what to do when couples are not sexually on same page?

Question

i had a baby 7 months ago and still do not feel like having sex.. it feels more like a chore than a pleasure. i dont want to give oral or receive .. my man is soooo frustrated..but i cant do it..the thought of oral right now just turns me off. we do have other issues including trust .. and communication. i keep telling him we should be better friends since we have 2 kids together. he has tried cheating on me a couple times while pregnant..at my sons b-day party when i was 9 months pregnant. i have told him to "take a break" and stay with his family. i think i just need a break from the pressures of sex and all the arguing that comes with it since i dont have a want for sex. Help!!!

Answer 1

Of course you are not turned on and not inspired to have sex with your husband...he hasn't treated you with respect! He's cheated (or tried as you stated) when you were pregnant!

I don't think that your issue is with sex, I think it's with the man that you are married to.

Answer 2

I understand that you and your husband obviously have came a long way and still want to be together.And having a baby 7 months ago is not really a good excuse for not wanting sex.You need to be honest with yourself and him.More than likely the past things you have been through together is what has made you so turned off by him and actually wanting to take that break from him because of pressure to have sex? I think that this is something you need to search your soul for because a marriage without sex will lead to infidelity,and frustration and really take you places that you don't want to go..But the more you deny him sex the more that things continue to build up between you two.I would suggest some counseling or just a good ole sit down conversation and be HONEST with him.,.because if you can't forgive him and move past the hurt you will drive him further away in the end.I will be praying for you two..

Answer 3

Honey my suggestion is that you both go see a relationship counselor right away! Not wanting to have sex is really not a normal thing and is typically a huge indication of problems in your marriage or it's hormonal. A healthy marriage includes a healthy (read active) sex life.

Telling him to take a break right is probably a good thing so that you can take a breather and figure out how to handle this situation.

But understand that it's not reasonable nor healthy to stay in a dead/bad marriage and just be "friends" in order to put up a false fascade of a family for the benefit of your children. It's not fair to you, him or your children; which, I can tell you they won't benefit from watching their parents live a lie.

You already know what your problems are... you mentioned 2 children which translates to busy mother. You mentioned trust and communication issues and then you admitted he cheated or he tried to cheat but didn't succeed?

Whatever the case is the help you need is in professional couples counseling and probably some individual counseling as well. Don't think that this will go away and don't believe for a moment that the situation is normal and that it "happens" in marriages. I'm not defending your husband, but then again I don't know all sides of the story either. But I do know that counseling is definitely the way to go.

Answer 4

Good on you for being true to yourself and not just going through the motions. If nothing is wrong with you physically (do you have a libido in general? Have you ruled out physical issues?) then I would have to agree with the other responses here -- your lack of interest indicates emotional distrust on a deeper level. I know for myself, as a woman, that if my guy cheated on me when I was 9 months pregnant I couldn't look him in the eye, let alone sleep with him. This is a tough situation since you have children involved. My advice would be to find at least two people you can trust to speak with (to get different perspectives), whether they are a counselor, pastor, or good friend. Be honest with yourself and speak with these confidants about how you feel -- I hate to say it, but leaving might really be your best option. Oh, and don't stop respecting yourself and listening to your gut instinct.

Answer 5

That is so difficult!! I feel for you.

I have three kids so I can empathize. My first suggestion is to redirect the affection (tell him to hold u, rub lotion on u, wash ur hair, paint ur toes, lick chocolate off each other -- make sure he knows that you are not REJECTING HIM. Once a man feels like u are turning him down -- then he will justify getting it somewhere else -- "since u don't want it". I know it's not fair and not true -- but that his the nature of the beast. They think u have the baby and "BAM" all the pains go away in one day. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! It took nine months to get u there and it will take about that to get back to the "old" u. Just ask for patience and be patient. U have a lot on your plate and if he wants to "get his" then he has to help u and assist in easing ur burdens and then u can think about sex.

I wish u da best! :-) God bless ur babies.

Answer 6

He should make the connection between your lack of trust in him and your being uninterested in sex now. If anyone needs a break, it is you - since having two kids means a lot of work for you. Unfortunately, a guy who will cheat always seems to expect his wife to want him - when cheating makes her want him less! So it becomes a vicious cycle - he thinks he is entitled to cheat since he has effectively 'turned off' his wife's sex drive! That's why you have to address this issue now. You are probably resentful and he appears to be demanding. Does he think marriage is like being on one long extended date? A marriage counselor would straighten this out with some insights - I hope you two are married. If not, there's even more of a sense to get this settled - and get married!

Answer 7

It sounds hormonal to me. They say it takes up to a year before your hormones return to normal after childbirth.
If u have always been like this, then thats different.
But, if u used to be sexually active with him, then its time u tell him whats goin on with u. Its not your fault, but if you want your marriage to work, a compromise needs to be met. He has needs, and if he dont have them met by you, then he will go elsewhere to have them met.
He will also feel unattractive and all that. Theres alot that goes with a negative sex drive.
Talk to him, talk to a doctor and maybe try marriage counciling.
Giving up on the marriage is the most wrong thing to do, since the problem is fixable and there are two children involved.
Good luck to u.

Answer 8

I learned a very valuable lesson in my last relationship. If you cut a person off physically you will cut them off emotionally as well.

The best advice I've ever heard on the topic was from a female psychologist who said "sometimes you have to just grin and bear it and have sex even though you don't feel like you want to." because it's that level of physical intimacy that fosters close emotional connections. You're not going to become better friends first, trust me in this.

Answer 9

Sex is extremely important to a man. Initially you may not be in the mood for it, but that can change and you can get into the mood once you get started. Figure out what could possibly put you into the mood. You may also need to consider going to counseling to deal with all your issues.

Answer 10

Your issue with your (husband?) is not sex. It's committment, trust, maturity, communication, etc. By what you are saying, he sounds like he'll find all of the sex he wants---it just won't be with you. This is not a situation where you are not on the same page sexually.....you're not on the same page--period. If he's cheated once, he'll cheat again. Life is too short to be with an unfaithful spouse.

Answer 11

So he is cheating on you. Get out fast. You don't want sex because you cannot trust him!!! That is normal and you shouldn't be with someone that you don't trust. I would stay away from him and think about hwat you want and need from a relationship. They are built on trust, love and understanding. How can you show your love and emotions by having sex with someone if you don't have trust?? Don't forget about the children, also do what you need to be sure that they are not effected by this and that they have reltionships that are healthy with both of you. Good luck!!!