I had an affair while my husband was battling cancer.I feel awful.Should I tell him?

Question

My 37yr old husband of 10 years underwent 6 months of intensive weekly chemotherapy to treat his cancer.It was a really stressful time for me.Because he had to spend so much time in hospital I would often get really lonely as we have no children and I started an affair with one of his friends.I know it sounds terrible but it's very hard for a woman my age (32) to go from having a great sex life to no sex life at all.I honestly feel terribly about the 4 month long affair and am considering telling him now that we found out he is in remission last week.My husband is a truly wonderful man and a great husband and I hate the thought of hurting him but I feel like he deserves to know.Would you tell him?

Answer 1

You are a selfish bitc* and telling him about your affair will only confirm that. Keep you mouth shut, along with your legs, from now on.

Answer 2

First of all do not rationilize why you had an affair. You had an affair because you made a choice. You should not tell him. This will only hurt him and make you feel better. Which should not be the goal. You should stop seeing the other guy. A clean break. No phone calls or e-mails, nothing. Then work on your relationship with your husband.

Answer 3

First of all this is for the rest of you people that have answered already. When I read your answers I spotted only one person that could possibly have a clue as to what the asker and her husband have been through. The rest of you sit down and shut up. To the cancer survivor's answer. You had to take direct action to save your own life. Your partner did not have that benefit and if you ask him, he will be able to tell you of the unrelenting stress that he went through. I would describe my own reaction as post traumatic stress syndrome. To the asker, you need to evaluate how he is going to react. Your first order of business is to get him through his illness. It ain't over yet by a long shot. His mental attitude will have a large effect on him maintaining a NED status. Your feelings of guilt are as natural as your actions under the circumstances. You needed some normalcy and you tried to find it. Nuff said. Have the wisdom to forgive yourself and get back to work getting him better. When he is over the hump then it might be time to fess up and work it out. I would think that after ten years (about the length of time that my wife and I were married when she was diagnosed last year) your relationship is well beyond the "sex is the basis of our marriage" stage. Your indescretion in my opinion was more your lack of honesty with him. That is the hurdle that you must climb. It will be the same hill in a few months or even years. But it is definitely not todays business. Forgive yourself , do your job (helping him getting better), and work out the problems when they become the biggest thing left on your plate. Remember you are a survivor as much as he is.

Answer 4

What transpired at this point can not be changed. Yes, you made a mistake & honestly feel remorse for it. The problem is in telling him you may absolve yourself of the guilt only to hurt him. If you want to keep your marriage, you may want to realize that in telling him, it’ll never recover or be the same & it wasn’t like he was terrible to you. IT WAS CANCER. Surprisingly enough there are many people who end up doing the same thing when faced with something surreal & mortal like that or comas; long term pernicious illnesses. What does the friend say? How does he feel? Only real problem is what the friend plans on doing or saying.

Answer 5

Number one question here: who gains from you telling him?

I think, in this particular instance YOU are the only one who will get anything positive from telling him. Your aim is to unburden your guilt. That's about it, isn't it? Do you have any intention of leaving him? Or do you have every intention of working on your own selfishness and resolve to stop thinking in terms of "what I want"? Because listen, saying it's hard for a woman to suddenly have no sex is NO kind of excuse for cheating on your husband during a very critical time. He was afraid he was going to DIE and you were worried about your sexual needs?

Okay, I know everyone handles grief and fear their own way but that is just ridiculous. You let him down in a big way by focusing on your own pain and not sharing that with him. Instead you tried to distract yourself with a stranger rather than confront your husband and your own fears/problems. That's not how marriage works. I think you'll find this attitude will crop up again with you if you don't get yourself to therapy and startt working on things inside yourself.

As to whether or not you should tell him? I'd say that greatly depends upon whether or not you've really learned your lesson and are ready to change your attitude: if you are still telling yourself you had some kind of lame excuse to do what you did then yes, tell him so he can see how self-centered you became during a crisis and he will know exactly how little he can count on you. Not for support, but for sharing your own troubles. Marriage is about better and worse and working on those things together. You decided not to work with him on your "worse". That's not marriage.

If you are ready to deal with your actions and resolve to change your attitude, then don't tell him.

Answer 6

Would you be able to live with the secret? Think about it, honey. Your husband is in REMISSION. He isn't CURED.

Sometimes, the added stress or heartache can make a chronic condition worse than it already is.

One day, when he is cured (been in remission for 5+ years), tell him, but right now, I think that it would do more harm than good.

If he falls ill again, don't cheat. You may not be able to live with yourself a second time.

Answer 7

Sex, love, life... of course when your husbands life was so fragile you searched for a way to get renewed physically. Sex is like medicine for the soul. It's a physical/emotional need. Taking care of a person who is So sick is terribly draining and stressful. It is understandable that you needed an affirmation of LIFE. Sex is sex. Sex is not love- although many people seem to equate the two. Sex is release of tension. Sex is affirmation of Life. Sex is the opposite of death/dying. It is life and birth.

I think you should listen to your heart and decide where your happiness is. If you are happy with your husband, then your choice while he was sick was made so that YOU could get through that difficult time. Everyone was taking care of your husband... doctors, nurses, family, YOU... who was taking care of you? So- you did something "wrong" in order to give you the energy/life you needed in order to Keep On Taking Care of him. You needed attention and affection and Hope during that time. It is very normal... very understandable. You probably had More of what he needed from you at that time Because you were taking care of your own needs without worrying him with that aspect of things as well.

I am sorry that so many people are quick to judge you. We don't none of us know what we would do in a similar situation until we've been in it.

I think you should tell him if it bothers you so bad.

Answer 8

Tell him if you feel this is right!But accidentally not tis moment he is in remission stage and might influence his progress.Infidelity is not healthy and acceptable i agree with that, but you are willing to come clean that is good .If all cheaters re not forgiven what will happen then?Let him get well and then tell.Exceptional cases need to be dealt with respect and care.All the best and don't do it again!

Answer 9

I don't agree with your decision to have an affair, but I do understand how it could happen. I would not tell your husband because you will break his heart. He has been through enough don't put him through anymore. Just make the choice to be true to him from now on

Answer 10

Your 37 year old husband was fighting for his life, and you were so stressed you had to have an affair?

How cold hearted are you?

Your husband deserves someone better. Tell him so he can divorce you for cheating on him in his greatest time of need. He needs a real woman who can love him, support him, be there for him and uphold her marraige vows.

Answer 11

I'm sorry, but I don't care how old a person is and if their going without sex or not..........It's NOT right!

You could of masterbated!

Damn, it sounds to me that he's gone though aenough hell, so why spill the beans and hurt him and kill him all over again?

Just go to confession and clear your concious that way. WHY cause his life any more pain than necessary?

Your not a nice lady!!! You chose sex over the illness of your husband! And his so called friend is a PIG!