WHAT AM I DOING ? Should I get married now or call it off?

Question

i'm 21 and i'm getting married to a 31yr man in June. sometimes i feel as if my finance doesn't understand me. At one time i could tell my finance everything but now i feel like i can hardly talk to him, because i'm afraid of what he might say or think of me. We have been together for 4years and he's really a good guy. he's very special to me i just feel like we don't relate anymore. he was my first boyfriend and i'm very curious to see what's out there. My closest friends says that i should not marry him and some of my family members think that he's controlling. My friend tells me that there are RED FLAGS that i don't see. I try to think of those FLAGS but its sometimes hard to see when you think your in love. I think partially why i'm staying with him is because i'm scared of being alone. I'm scared of what my life would be without him because i have never had to work for anything in my life. I'm walking into a marriage with everything i could ever want: (car, house, security)

Answer 1

You are young. You will find someone that is respectfull to you. Since there is more than one person telling you to call it off, I am saying to call it off as well. Your family & friends see something wrong and they are telling you to help prevent you from making a huge mistake.
Don't worry, you won't be alone forever unless you chose to have it that way.

Good Luck!

Answer 2

Well I can see why you feel like you want to marry him-you'll be well taken care of. The material things shouldn't matter though. It seems as if that's what's more important to you. If you want those things then work for it. You don't need a man to have a car, house & feel secure. I have all that on my own and I'm only 25. There is an age difference between you two. Some people say age is nothing but a number. But what about maturity level. I think at one point you were able to talk to him because he was younger....maybe hip & cool...he could understand you. The older he gets, the way he thinks and sees the world changes. You're so young right now. Enjoy life. Date other guys and don't get serious. If a guy's the right one you'll know. Maybe right now you feel like you don't need anyone else. But you still have a lot to learn. From the time I was 21 until now I've learned alot. You shouldn't let him be your first and last boyfriend. If you're unhappy now, you'll be even worse later. And who cares what anyone thinks? Including him. If he cares about you then he'll want you to be happy even if it's not with him. So prevent a future divorce. Marriage should be forever!

Answer 3

Well, since happiness don't count for anything. The first thing you said out of your mouth was that you were getting married and you don't believe your boyfriend understand you anymore. There's your RED FLAG right there. If you have any doubt, not your family or friends. When things feel like they are going in a different direction in which you like them to, this is the time for you to write down your likes and dislikes about the guy. Then see which one out weigh the other. Also I am firm believer in what your first mind tell you is the right answer. You are young, you got some more growing up to do, you will see there isn't always a perfect answer to everything. Unless a car, house and security is all you want from a man. Well then you lucky devil you are set for life. If I was you I would experience life more before I get married to anyone.

Answer 4

Ok, from what I understand from this, unfortunately you are marrying for the wrong reasons. If there are Red Flags that others see that you don't, that's the first bad sign. The second one is because you are afraid of being alone. The third one is you're thinking that because of the materialistic things, it;'ll make your feelings go away and "assure" you are doing the right thing. Trust me, you aren't. It will catch up to you later and one of you will wind up wanting out, probably him.

I say this because if he's mentally mature enough to get married and then later sees that you honestly just aren't, he might want out. You're young and impressionable, and we've all been there, so this isn't a personal attack on you =) I'd stop everything, Go hang out with friends, meet new people, you're young! I was engaged two years ago and broke it off , we met and were engaged in five months, and I realized he wanted an employee and not a wife. My family saw it before me. I haven't looked back since =) and now I'm in a wonderful relationship now =) AND there's not a thing wrong with being alone. That's how you find yourself, your needs, likes, dislikes, views, etc... Good Luck!!

Answer 5

you're still young and you have a lot to experience and to accomplish on your own. If you see that you two are not getting along anymore, a ring will not be the solution. Marriage is a lifetime commitment, so why rush to get married. Besides 4 years may seem like a long time but I've had shoes that lasted longer than that! People who love you are seeing red flags, so you should consider that. If you are still unsure on whether or not to break up, then atleast postpone the wedding. If he loves you he will not try to pressure you into marriage, and he will respect your decision to wait. If he tells you it is now or never and he becomes angry or has a bad attitude than perhaps he is not the one for you. Besides, you may think you will get everything you want, but really it is everything he wants you to have. Did you two buy the house together? Is your name on the house deed? if not, you have no claim in ownership or financial rewards if you both sell it later. What happens if you do get married and later he wants a divorce? will you be able to support yourself without him? like i said, you have your own life and future to think about such as a career, an education, personal accomplishements, don't trap yourself by becoming dependent on some man! accomplish somethings in your own right and have a backup plan for yourself. Marriage is not guranteed and if you enter it feeling how you are feeling now, the odds will be against you. good luck!

Answer 6

I would definately put any progress on hold with this relationship - there is no need to rush into marriage. Love definately makes you blind to those "red flags" so listen to your friends. If this marriage was really ment to be, there should not be an issue with putting it off a year or two until you can open up these communication lines that you hve closed. You should be able to talk to your life partner without being "afraid of what he might say or think". That is definately a sign that your not ready for this. Good luck and this is a great time to be somewhat independant, life is not about having somebody look after you, but to look after yourself. You also mentioned walking into this marriage with everything you could want and it seems to be all materialist stuff, you never once mentioned love, fun, romance - that's what takes you thru the tough times, not the car or house. think hard about what your life will look like in 15 years from now.

Answer 7

Please don't marry this man. You have no idea of who you are as an individual. You need to be alone and find out who you are. You are only 21 you have plenty of time to get married. You have been together for 4 years meaning you started dating when you were 17 and he was 27. Why didn't your parents have him Locked up. That is statutory rape!

Love is not blind people are. I'm sure you see the red flags but think it will get better. It won't. You have everything materially secured but are you really secured by him?? that should be your question to yourself. Basically you are prostituting yourself out. You can have those same luxuries on your own. Get up get a job and do something with yourself. Maybe you have nothing in common because you are a mooch so educationally you have nothing else to offer but how do you want your steak cooked or do you like my pink shirt or red one? I'm really not trying to be rude but you have to put 2 and 2 together. You already say the reasons why you are staying and not once did you say because you are in love with him. I think you like all the material possessions. You need to get out and live and learn.

Answer 8

It sounds to me like you know what the right answer is. It is hard to walk away from security but you do have a lot to experience. Dating is to find what type you are compatible with. You haven't even had the dating experience yet. I can look back on every relationship I've ever had and honestly, I could have been perfectly happy with each of the men, but with each of the relationships, I loved the next one a little more than the last. Until I met my soon to be hubby and it's unbelievable how much you can love someone. I think it's an incredible thing you could be missing out on. You should be able to mature and have experiences on your own. You haven't really had a chance to find yourself and what makes you happy because you've always been with the same man in the most important growning up years. The cars, money and security will not keep you happy.

Answer 9

First of all I’ve dating men who were a lot older & a lot younger, ps not married even though I’ve been proposed to many times by many guys. My advice, if you question it & are this unsure & see this many flags this early, perhaps you should reconsider getting married right now. I’m sure you’ve heard the “you’re too young” thing, so instead I’ll say you have a little more living to do before to undertake such a serious & drastic endevour. If he’s a jealous, controlling man that I’m afraid is only going to get worse, because insecurity issues are hard to resolve. If you’re afraid of being alone then it’s a crime to marry someone just to have “someone.” That’s not fair to either of you. Car, house, security, sounds like you just want to have life’s comforts without realizing the huge price you will have to pay for those. You are not a piece of fleshy real estate here, but he’ll treat you like it if you let him. I bet you give him what ever he asks physically right? I mean whenever he wants, regardless of if you’re in the mood? If so, guess what this situation is already doomed. Because one day you’re going to open those innocent eyes & realize you wasted you love & effort & youth on the wrong man. I’m sorry, but honestly can be a blunt object & isn’t always nice.

Answer 10

My opinion is, your not really in love with him or you wouldn't have these doubts on what to do. Doesn't matter that he is 10yrs older than you, it's what you both feel when your together. You need to sit down and way the pros and cons about this relationship. The last thing you should be thinking about is wondering what other guys are out there if you LOVE this one! When your not content with that special one, there will be regret and resentment in your marriage.I don't think your ready to marry at all because of how your feeling. Maybe you should get yourself a job and learn how to support yourself for starters and find out what it takes to live without someone Else's security behind you. Do yourself a huge favour and stand on your own two feet! Call the wedding off for now and become independent for yourself. This is most important for your self -as team. Other friends or family are only trying to warn you about this relationship from what they see happening. If you both truly love each other the marriage will take place when your good and ready. Give yourself lots of time. Cocoa

Answer 11

June is not that far away. You really love him and yet you’re not ignoring your families and friend’s warnings/opinions/concerns, that’s really good. Your love ones only want the best for you. If you feel confused, don’t marry him at least not now. Tell him to change the wedding date to a few more months away. That should give you more time to think about it. You shouldn’t marry ANYONE unless you have absolutely no doubts, questions, nor second guesses about.

I married at 21yrs old and my husband is 8yrs older than I. I saw many red flags and I choose to ignore them and my friends/family’s concerns, I regret it. I don’t regret marrying my husband but I do regret not waiting long enough to feel more certain. Our first year of marriage was to say the least, hurtful and the worst year of my life. Now things are much better, I think it was because I married him with lots of doubts.

You two have a big age difference; you both should make compromises and that about them before getting married. He needs to understand you have not lived an experienced everything he has and you need to understand he is not into everything that interests you at this time.

Good Luck.