I found out my wife was / is having an affair with a coworker?

Question

About a month ago, I found my wife of 24 years has been having an affair with a coworker. She had exchanged upwards of 130 cell phone calls between them, openly lied to me when I asked her if she knew who the number belonged to (I had it verified). I asked her what she was going to do about it; and she said "I'll tell him we're going to patch it up." Now she has purchased a "pay as you go" cell phone plan, usually comes home about 4+ hours after she's scheduled off work (but gets home just before I do) has been wearing "younger style clothing" and dousing herself with perfume more than usual. This is just tearing me up... I've never cheated on her. Both of our kids are "adults" (one is late teens still living at home) I'm going to try counseling, bu how will I ever trust her again?
I appreciate your input.

Thanks to all who have shared your comments and opinions. I have scheduled counseling appointments for "us"... I advised her that she is welcome to attend; but if she doesn't, I will go myself. Her attitude has been that of Dr. Jekyl and Mrs. Hyde... sometimes positive and sometimes wanting to throw in the towel. I put my foot down and explained to her, in no uncertain terms, I cannot continue to live this way. I will give her her freedom if that is what she wants and continue on with my life. I would have to assume the counselor will pinpoint the true desire that she has (and me too). I believe she figured I would leave the home; but I told her it will be her... I am not leaving my home and our children... I didn't step over the line and violate our vows and commitment.
Once again, thanks for your comments and welcome more... it's going to be a path I've never been on before...

Answer 1

Your wife is still having the affair. The craving to be with her lover is so intense that she really doesn't see that she may be permanently injuring her children and your relationship. The only thing that matters is spending more time with her lover.

I said the above in a way not to hurt you but so that you can see where her mind is right now which is not on ending the affair. If you want to remain in the relationship in hopes that she will end the affair , then I would believe that you should seek counseling with or without your partner so that when she is done, you will hopefully be at a point to forgive her. Also, counseling will be good because you don't want this cruel indulgence of your wife's to destroy who you are.

Counseling for the both of you, when she is ready, will help with trust issues which I believe would be some of the following:

1. Change job (separation from the co-worker)
2. No more communication with the co-worker
3. Account for time (you should know where she is at any given time until you are able to trust her again).
4. Spend time together

Please take care of yourself during this very difficult situation.

Answer 2

I read what you wrote 2 times... The 1st part says that she was "offered" a listening ear. Then the 2nd part says that YOU have a busy career... Use your own 1st two sentences to understand WHY she leaned on someone other than her husband. Next, understand that although you have asked her to talk to you & she says she has but you haven't listened, means that all on HER own she has put forth the effort to communicate. Just because you didn't see it the same as she, did not make it RIGHT or WRONG... The hardest thing to do is to come to terms with the fact that we all are NOT perfect. Look at yourself from her eyes, not your own. Take a long look in the mirror & try really hard not to look the other way. If youR mind has been preoccupied & you are only half way listening, then you really are not hearing her. We each have a right to our OWN feelings. For someone to tell us that what we feel is wrong, well... that's just not fair. In any "situation" there isn't a right or a wrong. There only is what is... Learn from it, don't let it happen again when hurt feelings are involved & build back the Trust you once had... You marriage is not doomed! It just hit a speed bump!

Answer 3

I'm sorry to read about your situation. It can't be easy on either one of you, especially you. Were you able to find out why she decided to have an affair ? Was she turning to him to get the attention and affirmation she wasn't getting from you ?

It is possible for a marriage to survive and thrive after an affair, if both couples really want. It will take alot of hard work, honest communication, counseling, and forgiveness.

Even if your wife won't go to counseling, it would still be good for you to go by yourself, so that you'll be better prepared to deal with the affair, and quite possibly an impending divorce.

Answer 4

Quick update! Sorry to sound so harsh...but I would definitely get proof of all infidelity. Because of the epidemic of 10-20 year old marriages suddenly coming to an end I highly suggest you make sure she doesn't take you to the cleaners. She has already hurt your heart don't let her hurt your pockets too! Although, I may have not given you any consolation you must understand that other people are hurting over this same issue. My career allows me to see your side as well as your wife's side to your situation. People do change and grow apart! Change is the one thing that is constant..don't let this keep you from continuing to live life and knowing there is always someone in this world who will love you for you!

Answer 5

okay--if your wife wants to stay with you, you have the right to ask and demand these things: one, the reason she did what she did, and "i don't know" is not an answer. She has to tell you exactly why she strayed. next, you get to tell her what it will take you to feel fairly safe with her. That might be, say, if she had an expensive piece of jewelry, or a bank account or whatever, then you could say to her, that if she evers cheats again, you get that property, or account or whatever. and she would have to sign a contract drawn up by a lawyer you obtain, before you would continue your marriage. If she doesn't sign it, you process the divorce. If she does sign, you put that contract into a vault in the bank, and in good will, start marriage counseling--good luck- if she cheats, you get the property--she will think twice; and you have something to hold on to for trust

Answer 6

You could take her to counseling with you. You may never trust her again but maybe she doesn't care. Maybe she never even thought about it much, is just out to enjoy herself these days. All of this is going to be discussed with a counselor. You'll learn a lot and by the time you are ready to face the situation as it can be and as it is, your older teen may be out of the house. Then, have you thought of what it might be like to not have a child in the house? Maybe it will be a good thing for your marriage, in the sense that you are both free to renew some activities together and start 'dating' again - each other! I think your last child leaving the house is a milestone and you should prepare for it. Maybe you two will divorce sometime in the future but maybe, with help and work and love, you can have your marriage survive. Which is it that you want?

Answer 7

First of all, I want to tell you I am sorry you are being treated this way.

My family had always tried to get rid of my husband by saying I was having an affair. My husband knew I didn't do such thing based on our relationship and trust.

I say, if you know your wife 'is' having an affair and she wants to persist on having the affair then it would be best to let her go. Love is a powerful emotion that keeps us in a trap, but soon we learn to live w/o it from our loved one along the way as time can heal the wound of a broken heart.

I don't really know how to handle a unfaithful spouse, but in my eyes I would have to tell myself to let them go. I know it sounds easy, but it's hard to do.

If you let her stay and still she is messing around on you. You are helping out with the bills, and other expenses. You are basically helping her paying for the affair. When you kiss her good night, do you know where her lips have been? When you beg for her to stay, are you fighting a losing battle? IF, anything at all from the love, maybe you can tell her you will be there when things don't work out, why hide it? Separation is always an issue, but the hurt and pain.. will always be there. Are you ready to deal with them?

Learn to let go today, or learn to wait for her to come back to you when she gets dumped.

Violence is NOT the answer, so don't go after the 'boyfriend'. It's her fault not his. She needs to see what she wants.

Again, I am sorry you are going through this...

Answer 8

I've sat and spoke with a g/f last night about this very subject. Have you ever watch that movie Bridges of Madison County?" I have and one day my daughter ask me what was it about that movie that I could relate to?
My reply was, " Its not the cheating that happen in the movie that gets me is that No one knew their mother." The husband the children had no clue who she was or what she had done. None of them knew what she was all about.
I can relate. I haven't cheated on my husband. Nor will I. But, I can understand why a woman will come home 4 hours later especially since the kids are grown. Whats there to come home to? Most likely you two haven't had anything in common for years.
I'm sure you two have lived seprate lives for years. She with the house, home, kids and work. You with work, home and hobbies. I'm sure there has been no sex for years. If there has been sex its been very little.
Some where along the line you lost intrest in the most important thing and that was you two. You can be married but still feel like your by your self. I know the feeling.
When is the last time your wife was taken some where that didnt envolve work or envolve the kids and everything was focus on just you and her?
I'm sorry to say the answer to your question "How can you ever trust her again?" Is how can she trust you not to let this happen to her and you again.
Think of any reason she absolutely needs you in her life. She doesnt need you for sex. She can have her car work on by a shop. The kids are grown she doesnt need your help there. She can be by herself she doesnt have to be with anyone. After all shes not been with you in years. I bet you can't even remember what her dislikes are or what she really likes? Now your paying attention to what she wares even her perfume. That tells me you haven't been intrested in her in a long time and now that she has that intrest, your intrested now. Why now?
I've been a Wife, Mother, Grandmother, Working Woman and for the most of my married life I've help this family stay in line financialy and Mentally. I do the plumbing, dishes, laundry, mow the lawn, pay the bills, run a family business amongst all the other caps a wife does. I've done anything to save money in this family. From learning to change the breaks on my car. Now the kids are grown and educated and the house almost paid for. All I have to say is if somethng happens to my husband then I wont remarry because I think ILL love it all on my own. ILL also feel like the maid that inherited a house.

Answer 9

Just let her go now because you will never be happy with her again,you will always think about it and really can't in your heart forgive her or forget it.Once someone cheats the trust is gone and can't get it back,and once a cheater always will be most likely and lies after lies,been there and done that and found out the hard way of giving it a try to make it work,it like a nightmare you see and think about over and over,till you move on in your life and it is not good for the kids either.

Answer 10

If she is still lying and cheating - why would you trust her? You might be forgiving and compassionate - but I'll bet you're not stupid. The only way you'll be able to trust her is if SHE WANTS to regain your trust.

If the counseling is for you as a couple - and she's not willing to end the relationship with the co-worker - you will be wasting your time and money on a therapist. And any decent therapist will tell you that. If you want to go to counseling for YOU - to help you cope with all of this - then do it.

So sorry this has happened to you.

Make sure your kids feel loved and safe.

Try to go through this with as much grace as possible. It sounds like you're a good guy - and you want to remain one.