Why is there tension between so many mother and daughter in laws?

Question

My mother in law was so nice to me in the beginning, but over time she has become increasingly critical of me and talks behind my back, and I have seen more of her cranky, controlling side. I am always nice and polite to her. I just think she is nitpicky, and she seems to talk a lot about other women in the family too like her dauhgter and other daughter in law (her sons can do no wrong!). She does a lot of careless things with my babies too so I have to be careful when she visits, and she seems to really resent that I don't hand my babies over to her, and this has made the tension a lot worse.

It seems as though a lot of other married women have these gripes about their mother in laws. Why is this? I grew up with two sisters and no brothers and I don't have a son, so I don't get it. Do mother in laws have the same issues with daughter in laws as we have with them? There just seems to be so much tension on both sides and I don't know why this is an issue for so many people.

Answer 1

Some mothers find it hard to think anyone is good enough for their son, just as some mothers find it hard to think anyone is good enough for their daughter! :) It may be that it is hard for her to let go and have you be the nurturning figure in his life. Give her some time and she will come around. She probably isn't going to fall in love with you over night, but nine times out of ten you and she will become the best of friends. You're just having a rocky beginning. Hold your ground. After all you have a lot in common - you both love the same man and he's very important to you! Good luck and God bless you.

Answer 2

As a 29 year old man that is very close to his mother and father, my first gut reaction is that the core cause of the riff between you and your mother in law revolves around the mother in laws feelings being hurt.

Obviously, I have no idea what kind of mother/grandmother your mother in law is, but whether she is golden or "careless" like you describe, it has to destroy her that you, not only do not trust her enough to let her keep her grandkids, but you don't even let your kids out of your sight whenever she is around. Once again, I have no idea what kind of person she is, but, atleast in her mind, she was a good enough care giver to raise a son that you were willing to marry. Thus, she must be responsible enough to take care of her grandkids, right?

Does that make sense? I just cannot imagine a better way to hurt a womans feelings than to question her child care ability.

On the flip side, it sounds like your feelings are hurt that she might be talking behind your back, which is completely understandable. Now, to be fair, you are talking behind her back as well, but, nonetheless, it still hurts.

It's all about feelings being hurt. As long as a daughter and a mother in law are willing to hurt each others feelings, there is going to be tension.

Does that make sense?

Answer 3

Mothers are very protective of their children period but the boys are and always will be mommas boys. The last thing mom wants to do is see you getting all of her sons attention cause that now means he was two important women in his life. The mother should always be the top women but things change when the man decides to get married. It is then his responsibility to keep the wife and family happy. Mom sort of gets a back seat. She barely recieves the phone calls that she use to get before you two became serious. Then it could also be old age. My mother hates my brothers wife because she talks to him like his stupid and tries to talk negatively about him in front of their child. All the more reason why I myself cant stand my sister law either. Maybe its not her it might be something your doing and havent thought outside the box long enough to realize it. It might be that she could see alot of her in you or something and is kind of lashing out in a negative way. It could be many reasons.

Answer 4

She can't accept that fact her son has a family of his own and she is no longer #1 in his life. Not all mother in laws are like this. I have a son and when the day comes and he marries I will treat my daughter in law like part of the family as a daughter i never had. She may also resent that you are the one he loves and she can't control him or butt in. The best advice i can give you is to have a open and honest one on one talk with her and ask her why your relationship has changed what can you both do to make the relationship stress free and return to the time you both got along. Explain to her how you feel and that she will always be his mom but his is a grown man with a family of his own.

Answer 5

Well.... My daughter-in-law and I are going on a chick's road trip in May, just the two of us. She is married to my only child, and I adore her! She obviously likes me, too; how many daughters-in-law would want to go on a road trip with their mother-in-law? We talk on the phone for an hour; the conversation is about all sorts of things, not just about my son. I have no reservations about spending time with her. She always asks me to stay longer when I visit. I guess it's all about maturity and a lack of insecurity.
I think a lot of women think no one is good enough for their son, but I'm thrilled my son is married to such a great woman!

Answer 6

basically your relationship is founded rirvals for the love and attention of your husband. I went through this too until I decided to work past it. Things improved significant when I developed my own relationship from her..separate from my husband. Once we were both over the pettiness we became really close and now I truly feel she is my surrogate Mom as well. The fact that it bothers you and you're wanting it different is very positive. Chances are she would feel the same way but just doesn't know how to change the dynamics. Good Luck

Answer 7

Nobody is good enough for any mother's son, or so they think. They have a hard time letting a new woman be the most important influence in their son's life. Just try not to give her any reason to complain about the way you take care of your family and ignore her pettiness. You will be the better person and everyone else will see it for what it is.

Answer 8

I had the same problem with my mother-in-law omg she was such a witch and then one day I just snapped and called her every name in the book (words I didn't even know were in my vocabulary..lol). After my "blow-up" our relationship has done a complete turn around. She said that until that day she didn't respect me because I never stood up for myself and she thought in someway I wouldn't stand up for her only son. I think that you should sit down and have a heart to heart with her, maybe not cuss her up one side and down the other, but a talk that will clear the air between you both. I have a little boy and when he grows up I hope that I am not the dreaded Mother-in Law but who knows...lol. Good Luck with the Monster-in-Law...lol

Answer 9

Yes it seems to be the norm, only it can change. I had the same tension with my mother-in-law, because I felt like she didnt think I measured up to what she wanted for her son. Over the years I realized that she only wanted the best for him, and she eventually was won over by me. We ended up as very good friends until her death. Life is short. I plan to look for all of the good qualities in the women that my sons choose and be thankful that they found someone who loves them.

Answer 10

Hi Twin mom,
I have just the opposite problem. I have a daughter-in-law who will hardly even speak to me. I wish I knew what I have done wrong.She has been married to my son for 19 years, and our relationship has gradually gotten worse. I always remember her on her birthday and Mother's Day. I never know if she gets our presents unless I check on-line with UPS. I never receive a thank you note for anything. I called today to wish rhem Happy Easter. I spoke with both of my granddaughters and my son and asked to speak to her, but my son said he did not know where she was. I want to improve this relationship. We never get invited to their home for anything. I found out today that her mother is coming for a week to stay and see a play that my granddaughter is going to be in. The last time, we went there, my son told us we had to leave because my daughter-in-law did not want us there. That was two years ago. It is so sad for all of us. I hope you can work this out with your mother-in-law. She just wants to be a part of your life, and probably does not know how to go about it. Don't shut her out.