Why can't i move on with my life since the divorce 3 yrs ago?

Question

Wow,...I am not used to this. please be patient with me. I am 3 years out of a divorce and I can't seem to get my leggs back under me and focused on the future. This concerns me ALOT! Prior to the divorce, I was a goal setting machine! I can make anything happen! my beliefs in self was about 150% above normal. Not ego out of control, beliefs in myself,...... now I can't find a WHY to create a desire. I built my businesses on the premise that i was doing something for my wife and 3 children. After 13 yrs of marriage my ex wife fell into the trap of perscription pain killers and alcohol. I totally get the dependance and I forgive her for those issues. I am having a hard time with the way she uses my children against me in retaliation and I would bet most people would. I want to move on. I just sit and think at times and i can't get past this.

Answer 1

I'm so sorry for your situation. You sound like you still love your wife, and are miserable without her. Did the woman you married change after she became addicted to pain killers and alcohol? If so, you didn't leave her, you left her problem. She's addicted; it's a physical issue now. Help her. Work with her doctor to create a step down program for her to become free of the addiction. Keep her life free from prescription meds & alcohol (don't let her stash it/sneak it in the future). Go back to your wife. She needs your help. She needs you. Help her. Don't let the drugs and alcohol take your wife away or refuse help. Tell her you love her with all your heart and want to be there for her.

Answer 2

You wrote:.

.....I built my businesses on the premise that i was doing something for my wife and 3 children.

Yes, and many men do this while neglecting the intimacy for Theo family members. It is sad but too true. You probably are a workaholic and think business too much.

... I am having a hard time with the way she uses my children against me in retaliation and I would bet most people would.

I still rent my ex for having done this, and my oldest daughter who is 30 refuses to have anything to do with me for 1 1'/2 years. I did nothing to her expect work and love her. I never cheated on my ex. I was the good American boy who married a malignant narcissist.

The good thing is it bothers you. It should because you do love them.

Say far away from your ex. She's nuts.

My ex portrayed me as an abusive monster, something she really is for having used my kids against me.

Join the father's rights association in your area and have discussions.

Answer 3

I don't know if I can do justice to your question, but I will try.

First, let me tell you a little about me. I will celebrate my 25th anniversary in my second marriage in June. I was married to my first wife for 15 years and divorced her 27 years ago because of drugs, infidelity, and her basic dishonesty. I probably should have divorced her seven years earlier than I did, but I had hoped she would change. She did. She got worse.

I love my current wife, and I love both my sons, one from each marriage--but I have never entirely gotten over my first marriage.

Why? Because we become emotionally involved when we marry someone. You can't turn off emotion like a water spigot. What we do is adjust. And that's what I've done.

I am honest with myself. I know how I feel and why I feel that way. I would never go back to my first wife, because I could never trust her again. I forgave her long ago, but I know the marriage has been totally, irrevocably ended.

I also know I was at fault at least partly for the failure of that marriage. I can accept that part of the responsibility without wallowing in guilt and self-pity.

I am 65 years old, almost 66. I am contented in my life. I have had successful careers and am now semi-retired. I can sleep nights and I think I'm reasonably happy.

But the first marriage is still a source of pain and frustration. I can control that pain and frustration, however, and deal honestly with those feelings.

Now, that's about me. Let's talk about you.

While you were married you were so focused on goal-setting that you were probably overlooking or ignoring bigger problems in your marriage. You were looking the other way and denying things that were probably under your nose. Don't feel retarded--that's pretty normal. I sort of did the same thing. When you were divorced your house of cards collapsed. Also pretty normal.

So you have to get past these things and these feelings. You've forgiven her--or at least you say you have. That's an absolutely necessary first step. You have to move your life along past this marriage. She has not forgiven you--you already know that. Accept it, and trust your children to be able to recognize that as they go through their lives.

You might look into a support group like Parents Without Partners. It is an excellent place to exchange thoughts and ideas with people who have experienced what you have experienced. You also can meet someone nice you can date, if that's part of what you are looking for--but that isn't the purpose of PWP.

By the way, part of what worked for me was an active membership in PWP. Church also helped. You might even think about counseling.

You need to learn to like yourself again, and you need to learn to trust your emotions and your judgement.

Don't worry a lot about remarrying. If that happens it is a blessing, but it won't stop your life if it doesn't. Many people find they enjoy single life so much they don't want to re-marry.

Once you have begun to seriously deal with your feelings you can start setting goals again. I do think dating is healthy. It helps you feel better about yourself.

Don't beat yourself up and don't be too impatient with yourself. I was single for two years between marriages. That adjustment takes no less than two years and for many people it takes much more than that. Do try to understand what has happened in your life and make your children the highest priority in your life.

Do not follow your ex-wife's example of using the children to punish an ex-spouse. Do love your children. Be nice to her, but recognize the marriage is over.

If you do these things gradually your life will return to something approaching normal. You may not be the goal setting machine you were before, but you will be able to set and achieve goals for yourself again, and you will be able to be happy.

God bless you and be patient.

Answer 4

Part of it could be that you built things based on being married, and when you weren't married any longer you found yourself feeling like you had nothing to bother working for. If this is the case you need to come around to realizing that you need to build things in your life for yourself because unless you built a life for yourself you aren't going to be right for anyone.

Also, divorce is a big change, and its a loss (even if you wanted the divorce). You lost your lifestyle and have probably lost other important things (like having the kind of time with your children you wish you had). You are probably still not over the loss, and you are still living with separation from your children.

I think you may benefit from seeing a professional who could help you sort out why you are having the trouble you're having. Also, though, I think you need to get angry and decide that a failed marriage and separation from your children has taken enough from you, and you're not going to let these losses take yet more away from you and your future.

You are still a father. You still need to be an example of strength and accomplishment for your children. You still need to be a father even if you need to figure out ways to be a father even if you're separated from them. You still need to be strong for your children, and they still need to see an example of how a strong man or woman handles difficulty and sadness and loss. Even if you don't see your children every day your strength and example will show up in your life in ways that, when you do see them, will be seen by them.

Sitting and thinking things out and over isn't always a bad thing, but I think what you need to do is make sure your thinking is constructive and involves even some small actions you can take to feel better and begin rebuilding. Those small actions will add up to change, just as puzzle pieces add up to make a big picture.

Identify the things that you feel are unfinished business, and try to figure a way to address those things. If you can't address them then tuck them away in a "mental file" and decide to deal with things you can improve.

My theory is that when a life (and a mind) is full of nothing but loss and sadness what that mind needs is a bunch of positive things (large and small) to kind of come into the mind, move the "gray" things to the background, and help the person re-build some emotional energy. I think if you have nothing but old, negative, stuff rattling around in your mind you have nothing to rebuild your emotional energy (because even small joys help nurture a soul), and the "gray" thoughts just get old and draining and kind of stuck.

Small joys, large joys, beautiful music, and laughing all help to alter your brain chemicals and make you feel better. Try to find as many of any of those things as you can because without enough of them you'll feel depressed and unable to think of much other than your "grayness".

I don't know if any of my ideas will be of any help, but best wishes. Maybe you just need a little more time.

Answer 5

Going through a divorce in a way is similar to a death,(death of your hopes and dreams for the future) and everyone goes through a mourning period, different for each person, or the longer you have been married. The stress of going through it takes a lot of energy, as well as worring about your children, and how they are dealing with it. It takes time and is different for everyone. Sometimes we feel guilt, which will also zap our energy. Good luck it gets better!

Answer 6

Because you are stuck on who to blame.

Look in the mirror, that face looking back at you is 50% of the
problem.

Think about it for about 5 minutes, Then drop it and get on
with your life. You have three children and they need both of you
to be functional whether the two of you are together or not.

Answer 7

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Stop thinking of all what you wanted to do and did not do it. Stop talking negative words and think positive. To have patient with you, maybe you did not have it with your wife and kids. Now you regrets all what you could have done and did not do it. You believe in yourself but provably you did not believed in your wife and not even in God. You know? When I was reading about your question, this passage of the Bible came to me. Maybe has something to do with what you are going through. Lukes, (Chapter 18:9-14); To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everybody else, Jesus told this parabble: Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood up and prayed about himself: God, I thank you that I am not like other men- robbers, evildoers, adulterers- or even like this tax collector, I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get. But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, God, have mercy on me, a sinner. I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted. Little you know about God. Get up and stand on your feet and shine. You have work to do. You have children that need to be feed. Think positive. Your ex needs help. When you two got married, you both make a commitment before God. Did you forgot your commitment? You are supposed to take care one to another. There are responsabilities that have to be taking care to have a prosperous marriage. In what did you both failed? Do not answer me. Just think. It is not that easy to start again. But if you love her, your family, and she probably still loves you, but she is probably hurt and rather than looking for help she lock herself with a drinking problem is because she did not found the support she expected from you as a husband, because you were too busy thinking in doing other things and them you both open a big door for demons to work in your marriage. You probably do not even know the existence of them and how they work specially in married couple and their children. (Ephessians 6:11-17). I have news for you. With patience you can start all over again by trying to inspire love in her, to win her love and please her by helping her. She is part of you and your children. Look for God, talk to Him for Him to help you to gain her love. Pray is when you talk to God. Do something for your family. With the help of God to can have victory. Just believe and go to a Christian Church and I promise you that if you do it, your marriage will be a successful one. Be bless.

Answer 8

this is coming from a girl who loves bowling, but when i really need to forget about homework or school or stress, i find bowling helps. join a league at you bowling alley so you bowl 3 games once a week and if you want join more than one league and bowl more than once a week!

that didnt really answer your question, but maybe since you keep thinking about it you cant move on, if you stop thinking about it you will be able to move on, maybe you can meet someone in your bowling league and maybe you can date her ;-)

Answer 9

go 2 peekvid and watch the movie the secret

Answer 10

kevin-
please do whatever you have to do to feel good about yourself
take care of you and what you need -.

By making yourself emotionally healthy you will attract those people who will help you stay that way.