Why stay in a long marriage when a spouse has a 5+ year affair and betrayed spouse knows everything?

Question

The cheating spouse has confessed, left the marriage multiple times, the betrayed spouse knows the length of the affair, seen the evidence, read the emails; yet reconciles always. Why? Why would someone settle to live with a liar and cheater? The reason I heard was that they have been together so long! That they have memories and friends that would judge them! Why would someone give up a happy future just to hang on memories from the past? No young children.

Answer 1

I dont know....somewhere between the marriage vows and when the spouse cheats, the "betrayed" person seems to lose their pride. They no longer need to be loved and get used to being used. They dont need their spouse to love them, just need them to be physically around with no expectations. They usually win the cheater back with threats making the cheater feel fear, obligation and guilt...FOG.......the brain is fogged...it cant think clearly and the reason the cheater goes back is because they feel too much guilt to end it. Its absolutely dreadful and I can only speak for myself, but if I knew my husband didnt love me, there is no way I could stay in that relationship because I need to be number one in my husband's life. I need to feel loved to feel good about myself and the relationship. Maybe I value myself more than those snivelling wives/husbands who put up any kind of behaviour. If only these snivellers realised that the more they allow unacceptable behaviour the more they are giving the cheater permission to do anything they want to do. The snivellers, in a lot of cases are really manipulators and controllers. They see their spouse, as not a person, but a possession. They dont particularly love their spouse, they just see that their possession is being taken away from them....thats why they hang on because they dont care about love, only about possessing. If a woman/man have even the slightest amount of pride and a tiny bit of self-esteem, they would not accept a cheater and a liar....they obviously have none, so they will get whatever treatment they have allowed the cheater to inflict. The cheater also is a weak human being to keep on going back to a spouse he doesnt love. He is just as bad as the spouse who snivells and begs the cheater to come back. The cheater should set the spouse free to find real love and the spouse should let the cheater go for him/her to experience real happiness. As far as I am concerned both are as bad as each other and make a perfect couple because both of them are as weak as water.

Answer 2

For a lot of people, cheating means the end. however, some people feel very attached to their partners that they are just unable to let go. Why do you think that victims of spousal abuse don't always get away? Sometimes it's shame, sometimes it's just having gotten use to the idea. Same sort of thing occurs for victims of rape - many women (and men too) are too ashamed to report their assault (not that rape is directly comparable to infidelity). When someone is violated by someone close to them, in any way, or if they are betrayed, it is much harder to let go then if they were violated or betrayed by a stranger. There were many emotions invested in this marriage, from the sounds of things. the betrayed spouse will come to terms with it in his/her own time and find a way to end it accordingly. Unfortunately, little can be done to hurry the process. All anyone else can do is offer support and patient friendship.

Answer 3

Well, to give it to you straight, I think that you're an idiot to waste the time you can enjoy with your children on a long distance affair. Why make so many people suffer? His wife, your children, his, your partner? How can it be worth it? Are you really comtemplating looking your children grow up then to abandon then to go and be with someone you have only have stolen moments with? I think that the excitement comes from the fact that it's forbidden. Marriage, being together is always going to come down to making compromises, accept the other's faults and work at the relationship.

Answer 4

The reason why the betrayed spouse is staying in this pathetic excuse for a marriage is that he/she thinks of him/herself as a doormat who doesn't deserve any better.

You're absolutely right, anyone with a shred of self-esteem would have left a long time ago and built themselves a better future.

Answer 5

Good question. Why would they hang on? I'm in the same situation though. It's easier to hang on and hope for the best even though you know that it's over. It's easier to cope this way until you find a replacement. It's sad that all things come to an end. But hey, there are plenty of guys who would love to be with me and who are just as worthy. Good luck

Answer 6

Honey you would have to be crazy to stay there are so many more people out there that are not dogs and maybe your soulmate is out there just waiting for you . Trust me I have just left a relationship but mine was a little bit different he used to hit me and i put up with that for 5 years and yes i do have a four year old to this man. the best thing i ever did was leave him it was lonley at first but within 10 months i found the love of my life we have been together for 8 months and we are getting married next year . it was the best thing i ever did....

Answer 7

Because they are lazy, insecure,image based shallow people. It's too much work to explain, split up, find someone else, admit failure, etc... always and forever finding excuses and reasons for everything - fact is, total laziness is the #1 reason cheaters stay married and spouses stay married to them. Sad and disgusting - what terrible excuses for human beings.

Answer 8

It's just the fear of change. Fear of starting over. Not knowing if they can find someone better.
Or, maybe they think the other spouse is sorry and will change. Its hard to judge someone when you are not them.

Answer 9

And then again they could be swingers for all you know their secret life. Some people just don't know how to leave like in a abuse relationship. Too afraid maybe to change but that's the choices they make together.

Answer 10

I dunno, perhaps the "betrayed spouse" is ok with it. How do you know they are unhappy? There's also such a thing as choosing between the two evils. For some people, being alone is much worse than being with someone - even if that someone is far from perfect.