Future Mother in Law Trouble.... ?? Please...give advice =\?

Question

His mother is a nice woman. But here is the problem...
We are buying a house in nyc which is of course expensive... And I've been out of state for awhile, and me and my fiance are looking to buy our home... There are 2 major "problems" here...
1) he wants to buy one with his mother, have us live in the basement (paying the equal amount she pays for the house), and "save up" for our future house. Am i wrong in not wanting to do this? Yes things may be a bit harder $$ wise the other way, but, don't isnt that normal?
2) now i am still out of state. today he went home after seeing the house, and spent hours talking 2 his mother about the houses... When we talked, however, he had very little to say and seemed very upset; yet wont say why!?...
Am i wrong in feeling second to her? Moreover, am i wrong in feeling that me and his future should be top priority... not me, him and his mom??
ugh please send any advice. I'm very unsure...of what to do?
Thanks in advance!

Answer 1

I find this to be a difficult way to start out a marriage. I would suggest to you that maybe both of you need to continue working until you have enough money saved up to purchase the house you want without have to share it with your mother in law. Yes this will require you to put your marriage off for a while, but I just feel that both of you should be financially stable prior to getting married, plus you also need to have your own stash of money just for yourself....just put some away in a separate savings acct. or something. It will be a very strange situation should something happen between you and your husband...I mean if all 3 of you are going to sign, then if something were to happen they can buy your share of the house, but if it all in her name, and you are sharing paying the mortgage.....then you guys will not show any type of credit on this purchase, and if you and his mother at some point don't get along...she can kick you out. I just don't think it is a good way to start a marriage....not living with someones parents...you need to be able to stand on your own 2 feet, and not live in some basement. There may come a time later in both your lives when one of your parents may have to come live with you....well later is fine.....but not starting out.

Answer 2

1) You are definitely NOT wrong about this. The last thing newlyweds need is their mom around 24/7. This is just a very bad idea. And yes, it is very normal when you first get married to have little money. A lot of newlyweds put everything on credit, or have already finished college, so they have a lot, but can either afford it or are really in debt over their heads. Don't you remember the stories our parents told us about having nothing? You start out with little, appreciate what you have, and work up from there.
2) And you have every right to feel neglected about this too. It really doesn't sound like it's his mom that's the issue, it may be him. (granted I don't know him or his mom, or the details of everything.) He should not be talking to her, he should be talking to you. You need to have a long calm talk with him about all this. If this is how things are now, can you imagine what they're going to be after you're married and living with his mom? Let him know that he's buying a house with YOU, not his mom. And if he can't understand why you don't feel comfortable living in his mom's basement, then maybe you should look into premarital counseling. (most states require it anyway) I know it may sound drastic, but this could turn into a very big, very ugly problem, VERY soon.
Good luck hun and I hope everything turns out for the best!

Answer 3

Do not buy a house with his mother. Do not live in a basement. Bad idea all the way around. I am not taking sides here, but this one is too far out not to stick my nose into it. It will end your marriage in time if you follow this course, and it may already have ended because anything you do to say no will be taken badly by mamma, and your husband is more responsive to mamma than to you. Sorry you are in this mess. And it is a mess that will get worse. I think the only way out of it is NOT to move to NYC...find another job far, far away. Good luck

Answer 4

Mommy's boy...run and fast.

You are not wrong, the last thing you want is to be living in the same block as your mother in law, let alone the same house. This has "disaster" written all over it. Doesn't matter how nice she is, you don't want her in your decisions and it will happen.

This is your future you are currently seeing, learn from it. He is what he is and you can't change that. Don't even try, as you have already seen he will not do it. He won't get better over time, only worse. If you don't like this idea, then don't marry him. This is the time, not after you married. If you go ahead, don't complain as you knew in advance and signed up anyway.

Run girl, run.

Answer 5

Great list, I am not a MIL but a soon to be DIL. My FMIL has done everything the exact opposite of your list. She has actually called me a B**** to my fiance! Needless to say our relationship is not good and anytime I went to see her was purely out of obligation. My FSMIL (Future Step-Mother-In-Law that is haha) on the other hand is AMAZING I really do love her like she were my own family and my FFIL too. The four of us get along so well my fiance and I always make sure that we visit. Sometimes we'll go over just to play a couple rounds of a board game or watch a movie. FSMIL always gets invited out with my family when we do women's outings. Actually his fathers side of the family and my family have blended pretty much seamlessly, it's terrific. The biggest reason behind all of this is FMIL tried to control our lives and we got to the point where we decided our relationship would not work if we were living for someone else. We decided to live for ourselves and our relationship is a million times better for it. His father's family and my family don't try to control us and we love to spend time with them. I think you should add that to your list, don't be controlling

Answer 6

Wow this sounds SO familiar. Its all about boundaries and it seems that there arent many when it comes to the relationship between him and his mom. Just remember this..it will only get worse when you get there. I am speaking from experience. You are not wrong for not wanting to bind yourself financially to his mother. It would turn into a "two many cooks in the kitchen" situation with the two main women in his life essentially sharing a roof together. I think you are smart to not want this and he should be made aware of your concerns. You should also have an equal voice in this situation. It sounds like he may value her decision making ability more than yours. Be careful!

Answer 7

oh mmy gosh this is such a hrd situation maybee try to find a cheap house close by, this way you live near you mother in law but you have your own privacy. This however could cause the money issue with not having enough now or for latter. Maybe living with her would be good in a way this way you get to find out more about her, what is bothering your fiance. Once you have enough money saved up you can buy your own home which can give you an incintive to save quicker....to get out of there. :P

Answer 8

Darling you feel what you feel. If you are getting this bad feeling before the wedding take it as that God given thing called intuition and maybe let him be with someone who can tolerate that mother of his still being connected at the cord.
I think you will always be second fiddle. Your feelings are not wrong-so own them and allow that guy to own his and his mother to own hers. Realize that you will be punished for the rest of your life if he and mommy do not get their way and you will always second guess yourself if you give in to their request. Listen to your guts and perhaps he is not for you. Seek counseling and decide from there. It will save you much heartache in the end and a lengthy and costly divorce!
I would say to him" Darling, I do not want you to be upset with me over the decision that you and your mother made and I definitely do not want you to be unhappy for the rest of your life. I love you too much for that, so I am letting you go and I hope and wish the best for you."
Dust yourself off and then move on. Life is too short-visit the nursing homes and spend time with the elderly to help with the pain you will feel is you decide to have a short term unhappy feeling by letting him go as opposed to the long term one of keeping him.
Get premarital counseling for yourself-it is worth it!
P.S. Not from his mother,but a professional (smile).
Now That’s Love

I know what love is like:
Truly loving someone is giving them the freedom to love you or not
Truly loving yourself is choosing to be someone who uses that freedom to love you
Yea, now that’s love
June 19, 2006 by Arene
Copyrighted

Answer 9

Living in your mother-en laws basement is not a good way to start a new life if you and him have a fight and you will, his mother can hear everything you fight about and she Will take his side ever time!!NOW you need to tell him you don't wont to live with him mother its the same as RENTING how can you save any money?

Answer 10

Oh girl you are not wrong at all for thinking any of those. When you get married you leave your family and become your own family. My husband did the same thing and we have been married for about 4 years and I find myself still telling him, you married me not your mom if you want to put her first go home and live with her. With him it isn't that he is meaning to he just wants whats best for her and doesn't stop to think that is may not be whats best for our family. It isn't wrong at all not wanting her to live with you and if that does happen it may cause bad blood, I know of many relationships that have been messed up by moving in with an overbearing in-law. Good luck with everything.