Married women, if you have cheated, what motivated you, outside of revenge for cheating?

Question

Husband wants to continue our relationship, but he keeps showing he doesn't value our marriage. Then he is unhappy I have no enthusiasm for our marriage when he does these things. I gently declined celebrating our aniversary. If I find another man, what "Pete" says or does can't affect me as before. Yes, I've talked to him, but he just gets mad at me for not being happy.

I'm tired of him affecting me life.

People have asked what he has done. See my other questions. In short, if I was the last person on earth, he might, might, might back me up, but I couldn't be sure. I never would have married him if I knew these things would happen. He is the most honest lair I know.

I'm not asking the men for their opinion at this time.

And yes, I've had plenty of oily, food, beer, positioning, living room bedroom, backyard, car sex, driving during oral sex with my husband, but it never has motivated him to showing love and devotion.

Answer 1

Why are you dismissing his feelings?

Yep, what I hear you saying is that it's not right for him to be upset that you are not enthusiastic about your marriage.

Be open and simple.

When he says wants your enthusiasm then say in simple, to the point statements:

When you _______, I lose some of my enthusiasm for the marriage.

and by the same token, tell him exactly what makes you enthusiastic.

When I see you __________, I gain enthusiasm for the marriage.

So what I read you saying is that it's ok for you to feel what you feel, but it's not OK for him to feel mad, a feeling as well.

Sorry, it doesn't work that way. If you want him to accept your feelings, then you have to offer the same courtesy.

Finally, instead of assuming that he doesn't value your marriage, instead think of it as you don't see actions that speak to you that indicate that he does value the marriage.

What you say is pretty vague, he doesn't value the marriage. You really cannot know if he values it or not.

Instead ask him to indicate what actions he takes that would indicate to you that he values the marriage, and then accept this, without argument. His perception is what it is.

Then, what you share is what you would to see him to, that speaks value to you.

So for example, if he says that his willingness to try, to come home everyday, and work or what not indicates that he values the marriage, then to him, that is what he is doing to indicate value.

Thank him for that.

Then say, "Would you like to do things that would really speak to me so that I would understand what constitutes value? If so, then spend more time saying loving things, get me a card or drop me an e-mail telling me how much you love me..." or whatever your language is.

But then turn the tables, ask him what would best demonstrate to him that you value the marriage. If he says more frequent and/or enthusiastic sex, or going with him to car shows and fishing trips, being part of his hobbies, then thank him and find a way to do one or more of the things he suggests.

It appears to me that he is trying, flawed as it may be, but since he is not doing the things you want to see, then you miss the value of his efforts.

If he's not willing to do this or come up with a real plan that you both can enthusiastically embrace, then I don't see how you can stay together.

Cheating will not resolve any of this. It will just be another man that you have to train and ultimately, you will find yourself in a similar situation.

Change your approach to your husband and ask him to change his approach to you, agreeing to find approaches that you clearly tell one another are guaranteed to work.

Answer 2

I cheated in my first marriage out of sheer misery. I was married to him because I got pregnant and thought it was the right ting to do. After the marriage, he didn't keep a job, didn't pay the bills when he had a job, lied about everything, cheated, refused to be useful around the house and wasn't capable of intelligent conversation.

I wanted to honor my vows, but I HATED the guy I was married to. I ended up having a few relationships with guys who I was attracted to and who I enjoyed spending time with before I finally ended my marriage. I think the simplest way to explain it was that I cheated so that I could be me...so that I could feel sexual attraction, happiness, closeness and so that I would be able to laugh and love.

After I decided the marriage was over, I met a wonderful guy that I am very much in love with after 7 years. I have never cheated on him and don't think I ever will.

Answer 3

Affection. I've never cheated, but the women who I know that have, it's been because someone else "made them feel beautiful" or "their husbands never complimented them anymore" or noticed them. Or some of them had husbands who outright told them they were fat and needed to lose weight. However, that's no excuse. Basically, I guess it all comes down to similar reasons that men cheat: somone else was more fun or made them feel desireable. Or a physical attraction to another person, but never love. I guess that's why a lot of men that cheat don't leave their wives either. Well, that and "for the kids" which is crap because you shouldn't raise kids in a home full of distrust and deception. It'll mess them up in the head. Hope that helps.

Answer 4

Lack of communication in a relationship (I was never married but I was in a commited relationship for 4 years with the father of my children). And when people say once a cheater always a cheater then they are wrong. Although I sometimes wonder if I cheated at all seeings I told my ex that I was going to find someone else and I couldnt stand being in a relationship with him and yet he refused to let me leave. But the man I cheated with has been my significant other for 2 years now and we are engaged. If you are not happy then walk away if you are able to. If you are going to cheat let him know ahead of time.

Answer 5

Although I've never had sex with this other man I do allow him to hold me and suck my breast. I've never allowed this other man to touch me to get back at my husband but I do it because I've never had another man before. I really don't want to cheat but would love to know what this older guy is like in the bed. My husband is great and I do love him with all my heart.

Answer 6

Cheating is never the answer, you are only demeaning yourself. Girl, you need to hold your head high and be your authentic self. You don't say what it is that your husband is doing to show you that he doesn't value your marriage, but whatever it is you need to set it straight with him and if you can't then you need to leave. After you leave you can then with a clear conscience pursue other men.
Good luck

Answer 7

I never thought in an million years that I would cheat on my husband. I built my life around him. However for the past year he has been shuting me out, being cold to me, and not doing the things that I needed. However, I spoke to him about and informed him that I was no longer happy. I clued him in on all the things that I needed to make me happy, and by making me happy, we will be happy. My husband just pushed me away and he felt like I was putting him down. I did not understand how could a man who says he loves me. will not be willing to go all out for his wife for marriage to work. I felt that my husband was in this comfort zone and he was not willing to work at our marriage. One day I got a call from a friend saying that my first love first everything was looking for me. we haven't talked or seen each other in ten years. we didn't break up because of something he or i did. we just disappeared from each other. we were young. i was 17 when i met him,and he was in college. i made love for the first time with him when i turned 18, and he was 21. I have always loved him. We got in touch, talked on the phone everyday for the past 3 months. spent time together, and for the first time in a long time. I felt love. He caters to my every need. we made love and it felt like the first time. Now all of sudden my husband wants to do all the things i literally beg him to do before. Now my heart is with another man, and i am angry with my husband. i feel obligated to my husband because he is my husband. my first love loves me deeply and is pressuring me to divorce. He doesn't understand how i could love him so deeply and not want to be divorce and start a life with him. So, before you write a new chapter in your life, make sure that you have closed the existing chapter. Once emotions get involved, it become a hard time. try everything in your power to make your marriage work, and if you feel like it is time to walk away then walk away before you persue someone else. I am in a bad situation right now. i am in love with my lover, but i care deeply about hurting my husband feelings. i cannot seem to leave my husband eventhough i know my happiness is somewhere else.

Answer 8

Sweetie, if you aren't happy, get out. I cheated on my husband the week before I left and I still feel terrible about it. I proved I was no better than he was. And cheating will hurt you as well as your husband.

Don't do anything rash. Think of the consequences, first.

Answer 9

I cheated on my first husband because i was not happy. He was abusive, never around when i needed him and i was young. If he had been around to love me rather than hit me, I would have never strayed. Now with my BF i am happy as can be, dont need to look anywhere else, all i have to do is look beside me.

Answer 10

GET OUT OF IT OR PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN AND TELL HIM HOW IT IS, im tired to of men thinking they can run all over us, and thats why married women cheat cause i think they just want to pay men back, but at the same time you are hurtung peoples feeling and making yourself look bad , stooping to there level, but there are good men out there its just hard to trust anyone