Husband doesn't want more children...how do you deal with it?

Question

After many LONG discussions, I have finally realized that my husband isn't going to budge when it comes to having more children. Together we have a 3 year old son. I also have 2 step kids; a 17 year old stepdaughter who lives with us and a 21 year old stepson that has his own family. I'm only 29 and my husband is 40.

I am having a hard time coming to terms with this decision. For those of you in the same situation, how do you deal with it?
I am not looking for answers about how to change my husband's mind or how to "get pregnant anyway" because I am not a liar or deceitful. I guess I just need help getting over my desire to have another child.

wow, this is a hot topic! just to be clear...

i am very happy in my marriage. my husband didn't want to have any more children when we got together, and i knew it. i didn't want any either. but that changed after 5 years of marriage and we agreed to have one. i love my son very much and just the thought of having one more, so he could have a buddy for life and to watch them grow together brings a tear to my eyes, but i also think BOTH parents have to agree. just because i would carry the child and stay at home with them doesn't mean it is only MY decision. we have a very 50/50 relationship and we make decisions together.

my husband has valid reasons for not having another: his age, money, and we can provide better for our son by being more attentive and more financially secure. i am not angry or upset that we are not having another child. i just need to get through my feeling of wanting another and wanted to know how to go about doing so.

****alright, i think i am confusing a few people here!

i am NOT trying to talk my husband into another child. we have discussed it at great lengths and it just isn't going to happen. i know that. I'M NOT TRYING TO CHANGE HIS MIND. I'M NOT TRYING TO GET PREGNANT WITHOUT HIS KNOWLEDGE.

I simply want to know how other women in my situation (wanting another child, but both have agreed it is best not to) are going about getting over their "want" or "desire" to have one. what are you doing? what helps you get over it?!?!?

Answer 1

I don't think you can get over your desire for another child, but a couple of options that might help you. Talk to your husband and see if he might consider being a foster parent with you, or maybe consider adopting a child together. At the end of the day, these decisions have to be mutual, but these options might be helpful for both of you. Good Luck.

Answer 2

I am really grateful you asked this question. I'm 33 and have two children myself. I divorced a while back. My youngest is 10, almost 11. I have been struggling with the decision to get a vasectomy for about a year now. I kept thinking, well what if I meet someone who doesn't have kids and wants some. On the other side, I know I don't want more kids. Reading through some of the responses to your question made me realize there are some very deceitful women out there and I am going to get one so that I never have to worry about "Oops, I got pregnant Honey".

Answer 3

Well, there are several things at play here. You DO have a busy household, for one. Secondly, what was the decision the two of you made before you were married? Third, what is your husband's reason?
I've been married over 17 years and we have a 15 year old son. We always talked about and planned a larger family, but it was just not to be! It took a long time to actually get "over" it, but I did - I still have twinges. Am grateful to have the child we do, though.

Answer 4

I went through this also after having two miscarriages after having my twins. My husband didn't want to go through the heartache of trying again and said that we should just focus on our children that we had. At first I was mad at him and resentful but then I saw his point of view. In your husbands case being around his age I can also see his point of view. He is getting older and already has a child with you and grown older kids. After your little one is grown in 15 years he still wants to be young enough to go do things and enjoy time with you and him. You are still young and you are going to have to come to terms with this or this can cause serious problems in your marriage. Try to see his point of view also. At least you have one beautiful child together. The thought of kids are sometimes stressful on men because right away they also think about the money involved that goes with them where we tend to think oh a little baby...and get all gushy. They don't stay babies for long as you know. Good luck, I know how you feel. I am ok with it now even though sometimes I still have my wishful moments and hopefully you will be ok with it at some point.

Answer 5

I have a daughter with my husband he has 3 from previous marriage he is determined not to have anymore. He said that before our girl was conceived as well, but things happen and here she is. To only have the one child is a blessing, i love her, but have come to realize that one is better than 2, seeing as how i dont have to split myself to share time, she gets a lot of attention, etc etc. Two kids i think would be a lot harder, more arguments, fighting amongst themselves. I thank the Lord I have this one little blessing, and am happy with her. Be glad for one, many women cant even have that. Good luck and i hope I helped a little

Answer 6

Honey, you can not "get over" the wanting of another child. I thought I was finished after my third but I longed for another baby when I was 37 and after a few months my husband finally agreed. To be honest, if I were rich, I would have had more and I have four already! There is nothing better for me than being pregnant, giving birth, and holding and caring for a baby. I honestly don't think it's fair if you only have one child. You should be able to have at least one more, and maybe you can just slowly talk to your husband about, tell how you feel, why you want another baby, explain how it would work (financially and otherwise) and don't do it in a confrontational way. Just explain to him how very important this is to you and maybe he will begin to realize it and come around.

Good Luck!

Answer 7

ok chick here it is. If you and your husband both decided not to have kids before you got married and he relented an went ahead and had one anyway, do you not think it not selfish to want another? He realized that you had never had one so he agreed to the first one. That is great. that's a sign that he takes your life cycle and needs seriously. but then you are frustrated because you want him to sacrifice himself again and he won't? This is something that was agreed upon before the marriage. stop trying to change his mind and change yours. he has given you what you wanted (a child) now give him what he wants (no more).

Answer 8

why do you have to get over your desire. Why would he get the last decision in the matter? I would sit down with him and tell him that you understand the age difference but this is your life and you love him so much that you want to bring in another life to love and care for. You need to decide if this is a deal breaker for you. Ask yourself this. Does having another child mean more to you than anything, such as if you were 70 would you regret not having another baby? If so then you really need to discuss this further. I wouldnt give up so easily.

Answer 9

I understand where you are coming from. Im glad you were at least able to get one kid out of him. I on the other hand am 28 no kids and will soon inherit 2 step children and have already been told that he really does not want anymore. Although if I really wanted one we would have one.
I know its hard to see his other children and want more yourself. But just imagine how loud and annoying they are when they run around the house. Try to imagine how much work it will be to clean up after all of them. All the laundry you will be doing and all the different meals you would cook because they want cereal instead of chicken. Your 3yr old will be able to have more since he is really the only child here.

Answer 10

Okay I understand you want another child and he doesn't. It sucks that its that way but like you said you understand that it is no going to happen. It sounds like he is done with the whole children thing because he is older now and another child just means more money to be spent. Everyone deals with things differently and you are going to have to decide what is more important. Your relationship with your husband or another child.