Why do we settle for second choice or best?

Question

when we found out that our spouse had an affair?
2) And why is it that people think that going to a councilor will help with whats going on??
3) Is it possible that even the spouse do get what he/she needs in bed, they still go out there and look for different kind??
4) Now even for some of us that never did wrong to our relationship,why do we end up making a choice like if we love we will forgive?
5) Is it so easy for some of us to swallow our dignity just to accept the fact that it happen and we need to move on,like nothing happen??

Answer 1

Lot of questions. You cant stereo type cheating. People cheat for varying reasons. I was a wonderful wife to my ex husband....our sex life was great and I thought we had the perfect marriage. 15 years down the track I found out he had been cheating....not with just one woman but as many as he could find. There were other things in his past too, but the bottom line is some people cheat for the hell of it....usually because of a lack of moral values they have seen or been taught in their upbringing....but most of them "cheat" because of problems in the marriage. I dont advocate that cheating is the solution, but I do understand why some people do.

I think even the most confident person will take their spouse back because having an affair does not make you fall out of love with your spouse....all it does is hurt you to the quick, but doesnt stop you from loving him or her. If the spouse says they are sorry and it wont happen again, that they made a huge mistake and they will do anything if you take them back, so loving them makes us believe they are sincere. Counselling does work because a counsellor is qualified to guide the couple through a healthy kind of reconciliation...they can take them back in time to find the love they once had for each other. Without counselling and you take your spouse back after an affair, it usually ends in divorce anyway because when you are cheated on, it affects your very soul and you lose the trust, It doesnt matter whether you have good intentions or not....the knowledge that your spouse was with someone else is always in the back of your mind.

It does get to a point, if the infedility keeps on happening, that you do value yourself, even if you are still in love with your spouse, that you just cant live like that any more. You can't continue to come second to anyone else. It takes time to get over the loss, but with time it all comes together.

I dont think it is easy for anyone to move on like nothing happened. Maybe some people are better actors than others. Love lost is devestating for anyone. Maybe the only people who can really move on with no regrets are the ones who have gotten out of an abusive relationship whereby they feel they have gained their life back. Or the person who fell out of love with their spouse years before they actually decided to leave. But even these people need time to adjust and to come to terms with their new life.

Its a very complex and individual thing. We all deal differently, and sometimes when we find we arent dealing too well, we have to put our hand up for help. Maybe we need help in learning how to cope better, and a counsellor can help us do that.

In time, all these questions you are asking will become clear to you. When you are in the grieving process everything seems so complicated, so confusing, and you are always wondering what you could have done/not done to change the outcome...that is natural....especially for women, we seem to take things on our own backs and think we could have done something differently to make our husbands stay loyal. I went through hell because I couldnt think of anything I could have done better....he had the problem, not me, but it took me a long time to come to terms with that.

With time, you will become stronger, you will find you are a very capable woman. You will find that this experience will arm you with important information about yourself and your expectations. Everything is for a purpose, and while you cant see what the purpose is right now....with time, it will become clear to you.

I am 53, at 50, I met the love of my life. I am a much more together person than I was 10 years ago....I am strong, I am independent and I have a better, more healthy understanding of what kind of relationship I want to be in. If all the horrible things my ex husband did, didnt happen, then I wouldnt be feeling as good as I am today....I would never have met the love of my life. I am sure you would hear of thousands of similar stories and I bet all of these women/men will tell you, it took time to get there. It Will take time for you to have the confidence I have, but its a process that we all have to go through to finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.

You are probably only starting your journey up the tunnel, but as every day passes...the light will appear bigger until one day you will be surrounded in sunlight whereby you will be totally out the other end and happy to be there.

Take care.

Answer 2

It is possible a person will cheat if the relationship is going fine. I know many men that told me they were having an affair and things were perfect at home. We are always told that a counselor might be able to help, because they can look at a situation objectively and come up with ideas to make the marriage work better. I think we settle because we are afraid that we can't get anyone better. Once you reach a certain age, you feel what is the point? If a person cheats once they will usually do it again. There is no point in staying with someone like that unless you like being hurt. With all the diseases out there that can KILL you. I would get out of that relationship and never go back.

Answer 3

A. Forget the counselor if your spouse cheats on you... If he/she, is going to disrespect everything a relationship stands for for a one night fling or, an affair of any period of time, then you both are better off apart... i understand that often there are financial issues that keep a relationship together, but you are only throwing away true happiness and succumbing to the depths of despair by attempting to make a relationship work when the ideal of Truth and trust is obliterated by the enticement of lust or greed. I also think that everyone Needs to have someone to love ... there is no greater feeling then Knowing there is someone there for you all the time during good and bad times, But so many of us grab the first person that comes along because we mistake Attention, as Love... Love is all consuming and very difficult to accomplish, I feel that a good relationship will have a long period of abstinence while they let thier own feelings kindle as you truly find out what sort of person you are with. To slip into the bed to early is the worst mistake ya can make because when you are together with a person in such an intimate way there are instant Expectations and obligations present where there where none before... in short... Know what you are getting into before ya get into it. If your inteneded lover has cheated on his past love... he/she will cheat on you. If he was abusive to his past or is quick to anger with others... he will abuse you or will be just as quick to anger with you when yins become more comfortable with each other. And in the times as they are today remember it doesnt matter if you are a guy or a girl if someone just wants something from you they will say whatever you want to hear to get that... Yes women are just as bad as men in that department... oh and another quickie... If you use drugs and your intended mate uses drugs = Recipe for impending disaster (have seen it many a time, but am not a user so maybe i am just being biased against those who do lol)

Babble by Johnny...

Answer 4

Just because you decide to forgive your spouse for cheating doesn`t mean you swallow your dignity, your maintaining it. You could move on like nothing happened and be happy, but you will never forget the pain it caused, but why dwell on it? If you can forgive...... DO IT and get past it.

Answer 5

mm..
u dont have to be 2nd best- but U CHOOSE TO BE!
coucneling helps u to the extent where its a place where u get advice and guidance, what u do with it is totally up to u!it's all in ur head
if u think u deserve beign cheated on n beign 2nd then stay there..
if u dont think so - then SHOW IT! ACT UPON IT! MAKE A CHANGE! U DESERVE SO MUCH MORE!!! U probably just forgot HOW GREAT U ARE AND THAT U DO DESERVE THE BEST! change has to come form u..cheaters r cheaters forever...but u dont have to take it forever..that's the difference..

hope this helps!
big hug! men can hurt a lot..i know..
xx

ps-if u can help me too that would be great! im doing an online survey for my final year project, it's abotu peopel who r registered ot any kind of social networkign site (myspace, facebook etc..) if u can fill it in or ur frends too woudl be AMAZING! (need about 50 more answers...)

PLEASE GO HERE: http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.asp?u=600073618114

thanks so much:)

Answer 6

Look you can forgive anyone for anything but forgetting about it never, i would never forgive my husband if he ever had an affair as far as i would be concerned our relationship would be over when he said i do that meant he did promise to love honor and cherish and there was no one else standing beside us besides the JOP officiating our marriage, There is only one way i see it if he loved you he would never have been with someone else so hell no i would not forgive it would be over and there would also be no forgetting.

Answer 7

it is sooo wrong to cheat...your question has occured to us all at some time or another,,it boils down to what you want and can achieve,,.forget pride beliefs go for what you want/need but resolve WHY? love is manufactured and happens when you want...do you really want this person or are you only too willing to forgive? go for what you want and never settle