How do I continue to keep my sanity when my Husbands exwife still lives and participates in all family things.

Question

The entire family still treats the ex-wife like she is a daughter and encourages her to attend and participate in all family functions. We spend all our holidays with his grandparents and she lives there and spends her holidays with them as well. Everything the kids get has to be split between the parents because she is always there and no one other than me seems to see a problem with all of this. I do not share my time, holidays, parties for kids with my ex-husband and this is expected. Am I the crazy one for wanting to be the only wife at the family affairs. The ex-wife is very loud, out spoken and has been with the family for over 5 years and ensures she is the center of attention when they are all together. I am reserved and quiet and do not crave the center of attention attraction therefore I do not jump in the middle of every conversation that is taking place. I feel very uncomfortable at the family functions because she is there and even dread the idea of being there.

Answer 1

it sounds like you are getting a bad treatment by your husbands family. I know you are upset and a little jealous but don't let her ruin your marriage. If your husband is not seeing any problem with his ex wife then you are indeed going to have a lot of unpleasant days and nights as it looks like she is not going away and has found herself a niche in your in laws family.

your only plan of success is to go to a counselor with or without your husband and get a professional to listen to your concerns. You need an outside person who has no axes to grind and is impartial. This has got to be with a counselor you trust and have faith in them.
Only then will you find out what to do and how to do it...if you lash out against the ex wife you will be considered a jealous wife but if you have an advisory who advises a certain plan of action then you will have more chance of changing your situation.
It sounds like you do not have anyone you can go to..so this would help you sort out your problems..good luck..its not easy to play second fiddle to anyone.

Answer 2

Does your husband no how you feel? Can't you spend holidays with your family? Or can't you choice not to attend? If this bothers you so much you need to talk to your husband about some changes. She may be very loud and boisterous because she feels uncomfortable around you. Make some suggestions if she wants to spend time with the children fine you and your husband will be willing to drop the children off and she can have time with them and then she needs to go visit her family or friends over the dinner hour and come back after you've all left. I see it as being healthy for the children to see the family still getting along with her and especially the father. It shows them that even thou mom and dad couldn't live together that they still are friends.

Answer 3

You as the now wife need to sit down and have a
chat with your husband about the situation and let
him know what you do not like about it. You have
the right to ask him to pay more attention to you
and less activities with his ex-wife. Yes kids are in-
volved and your husband should take charge and
control the situation as he is the man of the house
and if he truly loves you and sees that you are not
happy , he, not you should make changes. If he
still seems to want to do things all the time with
his ex then stop attending all the time and if you
see that he and his ex and his children seem to be
still doing activities togeather more than with you
then I hate to say if you want happiness in your
life you may need to think about seperation to
make him aware more of the situation and if you
are still un-happy then you need to decide what is
best for you and move forward on your happiness.
It's not easy because you love your husband but
it's not easy because you are also un.happy. You
deserve to be happy in life just like everyone else
and if it takes you taking the steps to be then
do what you need to do. However if you con-
tinue accepting the situation the way it is now then
you will find yourself un-happy all the time.
Good luck.

Answer 4

The family, especially if they had children together, should not have to choose between you and the ex-wife. They should not have to 'not' love her just because she and your husband are divorced. As long as she is civil and does not undermine you, there is no reason to be jealous. It is not the ex-wife's problem if you have an issue with your personality differences (e.g. she's an extrovert and you're an introvert). It doesn't make her worse than you, it just makes her different. It was your choice to marry your husband. Why expect things to change if they were this way before he married you?

Answer 5

this is ODD!

but, i guess it happens.

as long as you and your husband have a good relationship, that is what matters first and foremost. i think it's weird, too, though -- so you're not alone.

since she is loud and obnoxious and gets on your nerves, perhaps you could consider spending less time at the grandparents' house for holiday gatherings....

meanwhile, didn't you know this was "the arrangement" BEFORE you married your husband? if so, it was probably something you needed to accept or reject a while ago....

take care of YOU... try not to let the ex run your emotions, hun... hopefully the ex wife will run off and get married one of these days, and you'll be done with her...

hugz

Answer 6

I don't see anything wrong with an ex still being involved with the family she married into, especially if there are kids involved. This sort of amiable divorce is a lot healthier than the usual hate-filled variety.
I think this has WAY more to do with oyur own insecurity than the ex-wife. So, examine why. Do you think you might lose your husband? Do you trust him?
Or does it have more to do with you? It sounds to me like you envy her personality a bit, because she is the center of attention and expresses herself while you fade into the background.
I completely understand how this could really bother you. It would bother me too. But its better for the kids that their mom is freindly with their dad's family. So you are going to have to deal with that. And the only way to do so is to get to the root of your insecurity(be honest with yourself) and deal with it.
Who knows? Maybe you and her can become friends.

Answer 7

It is not the exwifes place anymore. Your husband needs to let this family know that it is his wishes not yours. He should take the lead in it. They need to choose either her or him. If she is ivited to any further family functions he needs to tell them he and you will not be there! It is one thing if the family is desreet about seeing her and keeping it to themselves. ......But family functions are another...........she is not family anymore you are! They are all being very disrespectfull and I would choose to not go around any of them and i wouldn't care what any of them thought. This is your husbands problem and he could have made it clear to evrtyone of them in the beginng. Why didn't he? Maybe he likes her there...........maybe he should have stayed married to her. the ex wife must think she is special.........after all they all treat her like she is. She is an idiot! Make your husband call her on the phone in front of you............Have him tell her that you don't want problems with your family and could she kindly the next time she is invited to bow out gracefully. If she tells any member of this family about it. She is a *****!

Answer 8

What does your husband say about this arrangement? I do know that for a few months, my husband x would still show up at his parents home for dinners, but this was only for a few months so that the children could adjust. She would skip a few times so that they would get use to her not being there and then she just stopped coming altogether. There are still family gatherings, but they are mostly for the grandchildren and we all get together and I have no problem with it. The family still loves and cares about her just as they do me, but there did come a time when she did stop coming. the x and i are friends. I would suggest that you speak to your husband about this and let him talk with his family.....but so that you do not look bad in their eyes....he needs to tell them that HE would appreciate it if they would stop inviting her to all the events that take place, that he just feels awkward with her being there. But he need to take the blame for it, or you will look bad to his family, and they will resent you.

Answer 9

WHAT??? Why in the world is she living at the grandparents house? Is it because she dosnt want to leave the family scene??I give you alot of applaudes for doing that..No way in hell would I be attending my husbands families party's wuith the ex (much less living there)...Is she just irresponsible???Where are the kids again?Does your husband go to the grandparents alone??? I dont know that is soooo crazy I couldnt....You need to sit your husband down and talk....

Best Wishes~

Answer 10

While it's unusual for the ex to still be included to that extent it's not unheard of. I can understand your concerns, but I'd say that unless she and your husband start behaving inappropriately between the two of them you have nothing to worry about.

The fact that his family still includes her is a sign that their divorce was not an ugly, bitter one and she's still part of the lives of her children. Try to relax, and join in any conversation that you feel you can contribute to. You don't have to be the center of attention, just participate.

Good luck.