is it wise to move for my boyfriend given the circumstances (read on)?

Question

I need unbiased advice. My boyfriend of 1 1/2 years was offered full tuition+ to a 6yr MA/Ph.D. program 2 states away. It's a 1-time opportunity for him. Although I'm happy for him, I can't commit to moving at this point. I am looking into jobs but don't want to move unless I have one, and even them, am a bit insecure about moving for a boyfriend, not fiancee. Plus, I am reluctant to leave my community & circle of friends -- already I live 1500 miles away from my core family. My boyfriend's best friend lives in the same city as the school, and now he is talking about buying a house with him if I don't make a decision soon (they both have money saved, I don't). He says he wants to be stable before school starts, they'd use VA loans to purchase. But not being legally a part of a mortgage & living w/ best friend makes me wary. He says he is committed and wants to marry eventually but not now just b/c of circumstances. I am 29 yrs old and don't want to mess around. Opinions?

Answer 1

My girl you sound like a sensible person and no I doubt you should move without a ring around your finger. You can go all that way and suddenly he no longer wants to be with you and then what?

Follow wisdom and not feelings and emotions here. If he really loves you he will keep in touch and call. Personally I think you should give one another the freedom to date other partners and then one day when he returns you will know if he was meant for you or not.

I dont think it wise to move away at all, but its not up to me to tell you...you have to follow what you feel to do best. I think you already have answered your own question.

Answer 2

I personally would not move. There is no reason why the two of you cannot have a jp wedding and live as a married couple if this is what you both want. I've known plenty of people who were married, and going to school; yes, it's hard, but it is not mutually exclusive - and emotionally it's no different than being in a committed relationship and going to school: it's still hard when you can't make time for your significant other, married or not. It is understandable that he wants to concentrate on school. But it seems to me that moving with him entails a big investment and a big risk for you. It is up to you to decide if you feel your relationship is strong enough to warrant such a risk. He has made it clear that he's not willing to cement your relationship any further at the moment. Now, no one but you can decide if it's worth taking a gamble. I can only say that I personally probably wouldn't do it. After a year and a half, I would fully expect to be getting married to a person; if they put other things before our relationship, it would not bode well with me, and I would rather play it safe and look for someone for whom a relationship is one of the top priorities. I wouldn't be uprooting my whole life based merely on a vague promise that someday we "might" be getting married and starting a family. The promise would have to be much more concrete for me to even consider changing my life so dramatically.

Answer 3

I think you need a stronger commitment from him before you take this step. If you were married it would be an entirely different ball game.

If he is to be your primary social support in a strange city, then it is reasonable to have some certainty that he will see it through.

Also what reason could he have for not marrying now? He says he wants to marry, he is suggesting you come live with him, you have been going out for 1 and 1/2 years, what's he waiting for? It can't be money because it will cost the same to live with him either way. Regardless of what is going on in his life, if you want to be married, it makes sense to pursue a man that also wants to marry. If he is not ready after a year and half, then maybe it is time to look elsewhere.

Answer 4

Hmmm, well, it honestly sounds like the best thing to do is not move. You both aren't married and he has serious obligations he's looking forward to take on, school, house/mortgage type of thing, and you are still looking for another job. I wouldn't recommend moving. There's too much at stake for you and not him, you know what I mean? What happens if you move with him and you have a hard time finding a job? All three of you live together; that will get old and out of hand. You sound very intelligent and you know what you want and what you need to do, but it doesn't seem to fit into the grand scheme of things. That's not a bad thing, it is what it is, you know?

Answer 5

I can't say that I would give up the life I know to follow someone else's dream. You may not be happy there. Things will change for the both of you. You have only been together for over a year. Maybe start out going to visit him once he has moved and see his lifestyle, he night not have enough time for you if he is in college and studying all the time. I would take it one step at a time and don't be in any hurry to give up everything for someone you haven't known very long. If he is wanting to buy a house with anyone else, it doesn't sound like he is commit ed to you, if he wants to live with his best friend. Sounds like to me you have a good head on your shoulders, take time and see how things go after he gets settled in his new town.

Answer 6

Hmmm sticky situation. I'm kinda in the same boat as you (you should email me!)

Anyway.... hun, talk is cheap. You have to distinguish dreams from reality, and good intentions from serious proposals.

Sure you love him and I'm sure he loves you too, but he needs to give you reassurance and a guaranttee that he won't change your mind later leaving you homeless and away from your safety net.

Dear, you are not 18 to pack up and go and "start over". You already have a stablished life and if he wants you there he has to do better than that.

Plain and simple tell him that you have a lot of stake and that you are not going to play any games at this point of your life. Tell him that you love him dearly and if you are meant to be together you will find the right way to make things possible.

The house buying and roommate situation is too shady for my taste. Stay where you are and commute to go see him. If he is for you, he will do the right thing .

Best of luck

Answer 7

That's a really tough call. I would feel really uncomfortable about the position it would put you in. I can understand him wanting to wait until he's more established, but I wouldn't want to wait to get married in that circumstance. It's an insecure position. Especially if your not finding a job right away. Especially because he sounds like he's making his own plans for "his" life, not plans for your life together. I guess I would ask myself if I could live with being a "lady in waiting" or not. That's the real question, can you live with waiting. Saying you want to get married someday is different than actually marrying them. Until you actually marry them, its just words. It's an unfulfilled promise.

Answer 8

Sounds like your not truly in love with him. I live about 2 hours away from a girl that I have fallen in love with and if things progress with she and I then I am moving back there to be with her no matter the circumstances which may mean I have to take a step back in my work. She lives near my hometown and we've been talking again for a few months now and I'm determined if she's feeling the same way I am to make things work. Sounds like you need to do a lot of thinking!

Answer 9

So, YOU have made up YOUR mind for the BOTH of you. Is that SELFISH? You letter starts out nice, but when you say "I don’t believe that we are compatible", I think that the baloney is starting. What was this boyfriend for, just to keep you company through high school? Did you ever talk about being married and/or living together? You seem to be throwing away something that many people can not get. And you say you are not rejecting him, but you ARE. You are not letting him go, you are throwing him away. I think that you ARE making the biggest mistake of your life. Before you send a letter like this, why don't you talk and find out what his plans are with you, after you move away. Ask him what HE thinks he will want to do. (with you). You MUST listen to his side and how HE feels. Maybe he doesn't want to marry you. Maybe he is wanting to go on to other things too. If it is so, then you can break your relationship a lot easier. But if he is connected to you as strongly as I think, then your letter will almost kill him. Three years is enough time to know somebody well enough to marry them. And three years is enough time to have a VERY strong bond. A bond that will take several years to soften. So I see you as giving up on his loyalty to you. I just wonder what things you two have planned on for the future, after you graduated. Think deeper. This is not just about YOU. It is about you AND him. But I was also thinking that you might want to "meet new people" or be free to do this at your university. And that is not good either. Sometimes people can be apart, but can get back together. I had a gf of a year (I knew her since elementary school) when I left for college and she was in 12th grade. It took many months to find out that our relationship was falling apart, but after I found out, she told me she met somebody only 10 days after I left home. So it took several months for me to find out what was going on, even though I went home every other week and went out with her and she still acted like she always did. So what exactly are your plans? p.s. You can't break up by letter. You have to do it in person. Were you intending to meet him and give this to him to read? If you did not intend to be with him when he reads this, or you intended to email it to him, then you are being really coarse and cruel. I think your letter will make him feel like he wants to have a heart attack.

Answer 10

If you don't have anything holding you down where you are at then why not go. You have the opportunity to try some place new with the person that you love.
I am all for trying new things and if My now husband didn't move to be close to me I don't think we would be married now.