Am i right to be reacting like this to my dad's infidelity?

Question

i'm 18 and my parents are getting divorced b/c my dad's been cheating for few years apparently and w/ a bunch of different women. he's not sorry for cheating and justifies it by saying that he wasn't happy w/ my mom but stayed together for the kids. i'm livid with him and can't forgive him, and I told him i would've preferred that they get divorced before he began cheating. He said "that's a very young point of view" and he said that i have too strict of an idea of how people should behave. he also said that as i grow up i'll realize that his cheating wasn't as big of a deal as i think it is. Basically everything he says is a criticism of me and he's only making me feel worse. I just want to make sure that it's reasonable for me to be this upset. I don't understand why he keeps trying to hurt me and my mom and defend himself, rather than apologizing and showing some sympathy and remorse.

Answer 1

You were right, he should have left and filed for divorce before cheating. It makes me wonder why in the world he would make excuses to a 18 year old like this, does he want you to think this is the way adults should act in marriages? Cheaters, will defend themselves because of the guilt. They would rather bring all the heat on someone else, like you right now, instead of him. You have good morals, just keep them.

Answer 2

Believe me he has to feel bad. He may not want to show both of you that he feels bad but he does. What is already done is done there is really nothing you can do about it now except for accepting your Dad flaws and all. He just has not grown up especially if he cheated on your mom countless of times with different women. You could also not know the whole story of the marriage as well. Your Mom could of ignored your Dad in ways that was very important to him. He should of been upfront with her and told her what was important to him. I know your hurt from what your dad did but if he was a good dad and loved you unconditionally then maybe you should do the same.

Answer 3

He knows he did the wrong thing. He is trying to push the blame elsewhere. If he had been honest he would have left your mother long ago. He wanted his cake, icing, and candle.

Yes, it is reasonable for you to be upset. You feel that your father has let you down. Understand that he make a choice and with that choice came consequences. It was an immature choice and now he is in danger of losing the respect you once had for him.

This is going to take time to settle. Try not to say things you'll be sorry for later. You are better than that.

Don't waste your energy wishing for him to be remorseful and apologize to you or your mother. Ain't gonna happen.

Answer 4

This is something I can relate to very well.My youngest daughter was 12 at the time me and my ex wife split up.She was cheating on me and had been for almost two years. My daughters were both very upset because of the split. I couldn't tell them why we were getting a divorce because what ever I said would make their mother look bad to them.Both of them were angry at her for leaving us and would say some nasty things about their mother.Once they ask me if it was true their mother was sleeping with someone else.I couldn't lie to them so I told them only enough to make them ask their mother what was going on.She never did tell them anything about it to this day. My kids had to hear what happened at school through gossip and what other kids parents told them. My youngest daughter has always spoke her mind.My ex finally moved in with this man without dissussing it with them first,just grab some cloths and spend the night with out warning.My youngest daughter was devistated by this and wouldn't have anything to do with her mother for about a year.Both my kids choose to live with me after that.It's now been over six years and my youngest still doesn't have that much to do with her mother.They see each other and talk on the phone but it isn't what a mother daughter relationship should be.I found out about a year ago that my ex told the girls that it wasn't any of their concern why or what she did.It was her life and she made the choices that she wanted to make.Soon after I found this out my kids and I were out to dinner one night and they began to talk about how much she had hurt them and how selfish she had been.Both of them have emotional scars because of something a parent did to them.It hurts me to know how they feel but I can't find any words to comfort them.After the divorce things got crazy and the kids seen it all.They had trouble in school and in their personal life also.I decided that they were having a hard enough time so I choose not to date.Now that they are older they thank me for not bringing someone else into their life before they had time to adjust to the past. My advice to you is try to forgive but don't forget what has happened.Use what you have seen and learned so that one day you can make the best decisions if something should come up like this.Remember how it made you feel so that you will have more respect for your family.I told my kids these same things and they listened very closely.

Answer 5

As you grow older and study people, you will find that people almost always blame someone else for they screw ups. A man who beats his wife blames her for making him mad. Someone cuts you off on the freeway, you chase him for awhile then get into an accident. You blame him for cutting you off. Your dad is doing what humans do. In the Bible Aaron made a golden calf. When Moses came down from the mountain Aaron said the calf just jumped out of the pot like that. Ann Landers used to say, you have two ears, one marked in the other marked out. Use that in this situation. Just don't listen anymore. Let your mother and father deal with it. He will not say he is sorry.

Answer 6

I know how you feel because my dad is doing the same as well - he blames my mom and us for his infidelity. I think he is doing that because he tries to make us wrong to justify his action. That's a coward thing to do because he can't even feel responsible for his own action and blame it on somebody else. Does he ever think that by having affairs with women will make us a happy family? Just ignore him and go on with your life - cause I do.

Answer 7

It is likely, and reasonable, that you look at your fathers relationship with your mother, and think "thats what I can expect". Little boys look at their dads and say "Im going to be like him someday", and little girls look at their mommies and say "Im going to be a mommie, just like you".

So your fathers lie, and betrayal hit you as being against you as well as against your mom. You are never going to be able to look at the young man/man who loves you and not ask "Is he going to do what my father did". Deep inside yourself you are feeling that inocence stolen. You are feeling that unasked question preparing itself someday to be asked. Your sky just got a little smaller, and your world just got a little darker, and you didnt do anything to deserve it or earn it.

That wound you feel comes from one lie. The second lie that your father is saying is that its your fault, or that your unspoken expectations are invalid. He has no right to tell your heart what to expect, or that it is wrong to want that. He doesnt have a right to tell your heart it has to love the darkness and allow him to get off how he likes in exchange for your sense of security. Thats something he is trying to steal, but he will only succeed if you let him - dont let him. A betrayal is a betrayal, and he is not the victim in this, your mother is, you are, and those women he is promiscuous are. Tell your mom to make him get a std test before being willing to sleep with him. Theres a lot of bad things other than AIDS going around. Your dad could give your mom cervical cancer, and your mom would be asymptomatic until its too late.

So here is how you fight a lie - the truth. Not a truth, but the specific truth that addresses the lie.

As a woman you have a right to give your heart to whom you choose. Part of the contract, the covenant, is that the one who holds your heart should treat it rightly. If he does not, he is culpable before the face of eternity, and love. He owes a debt. It is not unjust or unfair in any way to expect your heart, your trust, and your relationship should be held by a man who is worthy of them, and who treats them with the honor, integrity, and respect they deserve.

Dont give your heart to just any guy, and dont give your heart away to a man under 24 or over 42 who is looking to get it. Under 24 and his self isnt formed, over 42 and looking means he is looking for a piece, and not a commitment, and you are the glove with which he intends to make himself feel good.

Go to church, not to a big one, but to a bible teaching bible believing church. Get involved with a community who is committed to marriage and to accountability. It takes a village to raise a child, but it also takes a village to make a marriage. Your father required a village to break the marriage.

Three great books that have saved hundreds of thousands of marriages (millions?), that are worthy reads ahead of your first date, much less your first dance, first kiss, wedding ring, your wedding night or anything else are:
- a lasting promise
- his needs her needs
- the five love languages.

If you only read one, and not all three its almost as good as having not read any.

Answer 8

the way i see it, i dont care if your my father, friend or stranger, i dislike cheating, theres no reason for it, and im gonna snub u for it no matter who u are