Do I break up with him or wait until he breaks up with me because of my kids?

Question

I am a recently divorced single mom of 2 small children (4 and 19 months). I have been dating a single guy for a couple months and we really hit it off. We are crazy about each other because we connect in so many ways and have so much in common. He tells me he loves me often. Just last week, though, he lost his job due to a company merger falling through and he is now expressing fears of being a good "father" to my kids because of both his abusive childhood and because their father is still very much a part of their lives. He said that this is the only issue he sees breaking us up. I think he would make a great dad someday. My kids adore him. Should I leave him because he is expressing doubts or should I just enjoy being with him until the day he decides that he definitely can't be a "parent" to my kids? He says it would be easier for him if either I didn't have kids or if I was a widow because then he would know what his role was.

No we aren't living together. His lease expires in June and he said if we are still together in a few months that maybe we can move in together into a new place. We aren't talking marriage but he has joked about it a few times and he's 40, 9 years older than me, and he wants to settle down and have a family.

It wasn't my decision initially for him to meet my kids. He kept asking to meet them because he said he loves kids, so I finally let him. He said that when hanging out with him it felt odd to him rather than feeling comfortable with them like he is with his sister's kids. I told him that his job right now is to just have fun with them, not parent them and he said that he wants to be able to help shape and mold them but he can't because they already have 2 parents.

Just to clarify: I have a 4 year old son and a 19 month old daughter.

Answer 1

Don't break up on speculation that he might break up with you because of the kids. They adore him...and the two of you are crazy about each other. Give it more time, and see what happens.

Answer 2

It sounds like this man has some issues that stem from way back. If you've only known him or a "couple months" then why should he be deeply involved with the kids anyway. What is it that he wants to do NOW for the 4 & 9 month old BABIES that their father cannot? Why is he so interested in your children, so much to the point where he would allow them to interfere with his personal issues (having no job, not knowing his "position" due to the father).

And for the record, he does not have a role. His role is to be with you...that's it. His role is to NOT offer his opinion on your family, NOT try to interfere with your family, and NOT make efforts to play mind games as his is doing now.

What is it, do you think, that would make a 40-year-old man want to be with a woman nine years his junior and her two babies (not even toddlers yet), so badly that he's already throwing temper tantrums a "couple months" into the relationship because he is not getting what he wants?

It is true that he may become a good father...he may also become a rapist], a wife-beater, an alcoholic. You yourself said that he has issues of an abusive childhood. Take that into consideration when he's extra upset of something involving you and your children, when he doesn't even really know you that well - even if you've talked and talked and talked....that doesn't mean he KNOWS you, or that you know him.

Good luck!

Answer 3

First of all you mentioned your ex husband is a very active parent.....what do the kids need a step daddy for?? This boyfriend can participate in family orientated things you do with the kids every now and then, but there is no need for this boyfriend to play daddy, the kids have a daddy, and I would advise you to not allow Mr. Boyfriend to even spend any real time with your children, again, THEY HAVE A DADDY. It's you trying to force him to be there daddy when there ( the kids) not lacking in that department. And your boyfriend is telling you in so many words he's not interested in being there daddy. Can you read between the lines of that statement? He's also saying marriage is not on the horizon. If a man from the door tells you the things this cat has regarding fatherhood when you have 2 small children, but he would be better off if you had no children, he's saying he's is not the least bit interested in being a daddy to nothing, especially not your kids.

If a man is not as excited about my children as he is me.......then in the words of my girl Beyonc'e:

TO THE LEFT, TO THE LEFT, EVERYTHING YOU OWN IN A BOX TO THE LEFT!

Answer 4

YOU need to decide what you want his role to be toward your children, then tell him. Men are just as prone to feel like they lack direction as anyone else and they're glad to have someone steer them back on the right track every once in a while if they get confused. I'd say this is especially true considering his childhood and the dedication of your ex-husband.

My suggestion would be let him know what you want him to be. If their father is doing a great job, don't expect or invite your boyfriend to do it (you've got two male egos to consider). As long as it doesn't hurt, continue loving him as you do now and let him find a comfortable niche with your kids.

Be prepared to explain to your children who their real father is and make sure to remind them that they are loved equally by the three adults in their lives. As your children grow, they will understand that they were born of love and raised in love. Time will reveal what your boyfriend's place is (probably a father-figure similar to an uncle) encourage him not to be distant, however.

Let your instincts guide you. Good luck!

Answer 5

It sounds like your kids are a MAJOR hang up for him. He feels inadequate. The fact that he cares enough to consider his role in their lives is very promising though. However, I wouldn't throw in the towel just yet, you wouldn't want to wonder what could have been. Give him a little time, he may be initially freaked with all the potential for responsibility he sees, but in time that may fade. In the meantime try to keep your relationship with him separate from you kids. It is your job to keep them safe. There is no reason for them to get attached just yet it's early. You guys are still in the 'can't keep your hands off each other' phase. When that fades you may find that you guys are more infatuated with each other than in love. You shouldn't bring a man into your childs life until you know it's love, and you know he's going to be around.

Answer 6

In reading your post my concern is you have only been dating a couple of months yet all these plans. I would slow down, you have two precious children to consider in this rush to judgment. Also I find this guy a bit wishy washy. Wants to have a family yet has his doubts on fatherhood. I feel a red flag in this. Honestly your question is premature. You need to spend more time with guy to notice more patterns of behavior. A couple months doesn't seem long enough. Moving in together is a real bad idea with children involved. Take a step back.

Answer 7

Be FRIENDS first. He should not even be stressing over how good of a father he's going to be when
1.) hes not the father,
2.) your not living together
3.) your not in a real committed relationship, or should not be.
4.) kids and ex's with new boy friend is like gas and a match. it will get volatile and everyone looses.

Answer 8

Strange how he brings up the "abusive childhood" now. Also, I don't get the excuse of your children's father being in their lives as a reason for breaking up. Was he not in their lives when you met this guy?

To me, it sounds like he's flinging excuses for not being in the relationship...and it's too bad that your kids have grown attached to him. Maybe it would be best to keep your kids out of the picture of all future relationships until you see that it's leading to a life time commitment.

Answer 9

A suggestion is to see if he will go to some parenting classes, and perhaps some personal counseling sessions. If he truly worries about this being an issue, he needs to take the time and address this with people who can help him.

Answer 10

Boy, this guy is really a jerk. I would send him packing immediately. Your kids are so small, it would seem you might want to concern yourself with their welfare and not your relationship issues. They don't need a "new" daddy every time you think you like someone. Give it a rest and concentrate on them.