14 year marriage gone like that why?

Question

3 years ago i was leaving my wife for many reasons one was not sure if i loved her any more. I was also talking to another women without her knowing. About 3 weeks after i left her i realized that i liked my life and loved her very much.someone that new about the phone calls to the other women told her in a letter at chrismas. Know she asked me to leave and I have. Sents then we have had many converstions about it. The only thing that i don't get is yes i was talking to another women but i did not sleep with her and i think i made the right decission and went back home to her before i did anything i would be sorry for and could not change. It has been 10 weeks now and she does not want to get back together and she is throwing it all away. Ours dreams everything and i can't do anything to change her mine or to stop it. The part the kills me is i thought i made the right choice at the time. Now the house is going up for sale and i find my self lost at what to do.

Answer 1

This is such an unfortunate situation and I'm sorry that any of you have to go through it.
When you two got back together that first time, how was your relationship? Was it stronger? Was it the same?
What were your reasons for leaving her? Have you resolved these since? Did you two go to counseling?
There are many questions here that can all help in understanding more about your relationship and what went wrong. Have you talked to her about how much you want to stay with her? Have you told her that you didn't sleep with the other woman? Have you apologized?
Do a lot of thinking and try to talk with her. You were together for quite a while and should have a good communication. If not, there might be your problem. But just speak with her about what you two have together. Try bringing up old happy memories together and just how sorry you truly are for what happened, but that you are willing to do whatever it takes (within reason) to repair the marriage and work together.
If it's true love, it will work out. My parents split after 15 years when my mom secretly dated a guy online for six months before my sister and I found out. We had to keep it a secret from my dad for another month. It was a heartbreaking and frankly, scarring time for me. However my dad was strong and he didnt give up on love so easily. And in six more months, my parents were back together and have been since. That was 11 or so years ago. They're happier now than ever. Good luck, sincerely!

Answer 2

I'm sorry. My ex was having sex with other men while I was at work, and that started after 19 years of marriage. You behavior was improper in that you left her. You wife has no trust for you, but it might change if you can get her into couples counseling with a licensed marriage counselor, even if you two were to go separately to see that therapist.

If your wife is unwilling to change her mind, she might actually have no grounds for a divorce.Check with a lawyer.

Just be respectful to her and express what I;ve told you.

. It might change over time with a therapist, but chances of it getting together again without intervention by a pro are slim and none.

Do not even think you are innocent. You could have explored your feelings in therapy, but chose to go with some imaginably feelings towards some one else.

I really wish you a lot of luck. Meanwhile, read Rebuilding, How to Be Your Own Best Freons, etc. these are good books.Creative Divorce is another, along with the Divorce Handbook.

BTW: She; can't sell so easily without your agreeing to sell the house.
If the house goes, so be it. People have little or no resources and find happiness. You must seek the beauty inside you, find your truths and lead an exemplary life

Sorry that you wife is so unforgiving, inasmuch as you say you did not cheat. You wife is unbending and nothing nor anyone will make her happy, which is sad. She might actually be doing you a favor, but feelings of abandonment cloiud the issues.

Answer 3

I don't really know anything that you can do. You can't make someone change her mind, only she can change it. I can tell you that even though you didn't sleep with the other woman and returned to your wife, she is still feeling betrayed. You still had thoughts about it and considered leaving her for another woman. When you left the first time, she thought that it was her fault, as if she did something to make you not love her anymore. Then she finds out that it was another woman who made you want to leave and question your feelings for her. She is probably very angry that you made her feel that way. Maybe in time she will forgive you, but it really sounds like right now she is not in the frame of mind to work things out. Sorry that you are both hurting (and trust me, she is hurting). I hope you can both get through this and be happy someday (together or apart).

Answer 4

You need to find out why she no longer wants to work on the relationship. You need to ask her if she will consider seeing a marriage counselor....or if she just feels that it is just over, and it is not worth working on any longer.

Here is a little insight to women. We are "feeling" type creatures and you men are mostly "visual". When a woman has been cheated on by her husband that they both made vows to....well you broke yours and you hurt her deeply, and you destroyed a part of her heart. Right now she cannot trust you, and will take a very long time b4 she is ever able to trust anyone including you.....we all have the ability to forgive.....but we cannot forget. Also, being that you basically left her for another woman that you were "talking to"....you still left for this other woman, you did not tell her that is why you left.....so to her you lied, and if you lied about that then you would lie about sleeping with her. You just need to see if she would possibly see a marriage counselor with you. But, if she wants out of the marriage, then I am afraid that this is the price you are going to have to pay. You hurt someone who loved and trusted you, and it is difficult to get that back. I wish you luck

Answer 5

Love has a short memory.

It sounds like both you and your wife have mixed feelings about the relationship. The reason I include you is due to the fact that you had not been sure you loved her any more. Now you want to return but her hurt cannot be assuaged that easily. You might want to do some soul searching and look at what was missing in the first place which caused you to seek another, even though it never progressed to a physical level.

Being a hopeless romantic, though, I believe that if the love is truly there between you, it can be worked through. Romance works wonders - especially a serenade with a string quartet outside her window at midnight followed by lots of candles, roses, compliments and staring deeply into her eyes...lol

good luck

Answer 6

The loss of a marriage is hard no matter how many years. I am going through it after 30 years and it has been 2 years since the separation not divorced yet but it still hasn't gotten any easier and it has been this long. I wish you luck with trying to change her mind, but sometimes we are so hurt when the one person we trusted with out lives, disappoints us and we don't want to let it happen again. Even if you didn't sleep with the other woman you were still cheating because it was something you were doing behind your wife's back.

Answer 7

Honestly, this may not be what you want to hear, but I don't blame your wife. EVEN though your relationship with this other woman went no further than simply talking, this talking played a part in you leaving your wife. And you did not tell her the truth once you returned, which probably makes her think that something more than talking took place.

I agree, if you love your wife, than you made the correct decision in not sleeping with the other woman - and returning home to your wife. You wife most likely feels that she can no longer trust you. In her opinion, the 14 years of marriage were not thrown away by her - but by you.

I am not sure what you can do to change her mind, but continue to support her and show her that you are trustworthy and still invested in your relationship. But you should also consider the possibility that she might be unwilling to give you another chance, to give your relationship another chance. In that circumstance, there might not be anything you can do to change her mind.

I truly wish you the best of luck, and I apologize if this is not the advice you wanted to hear.

Answer 8

This is all about you.
If you still love her blue, throw away your ego, meet her face to face and tell her how sorry you are, how much really you love her, how messy your life without her, how can you live without her and begging hard for her forgiveness.Let alls out sincerely from your guilty heart and some good tears [ cry ] should melt down her cold freeze heart.Take this as a challenge to win her heart back.A wife actually always be the very best for a man that why you married her.Please used the good-mind side whenever conflict occured coz satan can't persuade whenever someone think wise.You better do its fast before its really last.May GOD help you out.Ameen.

Answer 9

You know you started this and some how you thought that you could do what you wanted with out thought for what she felt and now you have to respect her decision just as much as you wanted her to respect yours. It is very hard to regain that trust once it is violated because there is usually a thought process behind people actions before thye do it unless there is some psychosis that prevents them from having impulse control.
After years of a bad marriage in which I endeared complaint after complaint as if he was doing me a favor, I fasted and then when God gave me the o.k to get out I have not looked back. I found out later that the man was just trying to maintian control by keeping the offence on full throttle. Well he was released after that got old after a while.
One thing you should know is that a woman takes a lot and continues in the relationship, but when she has decided in her heart of hearts that there is nothing more she can do, it is very hard to change her mind when she lets the relationship go.My ex realized too late that he took things too far. He will never get what he had with me and another man will get the same love and commitment that he did not appreciate because I am not bitter towards men.
I seems the divorce is not final yet and if you still have a chance you need to try it no matter what it takes from your manly pride-good women are very hard to find.
If I were to offer you advice, it would be to send that lady flowers, tell her everyday tha you love her and that you would spend the rest of your life making up for that foolish thing you did. What ever it is that you need to do to prove to her that you will never do such a foolish thing again she need but name it and you will do it. She is the love of your life and ther is no other-tell her how foolish you were and you want her and need to hear her heart beat every day and your love for her will not end until your heart ceases to beat! Ask her to please marry you again as you recommit your life to the queen of your life.
Remember with women it is the emotional part of the affair that really gets us, you do not realize how bitter you can be toward the wife when you are emotionally attached to another woman. It is painful and you are feeling your wifes pain now! Admit your wrong and do not try to tell her how she should feel :you will never get back with her if you do that!
Good luck. Did you get counseling?

"Now That’s Love"

I know what love is like:
Truly loving someone is giving them the freedom to love you or not
Truly loving yourself is choosing to be someone who uses that freedom to love you
Yea, now that’s love
June 19, 2006 by Arene
Copyrighted

Answer 10

Because you have broken her trust and she can't get past the hurt. Tell her how you really feel and ask her to at least try marriage counseling with you. You don't say if, children are involved. If so, the two of you need to at least try to work things out for the children's sake. Leaving her made her feel abandoned and her friend rubbing it in her face made her feel like a fool. So... it is going to take a lot for mending. Did you ever bother to tell her how you'd decided that you liked your life and loved her very much. This is something that she obviously needed to hear and BELIEVE. Try to convince her to consider counseling, if the two of you can work through this, perhaps you will learn some useful skills and straighten your marriage in the end. If she won't listen print out you e-mail w/this answer and give it to her in a card expressing your love.
p.s there is a country song that is about a man in a similar position, it's called "Happy Birthday Darling" . Perhaps you should consider playing it for her and truly meaning the words to that song.