My father cheated on my mom....?

Question

My father cheated on my mother and it has affected me more than my other simblings. I looked at my father as someone who could do no wrong. Since he did that, I have questioned my boyfriend about cheating. I love my boyfriend so much, we share a beautiful son together, he is the man I want to marry. But, I feel like he will eventually cheat on me, because my dad cheated on my mom. My boyfriend professes his love for me in every way, he does not want me to think like this anymore but i can not help it. I think that eventually its going to happen so i get mad at him.(boyfriend) I will pick arguements especially on the days that i go back and think about what my father did. What should I do??? I want nothing more than to be with him forever. Its not that I think he is going to cheat on me, its that i just cant help but relate that time in my life with my current life now. I need advice! Help. Please.

Answer 1

This is common actually. Like most girls your father was "perfect". He could do no wrong. In fact, many girls actually date men that remind them in some way of their fathers. (No, I don't think it's an electra complex where you want to have sex with dad, I think it's that dad has always been so good and perfect, the best way to get a good and perfect man is to get one that shares his traits.)

Now your father has betrayed that image. You are angry at him and you are reflecting that anger onto all men, your boyfriend in particular. The perfect man failed, so how could anyone else be better?

There are a few things that you can do. You can talk to your father. Confront him and tell him how his behavior has effected YOU personally. Tell him that it wasn't just your mother that he betrayed, but the entire family.
Talk to your boyfriend. Talk openly and honestly about all the things in your life and relationship that is bothering either one of you. Work together to find solutions to those problems. This creates a bond that will help you feel more comfortable with him and his commitment to your relationship.

Finally, you need to take some time just for you. Take time to sit down and honestly think about how this betrayal makes you feel. Confront it. Then consider why you selected your boyfriend. In what ways is he similar to your father? How is he different? Once you can recognize these similarities and differences it can be easier to realize that the actions of your father really don't say anything about the actions of your boyfriend. You need to think carefully and rationally, and might want to consider talking to a counselor or therapist if you need to. Recognize that you are casting the sins of the father onto the boyfriend and WHY. The Why is the most important part. Reach that and you should be fine.

Answer 2

The cheating is between your father and mother. Not you. You are playing the game of a selfish kid with your mother, saying crap like that. After all, he is your daddy, and you don't get other daddy's who are actually a real daddy. I suspect that he really loves you about as pure as love can be, but it's you who think you have to take on the battle of cheating husbands of world to really impact him, and force him to choose. You are putting up the barrier, so it's your hangup. Another thing, he did not lie to you, and he did not betray you. You are putting marriage on a pedestal, and expecting a perfect situation that so rarely happens. Most guys cheat, probably close to 90% at some point in their relationship with their primary spouse or partner. 70% get caught, and then 50% or so get divorced. With odds that high, it would be very weird if he did not cheat on your mother. That's nine out of ten men. The odds were way against him because marriage is not a natural thing for a man, but has to go along with it. It's actually a perversion of nature really, a loser to really take on one partner. And women say it can only be one, but men can actually successfully love many women at the same time, their own way, which is an impossible concept for women to even grasp. They build up the emotional side so much, it's really scary, and this happens to a family like yours. Now you will suffer for it because you will have trust issue with your partner, so to really feel the treatment. You have to make amends, and get over it. Let the mess roll with your parents about the suffering and pain. You have definitely offloaded too much. Be apart of your daddy's life, and try to have a good life.

Answer 3

You are not a child. You are an adult and capable of thinking logically. Your father had an affair because of problems in the marriage....that is between your father and your mother to sort out. People dont usually cheat for the hell of it, they cheat because of problems they are experiencing. Parents will not usually involve their kids in their personal problems, so when this happens, the child becomes confused because they didnt see any problems in the marriage.....but you are not a child, and everything I am saying, you must already know. You also must know that not everyone is the same. You are causing you and your boyfriend undue stress....it is not warranted. Your boyfriend has given you no reasons to distrust him. If you love each other then you will treat each other well and the problems you will experience in your lives you will be able to talk about openly and honestly. Communication is the key to sorting out any problems in a relationship. If your boyfriend is sincere, which I believe he is, and you love him, then why are you doing this to yourself and to him. What your father did, was for a reason and like I said, that is between your mother and your father. You have a child with your boyfriend and it seems before you found out about your father's affair, you had a good relationship with your boyfriend. If you continue to not trust him based on what your father did, then you may just push him away. No-one likes to be accussed of something they have never done, nor never intend to do. Your boyfriend is not your father. The problems between your mother and your father are not yours and your boyfriends problems. You are two individuals who love each other...You are not you mother and your father.

Stop thinking so emotively and start using a bit of logic. You are blowing everything out of proportion and being quite illogical and your boyfriend is the one who is paying the price. Allow your mother and father deal with their relationship....and you deal with yours. Or else you can hide yourself away and never get involved with anyone ever again just in case your man cheats......How silly is that? I really think you are being silly and are not thinking clearly.

Put it into perspective and try to move past the hurt this has caused your family. Concentrate on making the relationship with your boyfriend a solid and loving one. Continue to accuse him needlessly and you will push him away eventually and if you make things to hard for him, then what you are afraid of, probably will happen. If you dont do the crime, why pay the time. If you keep on being so insecure and distrusting then whats the difference if he does the crime because he is being accused of it anyway.....You get my drift?

Take care and stop being so negative.

Answer 4

I caught my dad cheating on my mom when I was in H.S. and I felt very much the same as you did. However, I have known my husband since 10th grade and have been married to him for 17 years this June. He has never cheated on me. Not all men are the same. First, you have to forgive your father and live your life. Second, please stop making your boyfriend pay for what your father did.
You need to go and talk to your dad, tell him what you just wrote here. That will be your first step in healing. You will get over this, in the meantime do not run your boyfriend off.
Good Luck.

Answer 5

Here is what I think. I think its great that you already recognize the fact that your father cheating has affected you in a negative way. Hopefully by now you have discussed your insecurties with your boyfriend and he is understanding. What you need to do is learn how to be trusting of him. Accept the fact that people do cheat on each other and it could happen. Don't let the fear take over the relationship, that could lead to him leaving you for being too jealous or insecure.

Answer 6

Well, since you asked---I think you should lighten the hell up! It's only sex. Worry about the love & commitment part, the commitment to love, honor, cherish, take care of you when you need it, and all that stuff. Sex is just sex. It doesn't necessarily mean the "cheater" has stopped loving their significant other. You are taking out your disappointment in your dad on someone totally innocent in the situation and if you continue to act this way, your boyfriend & father of your child will indeed find "love" in the arms of someone who is not pouty, demanding, suspicious, and a whole lot of other negative things that ought not be in a loving relationship. Better straighten up your act or prepare to say bye-bye tot he very thing you are clutching onto. You are choking the life out of your relationship. If you can't lighten up, I strongly suggest you seek counseling from almost anyone with a mature head on their shoulders. I might remind you--your father "did" this to your mother--NOT YOU!

Answer 7

First,every man (or woman) is a horse of a different color-your fears are wasting the time you could be having with someone who is NOT your father. Also, maybe you should talk to your father directly about it-tell him how you feel,ask him why. Ask him how he feels about it now. I know guys that think that all men cheat and think its OK. I know my husband wouldn't. He loves me and to be perfectly blunt-I'd leave him. We said a sacred vow together-he and I. For and with each other-I chose him because I could trust him. He and I have gone at it over 20 years but he's my best friend and my hero-if you have that-don't waste any more time alienating him and hurting something with stupid fears. Go live your life.

Answer 8

Well you need to stop thinking that every man will cheat just because your Dad cheatd on your MOM. Some men cheat because theya re unhappy at home and need some companionship that will listen to them. But for a good relationship or marriage to work there has to be communication, trust, and equality and most of all it need to always be nursured to stay strong. So don't worry seems like your is for real.

Answer 9

My parents divorced when I was 5 years old and I had nightmares about it for years and years. Then when I was 21 I had a bit of a breakdown in that I finally realized how much the divorce of my parents affected me.

So I can empathize with you on the hurt feelings because of what your dad did to your mom.

I would encourage you to get some professional counseling so that you can talk this out and work it out so that it won't hurt as much although you will never forget what happened.

Answer 10

Been there done that... except my dad was, is, and always will be a douche bag. He's a drunken idiot. Yet I still used to be so paranoid that my own bf would cheat on me just because my dad did so to my mom. You need to realize that not everyone acts like a jerk like your dad did. There are some good guys out there... (I know it's hard to believe) You'll get over it eventually. It took me some time, but I finally trust my bf. It's no fun always being paranoid about cheating!