what to do about my step son?

Question

he is 14 yo and i have been his mom since he was 2yo. i love him alot but im starting to NOT like him very much. he is a smart mouth galore,half a--es everything, sloppy and wants all the best but dont take care of anything nor does he appreciate a thing.... im at my witts end. i get tired of fighting with him and telling him the same thing over and over.i my self never had children but i,ve thought about leaving numerous times just because he,s there. however, i adore my husband. we,ve known each other since we were 18yo. we talk about the family problems and i would NEVER say ( i dont want the kid here) but i am miserable!!!!! HELP!!!

his mom still sees him and is a part of his life. we,ve had full custody now for 3 years.

Answer 1

Spend more time with him, try to understand him. He's probably a normal 14 year old, but is more likely to respect and do what you want to please you if he feels understood and heard by you.
Being a man myself, I am more likely to do something for a woman; if I know how it makes her feel.
Apparently your saying the samething over and over and not being heard, say it differently. Let him know how you view it. It''s not that he doesn't take care of the stuff you buy, it's the fact that you feel like you work hard to provide for him. And when he doesn't take care of the stuff you provide, it's like a slap in the face. It's how you feel, and it makes you not want to continue.
When he leaves a mess for others, he's being inconsiderate, (i'm sure he's not as concious of it as you think- remember I am a man)
You are seeing how we come out of the box, assembly is required. It's going to take alot of training and serious talks of the way both of you view your household interactions. Fighting will not work, and you giving into frustratuion will eventually pit you against your husband. Be rational.. living with women, I know that can be tough at times. No offense, but your more of an emotional being, it takes along time for boys/men to understand your beautiful nature's.
If you don't succeed, his first years of marraige will be very, very tough... I garauntee his wife won't put up with that sh*t.

Answer 2

Time for you and your husband to do some tough love, the nice kind. First of all, all privileges GONE, and he earns them back. That means no video games, consoles, MP3/IPOD, CD player, computer play (for other than schoolwork), TV, etc. Nothing. No visits with friends, no going to the mall or local hangout, etc. He MUST keep his room clean - give him a week or 10 days, depending on the mess, and tell him what isn't cleaned up and put away properly will go to charity. Make your rules and expectations clear - make a chart like you would a little six year old and make sure he understands everything on it. He needs structure and positive reinforcement as his discipline and you and your husband are going to have to work really hard to straighten him out. However, in about three months you are going to see a new teen! He must be responsible for his schoolwork, and for helping around the house with chores - for which he doesn't get an allowance, because everyone should be helping around the house to help the family. Allowance is separate, every kid needs walking around money.
Gosh, I could write a book. We had to do this for my son at a younger age, and even had to go so far as not letting him eat meals with us, but I would fill a plate and take it to his room and he had to sit on the floor and eat there, alone. That's finally what did him in, not being able to be with us - feeling separate - but he didn't tell me that for years later.
Good luck.
Watch Supernanny - what she does for the younger kids will work for a 14 year old, with modifications. The smart mouth has to be fixed first, that's rude and disrespectful.

Answer 3

This is perfectly normal behavior from a 14 year old.

He will grow out of it about the time he moves out on his own then he will realize he should have listened a little more.

It is just a part of parenting.

My son is now 22 years old when he was asking for things that were expensive, we made him earn the money to purchase it. He did Chores around the house, mowed lawns and helped neighbors out.

There really is nothing you can do about the mouth, out side of don't do any thing for him unless he can talk to you decently. No rides to a friends house, to the mall, nothing. He is 14 and is capable of feeding himself so let him. he can do his own laundry or wear dirty clothes.

Make him redo the things he does not do properly. He will get tired of doing the same thing 10 times and start doing it right the first time.

That is what I did with my son and if you think he will hate you well he wont. Mine has been out of the house and on his own since he was 18 years old paying all of his own bills. He comes here after work and hangs out every day. I actually wish at times he would just go home. lol

Things just have to go through their natural order It will get worse before it gets better. But believe me it will get better.

Answer 4

Start setting limits. He's old enough that you can't force him to do much, but you can apply consequences. When he behaves properly and respectfully, treat him like an adult, appreciate him, take him places, say that you are honored to know him and be his step mom. Even if it is a very small thing that he does, encourage it.
When he is disrespectful, do not get emotionally engaged in it. Walk away from mouthing off, saying "I can't talk to you right now, this hurts my feelings." Say it gently and factually. When he doesn't do something as asked, don't nag, criticize or complain, ask again. Try to avoid or ignore all attempts to draw you into an argument or a complaint. If you get ignored, set a consequence, and make it clear. Say that you will not be driving him to "X' place until he has completed the task. Say that you will not be making him dinner tonight because he has been trating you with disrespect. Show him where the bread is.
Most of all, treat him as if you expect and hope he will comply. That is not done in words, but in tone of voice (soft, patient, matter of fact, expecting and giving respect). Kids usually rise up to the level of how they are treated. You know he doesn't do right, but treat him as if you are surprised and as if these times are rare. People do much better when they are rewarded for good behavior.

Answer 5

Dear Tracy:
I would say give him a swift smack on the face next time he smarts off to you. People forget that hitting kids does NOT have to be ABUSE, but a reminder as to who is in CHARGE. Most of us (as in adults) we're ALL spanked/smacked to some extent when we were kids, and most of us got away unscathed.
Where's your hubby in all this? Have him put HIS foot down & see if that doesnt help. Take away all his priviledges: video games, outdoor time, etc. Tell him he'll get treated like an adult & get all the things he wants when he starts being responsible like one. Don' sink to screaming or yelling; that only brings you down to his level; take the high road! Tell him if he wants all these privledges, the best of everything, then he's going to have to do what all the other "adults" in the house do; manage his own mess, do his own laundry, & speak a little more respectively to those people who PROVIDE him w/ all those comforts he takes for granted. If he says no, then ask him why you shouldnt just junk everything he holds precious? Why should you show him respect, when he gives you none? Explain simply to him that it benefits both of you; you get respect &a little help w/ the house work, & he gets the same freedoms & priviledges other 14-year-olds get. If you keep the conversation level-headed, he'll relaize all too quickly who the *** is in the conversation. Make sure hubby backs you up!!! Best of Luck!

Answer 6

What you are talking about is a typical 14 year old boy....he is not abnormal and raising a teenager, whether it be your step son or not is difficult regardless. Just talk to your husband and tell him you are finding it difficult to cope with your son's behaviour (and he is your son, you have raised him since he was 2). Ask him to intervene a little bit more because the constant arguing is wearing you down. Because he is your step-son should not make any difference when asking your husband for some help here...he needs to step in and give you a break. Most parents will tell you the same thing. Dont be afraid to talk to your husband. He knows you love your son, and he will help out I'm sure. Just know that your son is being a typical 14 year old and as much as you dont like it, he will grow out of it. Get the support of your husband, and as a team sort this situation out. I have three children....all of them my own, but I can tell you the thought of leaving them went through my mind several times.....lol. You are not odd for thinking like this. It's hard being a parent which I think you are finding out. Just include your husband in how you are feeling.....and just remind him that he is not just your step son, he is your real son.

Good luck

Answer 7

That is how teenagers are, and they only know what they've been taught. So if you have been parenting him since he was 2, you need to accept some of the responsibility.

I am a single mother to a boy who will soon be 16. We've had our moments; but he knows that he loses privileges if he acts up -- the cable TV gets unplugged, the cell phone gets taken away, etc.

He's also had to earn his allowance through household chores and good grades; plus earn extra spending money by working around he neighborhood raking leaves, shoveling snow, mowing grass, washing cars, carrying in groceries, etc. which he started doing at 8. So he knows the value of hard work and what it takes to earn the money to buy many of the things he has. He's been doing his own laundry since 10. He takes better care of his stuff than I do! LOL!

So now you and his father have to get tough and be consistent with each other and follow-through with the discipline. It is not too late, but it will be a bigger challenge than if these precedents had been established from the time he was a toddler. Explain what your rules are so that they are clear and so the 'punishment' fits the 'crime'; explain that the reason for the rules and discipline is because you both love him and want him to be prepared to handle himself independently and responsibly when he leaves home in just 4 short years.

Have him do his own laundry, and clean up after himself in all other respects, as well. Do not replace things that he damages through neglect -- if he breaks it, he should pay for it. Also make him buy some of his own things, especially 'luxury' items. For example, I tell my son that I will pay up to $75.00 for a pair of sneakers and if he wants something more expensive, he has to cover the difference.

And most importantly, PRAISE HIM WHEN HE DOES WELL! Positive reinforcement for good behavior is WAY more effective than negative reinforcement of bad behavior.

Talk to him about his dreams -- does he want to go to college, what does he think he'd like to do for a career, what kind of lifestyle would he like to live one day, etc. Acknowledge him for the young man he is now. Take an interest in his activities: music, sports, games, whatever.

Nothing teaches a kid that they are loved more than having dedicated parents who willingly take the time and make the effort to involve themselves in his life. He will be gone before you know it, and you will have all the time you want to pursue your own interests then.

Answer 8

Welcome to the teens.
from the age of 12 to 14 they are the most ungrateful, mouthy, disrespectful bunch you will ever deal with.
Lord knows its not easy, but you are the only mother he has known since he was 2 years old.
Maybe your not biological, but you can't bail on him, don't give up.
My son put my wife in tears many times at that age.
As soon as they find out your not perfect, they start to rebel.
The trick is to not let things getting into screaming matches, you need to keep calm discussions, even if he is screaming at you, talk at a normal tone, calmly, and be in control at all times.
If you set rules or boundries, stick with them, don't give in or let him have his way to avoid confrontation.
If it gets to the point that you can't control him, and your husband can't help, call the police and report him as an uncontrolable teen.
Sometimes a night or two in juvenile hall will get him to apprieciate what he has.
Hang in there, millions of parents go through it.

Answer 9

You [and your husband and the child] very badly need some help. You're abusing the kid by not holding him accountable for his actions. As a sample, when he mouths off to you, there need to be consequences which "encourage" him to not do it again. Telling him not to do it does nothing (as you've learned). Stop nagging. Tell him once and then, if he doesn't respond appropriately, take away whatever he values--money, music, freedom or whatever. DO NOT respond to his howling and pissing and moaning and do not give in. He'll shape up.
BTW, there is help out there. Call a minister, therapist, or counselor for more.

Answer 10

He's a teen!
Your going to get that weather you his real mom or not!
Try having a neice16, niece 14, and a13 boy going to be 14, but think he 30 live as well as 4 boys 11 to 2 years, of your own and a girl you just was able to adopt that took better part of 5 years, with you and then find your center, I dare you too!

Your his MOM weather you like it or not, and you need to start being his mom, not is "STEP MOM" not his friend his "MOM" trust me on this one when kids get out of control I step up, or my wife does, because I love them all, and so does wife, and want to make sure they have a healthy productive life full of wonders and love!
So I "FATHER UP" no matter who they are I send a direct message that can't be misinterpreted!
Not voilent but unmistakable so as to insure that the will be consequents when miss behavior occurs!
You mine while your here and when your here you'll obey my rules that are out line, and my wife and I made them and follow them implicitly!
We post our rules in our hall where kids can see and read them, it make a difference, trust me on that one too!
Believe me this boy need you, as his mother because he's going through that stage of insecurity's where he wants it all but don't know how to get it!
simply offer motherly love, but must obey your home, his home!

I would suggest that this is turning into you "US" with husband and starting to hurt marriage if left unchecked!
I think you need a date night, once a week, as well as a romance night at least once a month!
You his MOM, and I admire you for being there for your son!
Good luck and hope that helps you!