What is your favorite?

Question

Chuck Norris joke?

Answer 1

How many Chuck Norrises does it take to screw in a light bulb?



None. Chuck Norris likes to kill in the dark!

Answer 2

I have a difficult time picking one favorite movie. Most of the time it depends on my mood. Sometimes I like to just sit back, relax and turn off my brain and watch things explode in which case I might pop in a DVD like Armageddon. Other occasions might call for something that will require me to pay attention and maybe try to solve the problem like The Usual Suspects. I also enjoy epic movies like Gladiator or Hero with great stories and characters as well as huge scenes with breath taking cinematography. How about a top ten list, which at this moment for me goes like this, in no particular order:

Fight Club
The Fifth Element
Dogma
Serenity
Slap Shot
Sin City
Heist
Kill Bill, Volumes 1 & 2
Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
Man on Fire

Answer 3

How does Chuck Norris spell relief?

R-O-U-N-D-H-O-U-S-E-K-I-C-K

It's funnier when you say it. I'm laughing right now!

Answer 4

1.Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera
or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no
wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He
always makes it to Oregon before you.

3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he
grew a beard.

4. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

5. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,
but deflecting them, JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

6. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could
chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME
IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his
girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!"
Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and
laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went
deaf.

7. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul
back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of
the month.

8. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked
15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of
cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that,
Lance Armstrong.

9. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and
starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too
much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

10. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous
of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have
Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse
kick related deaths.

11. Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No fat Chicks.

12. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said,
"Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five
minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a
few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When
his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the
face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

13. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling,
"Bang!"

14. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck
Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

15. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

16. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
saying "booya".

17. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse
every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and **** on their
floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

18. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected
with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course,
to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate
of the actors he fights.

19. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If
you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my
virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

20. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from
"Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of
Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

21. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

22. Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His
have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black
belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the **** out of
viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

23. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he
can "accidentally" beat the **** out of little kids.

24. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put
razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

25. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that
Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to
death by Chuck Norris.

26. Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him
exact change.

27. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.

28. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on
Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His
reasoning? It was more "humane".

29. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck
Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

30. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who
just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris
calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks
them in the face

31. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes
only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has
not had to pay taxes ever.

32. Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before
they attack.

33. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a
stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly
after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck
Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew
once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

34. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.

35. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the
first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

36. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has
been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

37. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but
because he has run out of women.

38. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another
fist.

39. In "Way of the Dragon", Bruce Lee pulls out Chuck Norris's chest hair
by the roots. Bruce Lee is dead.

40. Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I
mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

41. Chuck Norris flew back in time using a secret technique taught to him by
Bruce Lee. There he roundhouse kicked Leonardo da Vinci and stole his plans
to a machine Leonardo has been working on his whole life.
That machine was the total gym.

42. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

41. Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

43. Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was
removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse
kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris
replied, "That's no glitch."

44. Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if
your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been
known to last for up to 15 days.

45. Chuck Norris ate a rubiks cube and pooped it out solved.

46. Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck
Norris can kill him and take it.

47. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke
the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart
while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

48. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related
deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

49. Chuck Norris does not have your normal human-style, male nipples. He
has a Dodge Ram hood ornament on each pec, and both rams blow smoke
out of their noses each and every time he pumps Christy Brinkley.

50. Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is
actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the
face that day.

51. The roundhouse kick has been proven to be more deady than kryptonite.
The Death of Superman? Yeah, that was from Chuck Norris.

52. Chuck Norris, when clean-shaven, radiates the heat of three suns.

53. Chuck Norris is the only one ever in history to stare Medusa straight
in the eyes and not be turned to stone. The result was Roseanne Bar.

54. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for
handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, a warning that the
spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park
there.


55. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the
probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

56. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for
Chuck Norris.

57. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't
you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured
this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw,
was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris

58. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

59. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

60. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

61. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the
best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst
mistake anyone has ever made.

62. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck
Norris

63. Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is
afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

64. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry,
the man ate a ******* Indian.

65. If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the **** down.

66. As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in
the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972
Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football
history.

67. Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win
the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out
of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green ..4 card
from the game UNO.

68. Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his
own.

69. According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually
roundhouse kick you yesterday.

*70. Chuck Norris is the only man that can get another man pregnant.

71. Chuck Norris ended the last Ice Age with one large explosive flatulence.
He has since been cited by several scientists to be the leading cause of
Global Warming.

*72. Chuck Norris once had a cough; it caused the extinction of the
dinosaurs.

*73. Chuck Norris ate Mike Tyson's children.

*74. There were originally 11 commandments, but Chuck Norris didn't like the
last one.

*75. The Hulk turns back into Bruce Banner when he sees Chuck Norris.

*76. God did not orginally create man with facial hair, Chuck Norris simply
willed it.

*77. The Hulk is one of Chuck Norris's boogers.

*78. Chuck Norris is sitting on a couch with a girl. She says "lets go have
a little fun if ya know what I mean". He says, all right, whats your
favorite position? She says, surprise me..He roundhouse kicks her in the
face and she hits the floor unconscious. Chuck says, Spread Eagle.

79. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

80. Anacondas aren't actually snakes but are in fact Chuck Norris sperm
cells

81. Chuck Norris eats fear and craps golden statues of himself

82. The reason Zeus and Odin both have beards is because they are both
indeed Chuck Norris

83. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the dodo into extinction

84. When asked about the missing nose of the sphinx Chuck Norris replied "My
roundhouse kicks do good work"

85. Chuck Norris once had a hemorrhoid. These two words got rid of it :
Roundhouse and kick

86. Chuck Norris has molten lead instead of normal blood