My fiance broke up with me, but said he would like to remain friends. He helped raise my older son and we have a 7 month old baby. We had been separated physically since December (I stayed with my mom and he stayed with a friend) while we renovated a house so we could buy it.
The house is almost finished, and he called last week to say he wanted to break off the relationship. It was for "personal reasons" & that he had wanted to break up for the past 3 years (had been together for 4). I feel stabbed in the back & he never mentioned having serious problems with me after giving me a ring & asking me to stop my birth control to have a baby. I feel as though something may have happened during the separation, but I don't know & he claimed nothing has happened with another woman, so I left it at that.
After being dumped this way, I don't want to be friends with him. I'm bitter, hurt & depressed, so I want no contact. He can be a father to the kids, but I can't speak or see him.
2007-04-08 09:02:57 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
He has put the house in my name & is trying to do right financially, but he's hurt that I don't want any contact with him. I'd rather do everything through a third party & let him see the kids without me present. Am I being childish? I can take an honest answer. Thanks for reading.
2007-04-08 09:04:54 · update #1
I have no problem with letting him see the kids everyday if he wants, & I can be polite and cordial. But he still wants to be able to have conversations, come over & visit me, basically "hang out". I can't do much more than be polite & let him have his own time with them.
2007-04-08 09:21:47 · update #2
No, being childish would be using the kids as pawns and not letting him see them at all. I think you are still in shock. To him, since he initiated the break, he's been in the mind frame of a break up for longer than you. To you it's still new and a shock and you feel betrayed. Give yourself time and it's okay if you don't want to see him right now, but do let the kids see him because that is the right thing to do and your kids need to have a relationship with both parents.
2007-04-08 09:09:12 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yes, you're being childish. AND...there WAS no committment on his part. Yeah, he gave you a ring, and yeah, he said he WANTED to. BIG difference between wanting to and actually doing it.
You have 1 child together (again, why you get married BEFORE having children) and your older child considers him a father figure. You do everything in your power to be polite to him, and remain friends. The MINUTE you got pregnant and decided to keep that baby, you bound your life with his until the day you die. You guys will have to share your child's major life events together, things such as high school graduations, weddings, you'll even have mutual grandchildren, you don't have to be the best of friends here, but you do have to be polite and kind to each other always for your children's sakes. You are going to HAVE to see him, and you're going to have to speak to him. It will be MUCH easier on your children if you do this. Get counseling if you need to, so that you guys can work through this.
Next time, wait for the wedding ring before deciding to bring another life into this world.
2007-04-08 09:11:45 · answer #2 · answered by basketcase88 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
All your feelings are normal and I don't blame you for not wanting to see him. You have to go through a grieving process and get over the shock of what he has done and how it is changing your whole life. He does deserve to see at least the baby, maybe both kids, but go through a third party until things calm down and you get control of your life again. I'm sorry this happened to you. What he did was terrible.
2007-04-08 09:16:58 · answer #3 · answered by Annie 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yes it is better but, if a couple splits and they can't get along no matter how hard they try then why fake like your friends for the kids sake? When they get older they will catch on that it is all an act. You will only make yourself miserable faking a friendship when there is not even that between the two of you.
2007-04-08 09:50:31 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You are being hurt, not childish... and you have everyright to feel the way you do. Talking bad about him, yelling, screaming... these are childish. Even in the letter, you have not bashed him, but made factual statements of the situation, it sounds like your hurt, but your getting through all this. If it's easier for you to heal without him around, then asking him not to come around is a very smart decision. I have been divorced over a year now, seperated for over 2.5 years, me and my ex- talk about 2-3 times a month. We have a very solid routine in which I get out daughter; and although I would not consider us enemies, we definitely aren't freinds. I attent about 2-3 events for my daughter a year, in which I am in her presence. I have no hard feelings towards her at all, but i prefer to keep my life private and seperate from people who have decided they no longer want to be apart of it. It's not childish, it's what works for you, and you are the only one you have to answer too.
2007-04-08 09:26:25 · answer #5 · answered by ~MB~ 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Ouch. that sounds like it really hurt alot.
OK--here is the double edged sword...
You decided to get off of birth control before you were married. Bad choice. However, it looks like it has the possibility of being good.
He is trying to do right by putting the home in your name and still have to do with teh chidl he didnt father, but did help raise.
It hurts. Yes. However, since he is the father figure for your older son AND he will be involved in your life becuase of teh younger child, you really should try to be friends.
Who knows... maybe he got cold feet... maybe being friends is what he needs...
Either way... they cost of being a parent is to sometimes hurt for your chidl's good. You have two children that deserve a father figure. He seems like he is a decent guy. Give him and the chidlren what they need, wnat, & deserve.
Good luck. I can only imagine how painful the next few months will be for you. However, in the long run, it really is the best way to go.
2007-04-08 10:43:22 · answer #6 · answered by Jennifer Anne 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Well the hurt goes away after a wile. I cant say that i blame you and i really cant see his point if its over then its over . You really don't need him hanging around if your looking for a new love that just makes another guy avoid you if you happen to find a guy .I know i hate going out with woman that wants me to meat there ex as soon as i do i feel guilty because i feel that guys still wanting her so i end it .After all he was there before me and i hate stepping on toes .Its ok if they come to pick up the kids but i don't want to hang with them
2007-04-08 09:19:46 · answer #7 · answered by dad 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You are not being childish. In my estimation your reaction is perfectly understandable and natural and an indication that you had developed a genuine attachment to him. As for the children, it sounds to me like you are being very mature in not trying to keep the children from seeing him, even though you don't want to be there. With time your painful feelings should ease and you may well find that you then do want to be friends with him.
2007-04-08 09:12:57 · answer #8 · answered by xxxx 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You don't have to be friends, but being on speaking terms and treating one another with respect is something you should strive for. It is understandable that you would be hurt but you need to grow up and get past that. Your an adult (at least by virture of having children) and you need to act like one.
2007-04-08 09:07:48 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, the one kid is his as far as the other one, he seems old enough to make his own choice. Just try to have something planned when he wants to spend time with the kids, that way its, "ok, well later boys, I'll see you tomorrow, but I gotta be going now"... no time for him to hang around and torture you, ya know... good luck
2007-04-08 09:11:00 · answer #10 · answered by all unknowing 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋