How do I cope with becoming a step mum?

Question

My partner has 3 children from another marriage and I have yet to meet them, I am a little scared to be honest. Scared because they may not like me and resent me for being with their father, and scared that their mother may limit my partners visits with his kids because he has begun to move on with his life. The girls are all under 10 years old and I realise it is hard for them. Coupled with this I recently had an abortion because I did not want to cause to much confusion for all parties, which has left me feeling terrible as I really wanted a child but I was so worried how his children would react and how we would cope financially with the cost of maintenance as his ex-wife does not work and then to add the additional cost of another child. I love him so much but I dont want him to lose his children because of me, but at the same time I want us to be happy. Am I over reacting? Is there a better way to deal with the situation? Will me having a child cause too much pain for the kids?

Answer 1

First of all you need to meet his kids. You need to be slowly introduced as part of their fathers life. If the two of you intend on getting married on day. His children need to meet you and get to know you before that happens. You don't want to spring it on them one day "Hi Kids, this is my new wife". The will def. not like you very well then.
As far as having more kids. My ex's wife just had a baby. My kids complained the whole time she was preg. But as soon as the baby was born you can't keep them away lol The fact that he has 3 girls under 10 will make the baby issue easier in some ways. Little girls love babies, the are like dolls to them. There will be a jealousy issue for a while but as long as Daddy let's them know that as far as they are concerened things aren't going to change that they will always be his babies too, things will be ok

As far as their mother, I suggest you work with her. You may not like her, and she may automatically decide to hate you, just because you are with her ex. But any issues regarding the kids discuss with her. My ex's wife and I talk about the kids all the time, I can trust her to be the mother when I can't. Even though I still don't like her lol

Answer 2

How well things go with the other kids depends on how well your future husband sets the boundaries for his ex. If he allows her to have a say in your household, or to use the kids as bait, then you're going to have lots of problems. Not only will you have problems with his kids, you'll have problems respecting him for not setting things straight.

You need to be introduced to the kids before you get married. You need to start doing things as a family unit before you get married. You need to respect the kids boundaries in the beginning by not spending the night. Gradually work into that after you've established a relationship with the kids. Remember that you're not the mother - You and your future husband should set ground rules for behavior. This is something that you can all work on together as to how you're going to treat each other. I would do this after an initial "getting to know you" period.

Never talk about the mother in front of the kids. When you have issues with the kids behavior defer to the father and maybe the mother. Who knows, she may be okay. She may be a b___. You just won't know.

Be patient. This will take time. There will be times when you feel left out. Bringing another child into the mix can wait, but I wouldn't wait too long. A big age gap will make it harder - IMO.

Blended families are the hardest. You may want to consider pre-marriage counseling or even family counseling. Good luck.

Answer 3

The kids first impression of you will most likely have a large effect on how the relationship will go as a whole. I can tell you what worked when the first few times I introduced my present wife to my kids. I picked up the kids and met her at a restaurant for dinner, we sat on opposite sides of the table. We just had dinner together, the kids werent threatened because it was at a nuetral site. They got a chance to meet her and get to know as a person without the added stress of "this is dads new girlfriend." After dinner I took my kids home and she went hers. The main thing is to give the kids a chance to know you as a person first. When that goes well they wont be as stressed out when they find out daddy's gonna have a new wife.

Answer 4

I have been a stepmom for 5 years. I have tried everything in the book and nothing has helped. My husband's ex is the most conniving woman in the world. She has manipulated the children to feel guilty when they have a good time at our place. Everything you could imagine that could go wrong has gone wrong. You will never be their mother. No matter how much they like you or even dislike their mother they will always act according to how their mother wants them to. If she is a decent person, everything will work itself out. I personally had to finally decide that I have to live my life as well as anyone else. If you want to have children, Have Children! If your intentions are good everything else will fall into place. Be sure and stand your ground. Don't be disrespected in your own house. You can always tell the children you don't have to like me but you will respect me in my house. He won't lose his children because of you. He has to understand that you have no control over them or his ex. All you can do is be yourself. As far as child support goes I would only pay it and buy things for the children, but I sure as hell wouldn't pay a red cent for spousal support. My husband's ex used to call up crying all the time for money because she knew he would give it to her. I put my foot down and she now has to work and live by her means. If she can't afford to raise the children with her income and child support the children can always come live with us. Good luck. I hope you have a better experience than I have.

Answer 5

I believe it is adequate to your mother to percentage a few of her disorders however now not adequate that you just suppose liable (after which envious) for serving to her. First of all, ensure you're getting time along with your possess peers and having anything is left of your unmarried formative years. Enjoy your self at your age stage. When your mother comes one too heavy, take an emotional step again (detach) and concentrate, after which inform her you are sorry she's having a rough time. Don't get emotional approximately the disorders. That will cloud your possess pondering. Try to have extra steadiness for your existence--you'll be a remedy in your mother however you have got to have your possess existence. Do you might have plans to your long term? Start discussing them along with your mother. She could also be amazed and detect that you are now not an ancient individual but and feature such a lot of existence forward of you.

Answer 6

You will do a fantastic job, and anything that is not perfect will not be because of you.
Your obviously a person that cares a lot, hopefully the rest of the family will be similar. In the beginning smile a lot, don't try to hard with the kids, it may be interpreted as "taking over" (which you are)
Ignore the negative comments, they can't live your life
Good Luck

Answer 7

When you meet them just be yourself. Talk with their mother so she knows you have good intentions toward her children and do not try to be their mother. Tell them you want to be their friend. Children can be great and supportive as long as there is no one telling them how to act or how to feel. If his ex-wife is a ***** then it may be more difficult. Good Luck

Answer 8

You can't stop the way his kids feel. I would never had an abortion for the reasons you stated. Kids have to adapt like adults do. It may take longer or maybe never. If you love each other just do your best!

Answer 9

For God's sake, woman. Live the life that will make you happy or no one will be happy around you. If you don't want children, use birth control. Abortion is not birth control. It's your life .... take charge of it.

Answer 10

why do you want to be with a man whos already married with 3 children?