Ok girls, what would you do?

Question

I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years now. From day one he's always told me that he could see us getting married, and we were going to one day, and have kids the whole shabang. He knew from the very first weeks of knowing me that my dream was to get married and have kids. I have a medical condition and if I don't have kids by the time I'm 30, my chances of being able to conceive drops 70%. I'm getting ready to turn 27 (2 weeks actually). This has been weighing on my mind and finally I talked to him.He told me he never sees himself getting married. He wants to stay together and still have kids, but not get married. He says he loves me, and can't imagine life without me, but I don't understand the big hang up on marriage then. I don't want to be one of those girls that says "Marry me, or else", but I feel betrayed, and lied to. I love this man with all my heart. He is my dream man, and everything else is great except for this. Time to cut my losses, and take a gamble?

And what if I can't find a guy to marry and have kids with in the next 3 years?

Answer 1

I'm so sorry he lied to you. You have been betrayed from the beginning. You have to ask yourself what is most important to you. If you want the American Dream of 2.5 kids, white picket fence, etc. by all means, hit the road. You deserve a husband, not just a father for your kids. He should have been honest with you up front and not have wasted your time. You could have been looking for the perfect man for you (trust me, the one you have isn't him). He has been incredibly selfish, especially knowing about your medical problems. It seems to me like he is manipulating you b/c he knows you want kids, so he sees himself getting his cake and eating it too. He knows how badly you want kids, so he figures you'll stay with him so you can have kids, and he doesn't have to marry you. Marriage is more than just a piece of paper; there are many legal advantages to marriage (being entitled to death/retirement benefits, tax benefits, etc). You deserve better than this!

Answer 2

If he loves you enough to make a big decision of making a baby with you, I can't understand why the commitment of marriage scares him. He will be just as comminted to that child if you and him don't work out . Now that I have a bigger family I think parenthood is a bigger commitment than marriage. It should be harder to walk away from your child , then a mate. But anyway I think he wants to keep his options open, by this I mean feel like he can walk away more easily if he doesn't say I DO. Good Luck. You have a hard decision ahead of you. I know he seems like Mr. Wonderful among a lake full of frogs, but he is not the only good man in the world. Never make a descion out of fear for example ( stay with him give up marriage or kids cause u think u may not find anyone else).

Answer 3

If he's truly been telling you since day 1 that he sees the two of you getting married and having kids together, then what's his hang up? I'm guessing he's either gotten cold feet, or the relationship has been rocky in the past, and now he's not so sure of what he wants to do.

This is where the tough decision comes up. You say due to your medical "condition", when you turn 30 your chances of concieving drops 70%. Is that drops to 70% or drops 70% so you only have about a 30% chance of concieving. If it's the latter, then I'm sorry, but at least you still have a small chance to concieve. And you never know, your doctor's numbers could be wrong.

It's time to sit him down and talk to him. You don't have to be a "marry me or else" girl. You can get him to realize that you want to get married without giving him threats. But, if it truly isn't something he wants, then it's really up to you to decide if you want to stay with him or not.
I'm sure it's important for you to have kids, but you've gotta ask yourself "will I leave the best thing that's ever happened to me, a guy who I love, for a guy who I might not love but will give me what I want?". You might find you can't find a guy willing to have kids right away. What if you got married to a new guy, and he turned around and said he didn't want kids. Or he wants to wait 5 years into the marriage before he starts a family? You're still up the creek.

At least you have someone who at least wants to have kids with you. There's nothing wrong with having kids with someone without being married. Yes, it looks better on paper to be married to the person, but in this day and age, it's not really frowned upon if you're not married.

Look at Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell. They've been together for YEARS, have a family together, and aren't married. Yes, they're rich, but they still lead a semi normal life at least, and the kids have all come out just fine.

Regardless of your decision, good luck.

Answer 4

Well, you know the saying;
Why buy the swine when the sausage is for free............

Maybe he has marriage phobia because of the divorce rates. Not that that is an excuse.

If he doesn't know you by now, and know that you want the vows and the kids, then you two really need to sit down and have a serious discussion about this. And this could be a reality check for both of you.

Talk to him. If he still doesn't want to be married too, then that's your deal breaker and you move on and find a guy with a common goal as yours.

Answer 5

He obviously still loves you, maybe he's been married in the past, and had a divorce, and he knows that if the two of you marry, it might end up the same way. If you know he was never married, then he probably thinks that if you do get married, you two will end up splitting up. what i'm trying to say is don't say, " marry me or else", ask him why he has marriage issues, and try to help him get through it. Did you tell him about your problem? If you didn't, the best thing to do would tell him, because he'd understand, and might get married. If he does know, and he still doesn't want to get married, then, maybe you could do better. You need someone who can appreciate you. So if he knows, and still doesn't want to explain his problems about marriage, and says he won't get married, then girl, you can do better, way better.

Answer 6

If it were me, I would leave. And do it now. Don't waste anymore of your time. I did that myself. My boyfriend of 7 years knew since day one I wanted to get married...then all the sudden he didn't. I've had to move on because marriage is what I want. You should do the same. Don't settle for less. It was wrong of him not to tell you when his feelings were changing about marriage. I'm sorry to hear of your medical problems. But, if you feel strongly about marriage, you should not have a child with a man with out a marriage.

Answer 7

How did he get to make all the decisions? It's your life too.
Cut your losses, he has sucked up 5 years of your life (that is 35 in dog years) and he knew he would not be getting married to you.
Your dream of having kids and a husband will still pan out, once you leave this loser. Keep a positive mind about this and don't become desperate. 30% is still a good chance, when it is 30% chance of rain, we get rain!!

Answer 8

I don't think you should have kids without being married. After 30, then your chances drop to 70%, that's still over half. Take a chance, and if that doesn't work, then you can adopt a child. China would be a place to adopt, if you will, because they have an oversized population, and they are killing innacent babies everyday, leaving them in fields

Answer 9

He's not your dream man because you want to get married and he doesn't. I would say move on and find your real dream man who wants to get married and then have kids like you do. Don't consider kids without marriage its not fair to them.

Answer 10

no, sweetie, try to stick in there with him, and if hes a christian, then the right way to go would be getting married. think about it for a second, if you guys dont get married, woudnt that leave him free for others!! when he does get with another person , like when hes mad at you or something, he will have the perfect excuse. "well were not married yet, so why not"