Now what? Do I keep my mouth shut?

Question

Long story short my husband of 9 yrs has this horrible habit that really bothers me and is disrespectful. We have argued about it alot but he doesn't see a problem with it and says it is just the way he is. During our last discussion about it we tried to come up with a compromise. When I asked him what he wanted he said he just wants me to leave him alone about it. I said fine I will I am done fighting over this issue. The problem is it still bothers me and I think there has to be a compromise but do I bring it up again or just keep my mouth shut and turn my head the other way when I don't want to see it? Isn't this like saying my feelings on the matter don't count and I am giving in or is saying this isn't big enough to continue fighting about and I am just being the bigger person by letting it go? What happenes next time I have a problem with something am I going to have to get over it too?

I'm sorry I left out too many details. The problem is seeking other women to look at on the computer. Now I am no prude I like porn and I am open to every idea he has wanted to try. I am not insecure I am happy and love who I am. But 3-4 times a week he types in things like sexy girls or what ever else will work and then sits in front of the screen for 3 hours practically studing these pictures. At one time I even found a list of names of girls he found on one site that he wanted to look for more pictures of.

Answer 1

His way or no way is not a compromise. If you want to make this a big issue, then stand up for yourself. If this is a matter of picking and choosing the battles, then act accordingly. Is this issue worth throwing away the marriage? -- This question is for both of you. In my opinion, there has been no compromise.

Answer 2

Can't help much without knowing what the "horrible habit" is. If it is something like excessive alcohol or drugs, he need sto stop and you shouldn't give in. If it is something like smoking, you would be best to give him a little space but, still letting him know how bad it is for him. If it is something that is just gross like picking his nose, tell him not to do it in your presence or to at least wash his hands before he touches you.
There are many things men do that women don't like (adjusting their package, blowing snot out, farting, etc...) and as sad as it may seem, you won't win on many of them. Some things are better left alone.
As to the compromising part, marriage is all about compromising. I didn't notice that he made any effort to compromise on anything so I think your okay to bring it up again. Good luck.
Just to add one note for all who are recommending counseling. WAKE UP! Why would anyone need to seek counseling for a marriage that is not in trouble. I am so tired of people that think counseling is the answer for everything. Counselors take your money and sit and listen to you talk. period. If they actually helped people, they would be out of a job.

Answer 3

This problem has the potential to get a lot worse as the Internet tries to get you involved in the action instead of just looking at the pictures. I would suggest offering him a subscription to playboy or something like that and agreeing to no Internet porn. If he just does not agree there is definitely a problem either an addiction or something further. Trust your intuition and search his computer for what ever. Some of those pictures that you find could be of real women he talks to and you would never know because he has you thinking they are just porn pics.

Answer 4

Sorry this is rude and disrespectful.

Frankly I would tell him that I find his behaviour offensive and since he has decided to ignore the fact that this hurts you despite your efforts to discuss, that he must either stop or you are leaving.

You can't control what he does. If you take away the computer he can just by magazines etc...

The fact is he is using time that should be spent with you ogling other women and probably your love life is suffering too.

This would make me feel very unattractive and hurt.

I would think about finding another man, since he is not taking you seriously.

Tell him he can enjoy his computer from now on...... hope he does not injure his wrist.

You deserve better.

Answer 5

*Well I'm a little confused right now, what exactly is this "big" problem you are speaking of?! You ranted and you were repetitive about how you continuously fight about this "problem" and yet you failed to mention what the problem is that you are having.

~Anyways if it's that big of a deal to you, and he is not willing to discuss it with you in an adult like manner...then yeah, I would say that is one hell of a problem. Have you two sought counseling for this problem yet? I mean because if he's not willing to talk it out with you...that's odd. That's the only way to solve a problem, so I just thought maybe if he could "blow off his steam" to a counselor or whatever...(someone else) it might help?

-I don't know it's like when my b/f won't listen to me, I go and vent to my g/f's and it feels better to just talk to someone else and express my anger etc. So maybe it's the same concept with going to see a therapist or counselor also for some people?-

**That's just an idea. ** But really I think if it's bothering you that much, you should maybe seek someone else to intervine and do an intervention type of deal w/ your husband...and see how that goes?


**Anyways I really hope you two solve this problem.

Answer 6

I'm a very anal person when it comes to my house. Clean freak I am. And my man bugs the crap out of me with certain things he does and doesn't do..But you have to remember what is more important. You and your husband being happy or the fact that you need to have some sort of say so regarding this issue? I have learned that I need to get over things that I can not control, maybe this is something that you need to learn to deal with and not let it bother you too..

Answer 7

I know that this might sound a little immature. But I say you give him a dose of the same medicine. It clearly sounds like you are embarrassed from what he does. And maybe you should do something that he might he take offense (on the other hand not embarrassing yourself while doing it either) just to prove your point. Let him know that it is something you just cannot get over. I hope this helps.

Answer 8

What the heck is THE PROBLEM.... other women, porn, masturbation, drinking? I think you are trying to seek excessive control in your relationship and have made this a point of contention in the power struggle.

Thanks for the extra info.....Look, just get off his back about it. Tell him that you would appreciate it if he would do his looking etc. when you are not around or are not in the same room. BTW I think he is a bit excessive about it for what that is worth. This issue is NOT worth the power struggle you are making it however...

Answer 9

Depends on what the problem is, and to what extent it bothers you. If you're unable to make some kind of compromise between you, the problem will continue to grow, affecting your quality of life together.

Answer 10

2 words:
couples therapy.
You did not compromise, he just wants to make the issue go away and you let it go for a while, but here it is raising it's ugly head again. I think it is time to bring in a neutral third party to help him learn some methods of facing issues and learning to compromise.