Can you have a trusting marriage if your mate's friends are of the opposite sex?

Question

My husband has a best friend who is a girl from Jr. High, tons of other friends that are of the opposite sex. Hardly, any male friends. He sneaks to talk to them after I go to sleep, never introduces me to them except one. All of his good friends use to be ex girlfriends. Doesn't want to tell me when he talks to them because it "may freak me out." I never thought I was the jeolous type, but its weird to wake up in the middle of night and he is another room whispering. Majority of his friends are out of town, so he isn't cheating. But I am really trying to trust him and not be some jeolous wife. But its getting hard. These are friends before we even started dating.

Answer 1

You can if you know these friends, we all have friends before marriage and that doesn't mean you have to give them up, but if sneaking to talk with them I would not like. My ex was jealous of a male friend I had for years before we met, I introduced them so he would see we were just friends. There were times when I would talk to my friend without telling my ex because of the tension it made in our marriage. I was not cheating and felt I should not have to give up a friend who had been there for me when I needed someone to talk with, so when he would call with problems I did talk to him and didn't tell my ex. It would have only caused more problems. Now, I never talked in the middle of night or anything like that, but some will say you can't have friends of the opposite sex and nothing going on, yes, you can. What your describing is a little bit unusual, but he could also be doing it that way to save problems with you. It is best to know the friends he has. I would be a little concerned if he did this in the middle of the night and couldn't talk to them any other time, could they be married also?

Answer 2

I believe that a man can have friends of the opposite sex, however there should be no need for him to hide it from you. I am a married woman with very few female friends but numerous male friends. My husband is aware of this and has no problem with them. We talk on the phone occasionally but I never go into another room to talk to them if my husband is around because I have nothing to hide. One of my very best friends is a male, we have been friends since the 5th grade and we have been there for each for every major event in life. I am the Godmother to his children and he is the godfather to mine. If he isn't including you there may be something to hide.

Answer 3

One thing that newlyweds have a hard time with is sacrifice. I mean sure, all newlyweds know they have to sacrifice time, effort, money, and a lot of other things when they get married but they are often very ignorant to the fact that they also have to sacrifice acquaintences that could potentially cause problems down the road.

Not to say your husband is or will cheat but friends of the opposite sex are bad news in a marriage. That opinion is very unpopular with a lot of people I know and many couples that I counsel but believe me when i tell you it is very true. Nevermind the fact that your husband has only introduced you to one of his female friends or that he calls them after you're asleep (which, in my business is what we call a "red flag"), but when you and him have problems, who is he going to call? A friend. And from what you've told us so far, chances are, it's going to be a female friend. Nothing is more attractive to men and women than someone they can talk to about their problems. It's not a bad thing, that's just the way it is. The fact is, most men and women want their mates to be someone they can talk to which is generally one of the main elements of attraction to the opposite sex.

Here are some finds you may be interested in (keep in mind this is based on my patients and about 40 of my colleagues in the Philadelphia area which is a small sample relative to all of the couples in this country and the world, but I feel it's a big enough sample to give at least some merit): Of the couples I and my collegues have counseled that have been happily married ("happily married" meaning they are honestly happy with their spouse and know beyond the shadow of a doubt that they made the right decision in choosing him /her) 20 years and longer, the #2 secret of their success is not having close friends of the opposite sex which meant that each spouse trusted eachother 100%.

Now this isn't saying you absolutely cannot have friends of the opposite sex, that's not what I'm saying at all. But friends of the opposite sex need to be kept at a distance so as to not create mistrust with your spouse. I know it's an unpopular view these days but it is absolutely neccessary if you want to have a long lasting, HAPPY, and trusting relationship.

One question that I pose to couples I counsel all the time is "do you trust him/her?" The answer is almost always yes. Then I ask them, "what if he/she worked very closely with an attractive woman/man?" Most of the time the answer stays at "yes" but there's a little hesitation. Then I take it one step further. "what if he/she were in a room alone with an attractive man/woman after a few drinks?" At that point they REALLY hesitate, look at eachother, and before they can answer, i say "of course you don't trust him/her. You're human!" And we all share a laugh because we know it's true. The point is, no man or woman would trust their husband or wife with an attractive man, in a room alone, after a few drinks whether they want to admit it or not. That's just wishful thinking. However, not putting yourself in situations that could potentially damage your relationship is what trust is all about. We're human, we have eyes and we know what we like. That's the way it is. But it's up to us not to put ourselves in "harm's way" and that's what builds trust.

Your husband probably won't do this and you probably won't ask him to but the only way you're going to have a trusting relationship is if your husband keeps these friends at a distance. This is the only way you'll be able to fully trust him. If your husband REALLY loves you, he'll at least consider it. Unfortunately old habits die hard and these friends were around before you so it's not looking good for you. At least talk to him about it because trust me, this WILL cause strain in the relationship on both ends...it's a mathematical inevitability. I see it all the time...

Answer 4

You would have no reason to be jealous if he wasnt going behind your back (after you are asleep) to talk to women he refuses to introduce you to. I think you should insist that he stop sneaking away from bed to talk to these women and treat you like his wife and trust that you would have no need to be worried as long as he wasnt sneaking around and giving you reason to worry. See how he reacts. If he doesnt even bother to give you a chance to show you wont be the crazy jealous wife, I would assume its because HE has something to hide, in which case the next step in this untrusting relationship is up to you.

Answer 5

at as quickly as from Leykis one 0 one: except they are gay, male buddies choose to have intercourse with their woman buddies. If the guy did no longer discover the girl beautiful interior the 1st place, he in all probability does not have hung out together with her interior the 2d place. He basically could no longer close the deal. Even worse, he grew to become her pal. in the event that they the two get below the impression of alcohol at the same time and she or he provides intercourse, he will take her up on it. Be very careful of ladies that spend too lots time with their guy buddies. If she disagrees with the above, have her call and flirt with one among her guy buddies and ask him if he could come over and pound her this evening. maximum probable he would be ringing the doorbell previously she hangs up.

Answer 6

The question isn't really about the friends, but where your husbands emotional connection is located. Is he telling everything to his friends, then not have an emotional connection to you? For example, if he has a bad day at work, do you hear about it?

I'd suggest that you both, or you alone if needed, visit a marriage counselor.

Answer 7

Does he like it when you talk to guy friends, especially ex-boyfriends? Would he like it if you talked to them and hid it from him? Would he trust you? Turn the tables on him and see how he likes it. My feelings are he won't.

Answer 8

you should know every female friend that he has. talk to him!!! let him know how you feel, and that you are uncomfortable. he wouldn't like it if it were the other way around. if you like, do the same to him. sneak to talk to your male friends away from him and see if he like's it. betcha he'll stop!

Answer 9

maybe because of how you behaving, you're causing him to react this way, give the man a chance, let him have his friends, expecially if you know he's not cheating.