual, yet once you're the husband/spouse then you definitely do not so a strategies as i understand. Stoning to death isn't the Islamic penalty for adultery, so i will assume you mean 100 lashes. I surely do not understand. My wakeful recommendations says no yet i do not understand what form of emotions should be operating by ability of me on the time and how a lot movements it ought to enable me to take action Allahu a'lam. i guess it relies upon on truly some issues as well (how lengthy we've been married, how i realized, etc.). yet i will genuinely get myself a divorce asap.

Answer 7

I do not think that adultery is "the ultimate act of betrayal." How about not helping you when you are sick? How about selling your house without your knowing? How about molesting your child?

I know women think adultery is very bad, but most of the times it is just a passion of the minute and it is not worth leaving him, kicking him out and cutting his ties with the children. You hurt them more than you hurt him.

I'm saying this after my wife cheated on me. Why should I care? If she likes me, she will come back. If she doesn't come back, she did not love me strong enough. Either way I cannot do a thing.

Gabe

Answer 8

You just have to forgive your husband. Until you do you wont ever be able to move on and be happy with someone else. My Ex-Hubby had an internet affair in which he met the girl, He was my high school sweetheart and we were married 2 1/2 years and were together total 6. I had to go to couseling and got help and it helped me a lot. Another thing that helped me is prayer and support from my family. I now have a husband who loves me and gave me a precious baby boy. Forgive him as hard as it seems. In time you will find your one true love. Hope this helps. Good luck!!

Answer 9

I would have to say 8-12 moths is the time frame to become "healed". This all depends on how "Deep" your relationship was. You will get over it and move on. You will one day think clearly again, and gain focus. Don't sweat it too much. Every human is different, no matter how close you ever thought you were.
Love yourself first. That is the greatest gift of all.
Good luck sweetheart.

Answer 10

I have not personally gone through it but I went through it with a good friend so I do understand. One thing she was told is you have to forgive and forget. Forgetting is the most important if you are to continue in the marriage. What you need to do is talk with your husband. Find out his thoughts. He may be telling you he doesn't want a divorce because it will cost him his home, kids, and a bunch of child support. What is easier for him is to just continue and stray when he feels like it. You need to realize that everytime he calls that he will be coming home late for work, you will think he has been with another woman. It is just human nature now that you have been betrayed. Has your husband told you he is sorry? Or is he sorry he was caught? Big difference. I would tell you to go see a divorce lawyer tomorrow to find out your rights. Do not tell him until you have made your decision. He may have already talked to a lawyer himself. And under no circumstances if it comes to divorce, use his lawyer! No! His lawyer will have your husbands interests and not yours. Good luck to you, Sweetie.

Answer 11

You need to speak to a professional to help you answer all your questions. For me personally, it ripped my heart out. Unable to forgive. Trust is powerful in my eyes. Once broken, there is no going back. I dont care what one may think they have/had. If the relationship is/was all that you say, then there should be no reason for the betrayal. That is my experience and belief.