How do I deal with step children who I feel hate me?

Question

I have been married for two years. He has two children from a previous marriage. I love his children, but because of the evil things his ex says to them about me, they resent me and treat me like crap. They have even said they wished I would die and that they hate me. Is this typical? What should I do? I need help since I feel lost. Being a step mom is very hard it would be nice to hear how to deal with such a bad situation.

Answer 1

The old saying is United we stand___ Divided we fall. The ex wife is jealous, and because she is not happy she wants no one to be happy! The ex dosn't care that there is enough love to go around for everybody. She is depriving her children fom having a relationship with you. She wants to cause you and your husband problems. Sometimes this is a way that an ex can stay connected to her past relationship......much like a child getting attention from bad behavior........that kind of attention is better than no attention at all. The father needs to redirect his children in a good way. In your home there should br rules and the number one rule is showing respect to the both of you. If you can't say something nice ......then don't say nothing at all. You and your husband need to see a counseler and get proffesional advice on how to deal with these children when they are acting out. The most important thing here is the relationship between you and your husband. The children are important to ......they have suffered their own loss......all children want is to know that they are loved and secure. Their mother is trying to hinder that and that is emotional abuse. She is thinking of herself only and that is sad..........she needs help with a conselor to. What the mother is doing is wrong where her children are concerned. When a mother truely cares about the emotional well being of her children she could also redirect her childrens behavior by encouraging them that it's ok to like your step-mom. It appears that these children are having loyalty issues, and the mother is not helping them to accept you! What ever the ex is having a problem with it will surely affect her children,and having a great relationship with you and the father. The father needs to get to the bottom of it in the best way he can. If the father ignores it he isn't helping anyone here. Second marriages are harder than first marriages due to past issues. These children think that if you just go away and die all their problems would be solved. There are some deep issues here with these kids and if your husband dosn't help them to see things in a better light it will affect his marriage with you. Eventually you will distance yourself from them in order to protect yourself emotionally. What they are saying is hurting you........but, not as much as your husband is by not defending you. His children are his responsibility. You and I can view all this because we didn't carry these children in our bodies, and bond with them from birth. He did and you didn't.We didn't have the honor of of doing that.I understand how you feel because I am a step-mom to.We want to love them but they won't let us in. Your husband needs to take your hurt and pain seriously. Because the children will pick up on your behavior of eventually backing away from them emotionally. Sometimes this can happen with us as step-moms because we don't want to be hurt anymore and feel things are not going to get any better with them. It can cause us to dread every encounter with them. It reflects our own marriages when we think or expect our husbands could do something about it and they do nothing. If your husband refuses to seek proffessional help on this matter--------- you go for yourself. I truely wish the very best for all of you. So good luckto you

Answer 2

*Yes it is normal. My mom re-married, and I hated her new husband, even though they have known each other since I was like 5 yrs. old (I'm 21 now). But anyways yes, I resented him with a passion...why?....well honestly I didn't have a "real" reason.
-I'll admit that I only did not like him because I was jealous and felt like he was "stealing" my mom away from me and my siblings....or rather stealing the attention away from us. Oh and it didn't help either that some of my other family members had reasons to dislike him as well, therefore they would always talk about what a bad person he is etc. (Which really he never did anything to them.)

*Anyways I know all kids/teens are different, but I eventually learned to overcome my jealousy...and let my mom and her new husband be happy. And I quit trying to make them miserable just because I felt sorry for myself and "miserable."

-It takes time, and maturity...for kids/teens. Because I am sure you are a great mom :) And they know it, but they just let other people influence them into thinking otherwise about you. So there really isn't too much you can do to "make" them feel differently, because it sounds like right now they are being rebellious...and only going off what their mom tells them about you.

*You should not have to feel that way, and I don't know if you have talked to your husband about this ongoing problem or not, or if he's aware of how you feel? But if it's making you feel this bad...then it needs to be discussed as a "family" and everyone should be involved, almost like an intervention type of thing. Because that is ridiculous...you don't deserve that kind of treatment at all.

.Anyways I hope things start looking up for you, and they get better...because you sound like you are a great mom and you do care a lot about these kids, because if you didn't you wouldn't be asking for advice/help.

**Good luck, let me know how it turns out.

Answer 3

After my parents divorced my dad found another woman quite quickly. He did say that he would always put us (his children) first but the situation was very awkward. As a father his loyalties may always lie foremost with his children so it may be difficult for him to intervene as his children may see this as a betrayal and think that you are mainpulating him. If you think that the mother is spreading bad feeling, maybe you should try helping the children with small personal problems like homework; friend issues; outings etc. Thats how my step mum became more accepted within our family. It has been 6 years, and I remember being quite a brat at first but we all get on well now and she helps us out often.

Answer 4

Hmm. NIce. I would say to handle this one or two ways. I would first let your husband know what's going on, which I'm sure he does and have him deal with her. If he does and that doesn't work, then it's time for you to step in and confront her about things. She'll deny everything but this will show her that you know what she's been doing and that you aren't afraid of her. One of two things will come out of this, either it will escalate and you and your husband will have to really crack down and do something about her, OR she's going to have to respect you and of course still hate you, but she might change her tune and realize you aren't playing and that you don't care what she thinks or says behind your back. You know what I mean? I'm not a big person and I had to do it once a long time ago, it fixed the person's wagon per say.

Answer 5

Been there done that, it sucks. The only way your marriage stands a chance is if your husband stands up for you.

I watched to much Brady Bunch as a kid, I thought we could get married "blend" our families and live happily ever after. Real life doesn't work that way.

We ended up divorcing over his ex and her need to be a part of our lives and my husband allowing it.

All you can do is keep trying with the children and be the best step-parent that yoy can and NEVER try to compete or take the place of their mother. Even if you are nicer, treat them better they will always Love her more and treat her better.

But your husband should not allow them to treat you disrespectfully!!

Trying to blend a family is HARD!!!!

Answer 6

I'm curious to know how this began and why it has continued. My husband's 10 year old would *never* dare speak to me that way or even talk back. If he did, he'd be begging for mercy to his dad. He respects me not just out of fear, but because he knows I demand respect. I don't even have to look at him for him to get back in line. I don't know what you guys are doing wrong but it sounds like your husband needs to put his kids on check and punish them if they disrespect you. The kid's mom might also be saying things about you, but we don't really know that. All we know is that it's happening in your home and it needs to stop. Talk to your husband. He is the key here and he needs to discipline them. Show him it upsets you and explain why. Ask him what he plans to do about it. If he does nothing, I suggest you leave the house when they are there and spend time with your baby at a friend's house or at your moms if possible. Once you're not there to pick up after them and cook for them, your husband's dim light might turn on. If I ever feel disrespected, I leave. Then my husband hates it because he knows he has to change and it's not so easy without me, plus he just misses me. It works, put your foot down.

Answer 7

I have 3 step children, 15 yo Boy and Girl 12 yo boy. The boys really weren't that hard to get along with. His daughter hated me, because well she blamed me for him not being with her mom and because we had a daughter together. I wasn't even old enough to get married when he and her mom split, so that had to be dealt with. I dont try to be the kids best friend, I gave up on that. I just fix the meals and have cool things for them to do. Resentments go away in time. But it is really up to the dad to help clear this stuff up. He needs to talk to his kids and let them know that it is your home too, that he loves them, that they need to respect you. You and he MUST be a united front. Otherwise you are never going to get over this feeling. My step daughter may not like me that much but she does respect me. She has said and done some nasty things, caused quite a few fights in our home(none that she has ever seen, I have more control than that) But all you can really do is earn respect. Good luck and if you ever need to talk you can send me an email.

Answer 8

2 words:
FAMILY Counseling.
Sounds like toxic mom is using them to get back at her ex. Kids are not mature enough to separate and analyze the situation and are reacting to what is being put in their heads by someone who has a lot of power over them, but not their best interests at heart.
Family therapy is a healthy, non- threatening way to cope with, and possibly overcome this situation.
The best thing about this is that you can show them that you are truly trying and that you love them. The therapist provides a neutral place to express feelings, and a neutral place to help them understand how toxic their mom is being and help you and your husband learn how to present a united and stable environment for them to come to the realization that you are not the enemy, but a member of their family.

Answer 9

sounds like your family could use therapy. also it depnds on the age of the children and what kind of realtionship they have with their father. I am a stepmom also, it is not easy at all to combine familes. I have 2 and he has 3. We waited till most of the children were grown before we married. Now we have 2 at home, both teenagers, 1 is mine and 1 is his. We still have our problems, sometimes they are bad enough that I don't think we will make it and other times ....not so bad. I don't really know what the answer is, but know you are not alone.

Answer 10

I'm a stepmom too and it's tough!

You have got to stay focused. Remember, this is not how the kids feel, it's how their mom wants them to feel. We moms are powerful people.. and apparently she is a twisted mom who doesn't care much about her kids happiness.

But you do.. so keep acting like it! Be there, try to help them when you can. Let them know you are not only there for their dad but for them too! At first it WILL be tough, but in the end they will make their own judgement about you based on YOU, not on the lies their mom is telling.

Don't ever forget they are kids being controlled. Don't take it personally, just be the mom they need and let them be the kids they need to be without all the crap.