What do you do when you are in a dead end relationship, and you are only staying for the sake of your child.?

Question

My husband have been married 11.5 years and I have an 8 year old son, husband is a good guy, just lazy. I love him but I am not in love with him, should I stay, or should I go? I don't want to rock my sons world. My husband and I went through a custody battle with his ex-wife, and I don't like what it did to my step-son. Don't want my son to go through all of that.

Answer 1

Maybe you should get into personal counseling to figure out why you're bored and even considering such a drastic move. There's no way that this will not affect your child. Maybe you two still have time to revive this marriage?

Answer 2

Well, then the decision is really up to you, something you will have to come to terms with. On one hand you will be staying in a marriage that is not your idea of perfect, but your son will have a family, and on the other hand, you will be leaving a bad marriage and will be happier, but your son might suffer. It's a tough one. I always say that it is not good for people to stay married simply because of the children, because it is not good for the children to see thier parents unhappy and think that is what life is supposed to be like, but the reality is that there is no all around "great" outcome for this. Your son will miss his father, there may be a custody battle, he may resent you for leaving, these are just simple truths. So...do what your heart dictates, but if it were me, I would practice being a good actor for at least the next three or four years until my child was in the neighborhood of 13 or 14 and better able to deal with the issue. Good luck.

Answer 3

Go to marriage counseling (go without him if he refuses to go)...

Find out exactly what your feelings are....

Decide exactly what you are willing to put up with.. factor in the fact that children learn thier behaviors by observation as well as instruction...

If you and your husband are fighting etc. decide if that is a healthy enviroment for your son..

Sometimes parents staying in a marriage only for the sake of thier child(children) don't realize the child is picking up on all the stresses and actually blaming themselves for the arguements in the household..

Children most often do not want thier parents to divorce but at the same time they are internalizing the arguements and fights thinking they are somehow thier fault..

There are alot of factors to consider when ending a marriage one of those factors is ... In 5 years will my children have a more stable calm enviroment without two parents in the immediate household than with... If the answer is yes then the child will be better off living through the bumpy patch during a divorce...

What you saw happen with your step son will not necessarily happen with your son... A custody battle involves two parents (or others) fighting over what is best for the child.. Considering your husband has already gone through one battle he knows what it will do to a child and may be willing to avoid a battle with you in the interest of the child...

Divorce need not be bitter and a battle...

Answer 4

First of all, you don't have to make it a battle. Have you tried talking to him about not being so lazy? Does he have a job? If you're not in love or happy then get out of it. If you're the one financially supporting the family then it's a big problem. I think it affects a child more mentally when you stick around in a relationship that is no good vs. getting a divorce. If you do get a divorce, take your child to a child psychologist to help him better understand why things happened. He's old enough to understand. I'm not sure if marriage counseling will work at this point because no counseling in the world will make you love him again. That's only something you and him have to work on together. Good luck.

Answer 5

I personally believe that if at all possible parents should stay together. You can make arrangements that can include separate rooms, separate vacations, etc. This will only work if there is no animosity between you two. As far as when you should go....you will know, there will be no question in your mind, and you'll be gone before you have time to type a question here.
I stayed for the children for 2 years, at the point I left, I knew I could no longer tolerate the situation. But if I didn't stay and try I would have questioned whether or not I did the right thing. I can honestly say that I tried as hard as I could, and it was time to "give up"...I think my ex did too.

Answer 6

You're not in love with him but you love him...interesting.
Like they've said, try to find out, first of all, if there's any hope.

I stayed for the children's sake three years, eventually she decided she wanted freedom, got it and then repented. too late, I was in another relationship already.

The children can not be the reason to stay because regardless they suffer and get the wrong examples and impressions. BUT the parents MUST consider the alternatives and the possible outcomes.

Some people try a temporary separation (time-out) during which they date and talk and counsel so as to try to revive the old feelings and stuff.

Don't make it too easy on yourself, relationships takes work and so does family. And I bet as you look back, 11 years went pretty fast, didn't they? Seek happiness and harmony.

Answer 7

Sounds like there is still wiggle room for making your marriage work. Eleven years is a long time, and I don't think you should just throw in the towel. Couples counseling is a good idea. Does your husband know you are thinking about leaving? How does he feel about it. As far as loving him but not being in love with him...that is a fine line and a simple mental shift often fixes it. You know first hand the carnage a divorce can cause on your child. Will you be able to live with yourself if you hurt him when you haven't done everything possible to prevent it?

Answer 8

Since you know what a custody battle has done to your step-son, try and work it out with your husband for the sake of your child.

Go to counseling or better yet don't waste the money and do simple little things to boost your feelings for your husband. Start out by listening to a song that reminded you of him, when you felt for him. Think back on times when the relationship was good. Do little things for him that you know will make him happy. Do little things for yourself that you know will make you happy. Say loving words and maybe this will help.

Answer 9

Well after 11 years things have probably gotten a little old. You sould try your best to fix things for the sake of your child but if you see no hope at happiness then you should move on. It is not good for your son to see his parents in a loveless marriage either. If you can be adults about a separation or divorce that will benefit your son.

Answer 10

Get some counseling, hon. Best money you will ever spend. You may find that there are things you both can do to make your marriage better..... as marriages/ relationships age, things evolve, and butterflies are no longer there, and they never will be again.... a nice comfort level takes its place. If butterflies are what you are looking for, you are looking in the wrong place. You need to be single, and have nothing but a long string of two month screwing affairs. Ask any counselor. But that isn't usually very satisfying. You and he need to re-connect, and a therapist can help you. And you both can read the book listed below to keep your love alive. No, divorce isn't the answer, hon. Personal growth, outside interests, time together, etc., to reform your bond IS the answer.... Good luck, hon.---

For You Both by Lonnie Barbach. She is THE sex and marriage counselor in the nation today.... worth every dime, and cheap in paperback....

Answer 11

Make life for your son and yourself as good as it can be. You don't need to depend on your husband for your life's fulfillment. He can choose to grow with you or not. Do what makes you happy even though you choose to stay, even if only for your son. Take some classes, join some groups, start a new business, go to the gym more, read more books, write a book or two.... You get the idea. Stop moping around acting as if a dead end relationship makes you dead end. It doesn't! God bless.