Should I leave her?

Question

I have been married for five years now, and have been with my wife in a relationship for 10 years. The thing is I honestly don't think I've ever loved her. I met her at university and she was my first girlfriend. I remember trying to break up with her at university, but I wasn't prepared for her emotional response and I freaked out. Over time I decided that we got along very well, and I adopted a sort of fatalistic approach to life. I ended up marrying her due to a visa issue - I had to move to another country for work reasons. Things were going fine until recently. I met someone at work that sparked some emotions inside of me that I didn't believe I was capable of. My new friendship hasn't stepped into the physical realm, and I don't think it will. However, I can't stop thinking about her, it's become obsessive. When these feelings developed, I explored my life and realised that the last 10-years of my life have been a blur. My wife is a saint and I feel terrible. She is 31. No kids.

Answer 1

You say your wife is a saint.....don't you think that she deserves the chance to find a man who 'wants' to treat her like her like SHE is the most important person in the world too? I had a realtionship with a guy who i would've given the world too, i think i always knew really that he didn't feel the same....i can honestly say the day he decided to move on with his life, was actually the best thing he could ever have done for me...i met someone else who has been my partner for nearly 2 years now, i didn't know i could be so happy...so be brave and follow your heart, its the best decision for both of you, you both deserve to give and receive proper love....wish you much luck x

Answer 2

Be honest. Better said than done, of course.
But there are no kids involved. That's good.

But be honest only to a degree. Try not to hurt her too much. She will be hurt anyway. But do let her down easy. And don't go back and forth here. You say that she had some emotional issues. Don't permit her to threaten you with dramatic stuff, like she'll hurt herself and all that. She's a grown woman.
But you should just move out. This sounds harsh and it is. But pack your things and leave.

Also, do consult a lawyer before you take the next step. Just to make sure.

It's better to make a clean break now than to wait another ten years! Plus, she probably already has a feeling that something is up.

....and..about that new relationship. Be careful. You've been emotionally deprived for many years. Don't get sucked into something. Or you might end up doing the same thing again. Staying with someone for no good reason. Examine your own motivation and what YOU want. Just for yourself.

Take a good look at what's really important to you. Maybe this is a good opportunity to take some time out for yourself and get a new perspective on things!

Good luck!

Answer 3

This is what I mean personally. Yes, I think you should leave her. Now you feel like this, and it will probably not be any better. Your wife is still young and can find another that maybe can make her more happy. And, you might do the same. If your marriage did not work to satisfaction, then it's time to move on. If it did work, is it then worth the risk? If you have no deep love for your wife now after 10 years, it will probably not change. I think you are ready to move on, and it's not fair over your wife to stay married if you don't love her. She deserves better then I think, don't you?
Best of luck to you, what ever you decide.

Answer 4

Nope, not at all...I don't know how you can survive a 10-year relationship w/o loving her...I guess it must be real hard on your part...Your initial feeling of freaking out has landed yourself in a life long misery...and you need to fix this up but NOT by divorcing her...just put yourself in her shoes, if she were you, would you like her to do the same to you? I am sorry to hear this, but there's always a solution...I'd suggest you seek God in prayers...Miracles will happen eventually and you will feel head over toes for your wife... if you aren't a christian yet, then it'd be a terrific thing to do if you dedicate your life to Jesus and you will experience His love which ultimately inspires you to love your wife...it works!

Answer 5

Continually analyzing your feelings and judging the relationship. Is it good enough? Would I be happier with someone else? Wanting a continual fire of love in relationship. Sounds like a chic trying to make an excuse to cheat.
My guess is even "if" you got together, you still would have fatalistic view of life and would stray again when the fire of love cools to glowing embers, rather than re kindling the fire.

Answer 6

your wife is blameless here, your perception has changed, but perceptions are just yours, not the real truth, because u met someone new u think u don't love your spouse anymore, and now question that u ever loved her at all. its easy when u meet someone new to imagine u have no love for your spouse anymore, as u say things were fine until u meet the new person. think u need to work on your marriage, and distance yourself from this new person. perceptions are not truth they are just really an illusion, and won't work out in the long run.

Answer 7

You need to stop your emotional affair with your co-worker and work on your own marriage. It is hardly fair that you have been with this "saint" for 10 years, never found anything wrong with her, and suddenly that you imagine yourself in love with this co-worker, your whole relationship with your wife is meaningless and "a blur". Go for some couples counselling with your wife and make every effort to save your marriage. After 10 years, you owe your wife that much.

Answer 8

I don't think it's fair that you suddenly have a change of heart.just because you met someone else. You made vows and married. It seems to me that you are used to not being able to take charge of your own life with the way you wound up in your marriage....don't compound it by making another pathetic decision. You need to get a life and get some help.

Answer 9

Mighty Jo, everyone deserves to be happy and I feel for you! However, one should not take lightly the vows of marriage. It really should be a lifelong committment.

You seem to have married for the wrong reasons, though. There's something wrong with robbing her of the opportunity to find someone that really loves her.

Mon ami! Follow your heart.

This post didn't help at all, did it?

Answer 10

10 yrs w/ a same woman bored you anyways. moving on to a different dish intrigued more i assume. she's young/no kids well i'm sure she will deal with it if you move on. obviously you don't want her anymore b/c u desire freedom you missed out. you think of the other lady b/c it's refreshing to escape with a different feelings inside. i know how that goes myself. i was married and divorced/no kids in early 30s.

even if you date around afterwards, if that other (new) person doesn't want to stick with you in a relationship, you'll end up wandering around, dating around, live confused. (unless you're lucky enough to settle again with the one you desire). it might repeat again who knows.
good luck and if your wife agrees to release, why not. heck with it lol. have fun...

kind of sad after all.