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My husband and I share a cellphone plan. I notice on the last 2 bills he's been really calling this one number, the phone calls started off with talking no more then 5 minutes or so but as time goes on he is talking almost an hour now. The invoice that comes to the house basically tell you how much the bill is but does not show the actual calls, I have to go online to see the incoming and out going calls made. I'm not share if he thinks I am not checking the bill online or not, I'm pretty sure he would not be making calls to other women if he thought I was checking. I know this is a female that he is calling because the calls are becoming to frequent and back to back. How should I approach this situation should I call the number or mention this to him?

2007-04-10 06:15:23 · 42 answers · asked by whocarez 2 in Family & Relationships Marriage & Divorce

42 answers

Sounds like your husband is having an emotional affair if nothing else. It could become a physical affair very quickly.

No matter how you approach him, I'm sure he will deny it because he likes the conversations he's having and he's not going to want them to stop.

Print out the online list - hand it to him with the number circle, "hey, honey, I was checking our cell plan I found this # lots of times, I have a feeling this is something that we need to discuss." If he's unable to come clean with you - print this and hand it to him:

Emotional Affairs
Lynn Harris

Not Just Sex
Sandra, 45, a teacher in New York, meets a "totally beguiling guy" in a similar field. He helps her with a project; they start e-mailing, then phoning, having long talks over drinks. Thing is, she has a boyfriend. He has a wife. They're not having sex. Are they having an affair?

Yes. It's an "emotional affair," or "accidental affair," says Peggy Vaughan of AskPeggy.com and author of The Monogamy Myth: A Personal Handbook for Dealing with Affairs (Newmarket, 2003). "Emotional affairs are most likely to affect the person who would never intend to cheat."
According to the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy, 15 percent of wives and 25 percent of husbands have had extramarital sex. Add emotional affairs and other non-physical intimacy, and the numbers go up by 20 percent.

Many emotional affairs are a byproduct of increasingly intense and collegial workplace atmospheres. According to Bonnie Eaker Weil, PhD, author of Adultery: The Forgivable Sin: Healing the Inherited Patterns of Betrayal in Your Family (Birch Lane, 1993), over half of work friendships become something more.

"The stereotype is the VP of the corporation having a thing with the cute typist," says Shirley Glass, PhD, author of Not "Just Friends": Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal (Free Press, 2002). "But now the bonds between men and women working together are based on much more: similar interests and social backgrounds, in a highly-charged atmosphere."

What's So Wrong?
Hey, we're not made of wood -- what's wrong with a crush? "I had a flirtation with a guy at the restaurant," says Gail, 30, a Boston bartender. "But it was part of the work environment, and No Touching was clearly the rule. Outside of work I didn't give him a second thought -- but the extra dose of feeling attractive actually helped my relationship with my boyfriend."
But No Touching doesn't always mean Harmless Flirting. "I had a close relationship with a married man: late-night calls, meaningful lunches, intense sharing," says Liza, 39, a social worker in Philadelphia. "A male friend said, 'If you're not having sex, there's nothing wrong with it.'"

Actually, say experts, there's plenty wrong.

"It doesn't matter that 'it could be worse,'" says Vaughan. "There's deception going on." That's the risk of a seemingly harmless affair: The more you rationalize that it's okay, the more it escalates, and the more you're compelled to hide. "You wind up depending on the other person more for daily peaks and perks, and that sucks the love away from you and your partner."

What's toxic about an emotional affair is exactly what distinguishes it from a fleeting, fun crush: secrecy. "The number one way to know if you're having an emotional affair is if you're hiding it from your partner," says Vaughan.
"When you 'end up' out to dinner sitting kitty-corner with that guy from work that you can't get out of your head, that's a date," Lana, 29, a Toronto attorney, says (from experience). "Saying you have a boyfriend doesn't count -- all he'll take from that is, 'Then why is she out with me?' You both know the illicitness makes it all the more exciting and tempting. And you know when you cross the line because it's that thing you'd never tell your boyfriend, that thing that would freak you out if you found out he did it."

In or Out?
Are you crossing the line? Answer these quick questions to assess if it's an emotional affair:

(Sources: Shirley Glass, author of Not "Just Friends" and Sharyn Wolf, author of How to Stay Lovers for Life: Discover a Marriage Counselor's Tricks of the Trade, Penguin, 1998)

1. Do you touch him in "legal" ways, like picking lint off his blazer?

2. Do you tell him more details of your day than you do your partner?

3. Do you talk with him more about your relationship than you do with your partner?

4. Does your partner have no idea how much time you spend with this guy?

5. Do you pay attention to how you look before you see him?

6. Do you think crush-like thoughts like, "He'd love this song!"?

7. Has one of you said, "I'm attracted to you but I would never act on it because I/you are attached"?

8. Would you feel uncomfortable if your partner saw a videotape of the time you spend with this person?

How many times did you answer "Yes"?

0-1: Friendship/harmless crush. 2-4: Slippery slope. Step back. 5 or more. 911! Emotional affair.

Fess Up
If you're on the slippery slope between fidelity and an emotional affair, it is possible -- and essential -- to move to firmer ground. "When I felt most tempted, I forced myself to wait, and the wild love feeling actually went away by itself," says Sandra. The friendship that outlasted the lust is now out in the open with her boyfriend.

If you have crossed the line and are engaged in a full-fledged emotional affair, your relationship still has a fighting chance. According to Peggy Vaughan, 70 percent of couples seeking help after an infidelity do stay together -- if they sincerely want to.

"Surviving infidelity is not about what happened and why," says Vaughan. "It's about how you respond to it together. You must decide: Are we going to let this destroy us, or make us stronger?"

2007-04-10 07:30:03 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1 1

This is hard to answer since there is a couple things that you can do. Unfortunately this is how I caught my ex husband. I called the number from a payphone and found out it was a girl, then I confronted my husband and he had a great story planned out. Then let it sit for a while and found other numbers, did a search of the number and found out who it was and busted.............But it could be nothing in your case but if it's becoming frequent I would mention it to him. If you want to do some detective work first, Google the number or try www.anywho.com (look up reverse numbers) If it's not a cell number and it's listed you'll get the name. If not pay for the name of that cell number. (You can pay for anything now-a-days on the internet). Good luck.
PS, how do you know it's a female? Remember also that approaching him can lead to a fight or more. He might get defensive or be slick and have a story for you or he might even get mad with you checking on him. Either way, you should go with your gut.
PSS, I wouldn't call to ask anyone about knowing your husband cause that can cause a huge war with your husband, especially if it's nobody but do call from a pay phone or *67 (blocks the number, at least in NJ) to here who's voice is on the recorder.

2007-04-10 06:27:13 · answer #2 · answered by Unknown, CA 2 · 0 0

I would call this number and try to get this person's voice mail (perhaps, call in the middle of the night) - often, people leave their name on the outgoing message; once you have a name, you can go from there. You could search your memory for people you husband might know by that name - perhaps someone from work? or a friend? a friend's friend? It might give you some clues. Meanwhile, keep watching your husband. It's just would be interesting to collect more information before confronting him, so he can't get off with some pre-made lie. The more you know, the more power you have to get to the root of this. Right now, you know next to nothing. Try to find out more, but in a way that won't make him suspect you're on the lookout. Good luck.

2007-04-10 06:39:03 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

He's your husband; you two share a house, a life, (possibly) a family, and the bills.

This situation definitely should be addressed as soon as possible with your husband.

You absolutely have a right to know who this female person is and why she feels comfortable calling your husband so frequently and talking to him for so long -- and why he's never brought either her, or the phone calls, up to you.

Sounds like he has something to hide -- and in this situation...That's not good.

2007-04-10 06:27:11 · answer #4 · answered by biiiiaaach 3 · 0 0

First off you already know that something is fishy. So I would call the number , call anonymously though and see who answers if it's a women then you've pretty much answered your question. Then I would check his phone to see if the number is in his call log. If it is bring it up to him causally and ask who's number is it. His reaction will tell you all you need to know, men aren't great lyers. Then just keep checking the bill online to see if the calls countine or if they stop. FYI also check the times that he is making these calls.

2007-04-10 06:23:24 · answer #5 · answered by KH 2 · 0 0

It sounds like he may be having an emotional affair with another woman and feels secure being unaware of your cleverness. He is obviously unaware that you check the bill on line, and I commend you for that. Lots of people have emotional affairs, which eventually lead to physical affairs.
This will continue. I would call the number he is calling and block your ID. Check your phone book to figure out how to do that. Call and tell her to stop talking to your husband or she will be sorry. Threaten her. Then, watch your husband's mood. Naturally, he will be bothered and irritated in not talking to her. Confront him. Spill the beans and ask him why he felt the need to be talking to another woman, discreetly. Take it from there. Good luck.

2007-04-10 06:33:29 · answer #6 · answered by Blue Eyed Angel 6 · 0 0

Tell him you noticed the bill was going up. Tell him that you found him calling a specific phone number and ask who the number belongs to. It is possible that this is all proper (could be work related, could be a planning committee for an event). But open up the communication, just don't accuse. You want an explanation. Then form your opinion from his response.

2007-04-10 06:27:00 · answer #7 · answered by ciberpunk1 5 · 1 0

This is what I would do: When he's standing in the same room, I would act like I just then had decided to check the cell phone bill online, just to look at it... And then I would act like I noticed this phone number and ask him- do you know whose phone number that is? Its on the bill a bunch of times! If he says, hm, I don't know... Then I would call it, probably when he's not around. I would nervously explain that this number has been showing up on my cell phone bill a lot and my husband must be calling but WE were wondering whose number this is. Good luck!

2007-04-10 06:26:30 · answer #8 · answered by califrniateach 4 · 0 1

Before you say anything, go to a pay phone, or some where that doesn't matter when it shows up on caller ID. Call the number your husband has been calling frequently. If I woman answers the phone, say something like "Hey Shelly, this is Kathy, I'm gonna be a few minutes late." The woman will say, "This isn't Shelly", or "You've got the wrong number", just act like you thought it was Shelly's number. You could even say, "Hi, this is Kathy, can I speak to Shelly?" If she says "wrong number" say, "oh, is this Paula?" You may be able to get her name out of it if you play it right. And hey, don't be scared, she won't know you from Adam.

2007-04-10 06:21:09 · answer #9 · answered by bina64davis 6 · 3 0

Honey,men aren't smart enough to think of you checking the bill on line. I would first ask him about the calls to see if he lies to you. Then I would confront him that if he is talking to another woman that long he is either having an affair or thinking about having one. I would also tell him if he doesn't end whatever it is that's going on you will call her & ask her for an explination. No married man should be talking to another woman for that lenght of time,if she is a co worker tell him to keep the conversation soley about work & at work. I'm almost sure you will find he is cheating on you & hasn't even considered that you might be checking the bill,because he is to involved with whats going on between him & the other woman to be thinking of you. Good luck.

2007-04-10 06:27:08 · answer #10 · answered by fairy53042000 3 · 2 0

I'm in charge of mine and my husbands bills and since we have a very open relationship I normally know who he talks to on a regular basis. Usually if the phone bill comes in too high I'll call him up and say babe this bill is extremely high what is going on. Its all the texting but if I notice something odd I always ask him about it. Just ask him hey Honey I was going over the bill yesterday and noticed a regular pattern with this one number and was wondering who it is.
This keeps you from looking like a prying wife but also eases your fears.

2007-04-10 06:25:20 · answer #11 · answered by Emily M 3 · 0 0

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