I need genuine answers, please don't give answers to criticize as I already have a lot of troubles.?

Question

I've been married for 4 years now, and since we got married problems started. He wanted his family to be given the most importance but Im the only child of my parents so I feel a lot of responsibility for my parents too. We come from two different cultures,so initially his mother was very harsh to me because my culture was different from hers. I started disliking her. In return, he was unhappy with me. After sometime, we started growing apart and we were like two roommates in a house. No physical intimacy, no affection. Sometimes he would want to have some intimacy,when it pleased him but i wouldn't feel up for that.He grew distant too. Then I moved to a different country, still married to him, for better job perspectives. After sometime, I got closer to a man who works in the same office(it's a big corporate office). We started meeting after office and slowly we grew very close. We love each other but can't decide what would be the best for us. We have huge age difference too.

This man who Im in love with now is also going through difficult times regarding job,money etc. But I have never felt this happy in a long long time. Should i go for my happiness and live my life or should I go back to the same rut that I had been with my husband....hard to decide. My husband doesnt want to leave me.I can't tell him that i dont want him as he has done a lot for me before we got married and till now( as a husband, though that never made us happy),so Im hugely obligated to him. Im in delemma.

The man Im seeing is married with the same estranged wife, like my husband or even worse situation. My husband called me and told me he will die if I left him. I told him I wont leave him but that makes my life hell. I don't love my husband, it just flew out of the window one day when I woke up. Please help.

Answer 1

Honey, you're not obligated to anyone but yourself. Your husband might have done a lot for you, but I'm sure you have taken care of him in return - and in any case, it was his choice to do whatever it is he has done for you. Unless you held a shotgun to his head at all times, threatening his life if he didn't do as you said, he is just as responsible for his choices as you are for yours. Your marriage obviously isn't working out. Whether or not you pursuse the other guy - why hang on to a dead relationship? If you decide to divorce, it shouldn't be for "the other guy", it should be for you. Then you can get involved with the other guy, or with someone different, or with no one at all. Be honest with your husband, don't be stringing him along. If leaving is what you want to do - then do it a.s.a.p.; he will get over it, he's an adult. It doesn't sound to me like you want to spend the rest of your life with him, and if not - then why spend another day married to him? You are not getting any younger, and you need to look for your long-term happiness. Be honest, for both yours and your husband's sake. He, too, deserves a shot at finding someone who is more compatible with him than you are. Good luck.

Answer 2

Obligation is no reason to stay married. You are living apart anyway. There are huge intimacy problems and if you were honest, control issues as well. He likes to control it seems by the way he insisted his family take preference over you. You felt like you couldnt be close to your parents because of what he wanted. Thats control. The fact that you said he wanted to be intimate with you only when he wanted is another indication of his controlling nature. We werent born to be controlled.....we were born to have a mind of our own. He may have been good to you, but that is no reason to stay married. You deserve to be happy too. I think you already know that your marriage has never been good to start with, so you are wasting precious time hanging onto a marriage that really never was. Different cultural beliefs always cause problems in marriage and you have to remember your husband was born to believe a certain way, so he is not going to change his cultural beliefs because it was the way he was raised. You cant undo a lifetime of cultural conditioning.

You deserve to be happy....forget about the age difference, its the feelings you have for this man that are the most important. While it is a decision only you can make, I suggest you really take a good hard look at your life with your husband and work out does he really make you happy. Like I said obligation is no reason to stay married. You can thank him for everything he has done for you, but remind him that while you feel obligated to him and think hes a great guy, you are not in love with him. If you stay married to him out of obligation, responsibility and guilt, it will end up making you bitter and if you are unhappy now, then I guarantee as time moves on you will begin to resent your husband. You do have a choice here....this is your life too. You cant just think about what your husband wants/needs. You have to think about your needs as well.

Take care and make a choice that is in your best interests.

Answer 3

It seems that this new man is making you happy
because of the problems you are having with your
husband. Sit down , look in the mirror and decide
what it is that you really want in life and that would
make you happy: If you know for sure that it is over
with, between you and your husband, resolve that
issue first before continuing with another. Once
you have resolved the issue with your husband in
one way or another, be it reconciliation or divorce,
then take a little time,recuperate before getting
into another relationship, as you need to know the
other person much better so you will not get your-
self in the same situation as you are in now. Men
seem to feel sorry for women who are having
problems in marriage and will say and do anything
to lure the women into their arms. BE CAREFUL,
and stand up and be a woman, get the respect
due you and before getting into any relationship
MAKE SURE that that person will truly keep you
happy for the rest of your life, and that is not an
easy task, that is why it takes time. Good luck.

Answer 4

It sounds to me like you would be better off leaving your husband. It sounds like a loveless marriage that isn't going anywhere. If you part ways, you will both have the opportunity to search for other people and will not have to feel guilty about it. As far as the new man goes, after you figure out things with your husband I say go for it!! There is no reason why you shouldn't be together (if you are unmarried when you are moving forward that is) if you are very happy with him. You deserve to make choices that better your future. :)

Answer 5

If your husband is not living in the same country as you and you have all these reservations about your relationship, then you guys definitely need to divorce. Especially if you are seeing someone else and chances are, he is too. As for the other guy, there is no need to jump into something serious just yet. If you are already having doubts, then just imagine what else could come up. Just enjoy life and don't settle!

Answer 6

i don't mean this to sound unkind, but i don't think you're ready or should be married. your marriage sounds more like an arrangement of some kind, rather than a loving relationship that will stand the trials of life. now you're involved with another man..i think you should divorce and remain single ..happiness is NOT about having a man. find some happiness and direction in your life instead of looking for the "best deal".

Answer 7

Do you still want to save your marriage? It seems that both of you aren't striving hard enough to save it - like for example seek counsel or serious talk between you and your husband. Harder still is the fact that you're miles apart. I've a gut feeling that all is lost between you two. File for a divorce so you could enjoy a happy and guilt-free life with your new man.

Answer 8

Ok so you have not been happy since you have been married and you have given a try. I would be getting a divorce because you are unhappy and if you are really happy seeing this other man then go for it.

Answer 9

First you have to consider the problem between your husband and yourself. You have to be sure that it's all over between you two and file for divorce.
After that you can think about comminting to the new man you met...but be sure that he's not using you and telling you what you want to hear (cuz you are vulnerable right now and you're looking for love and affection)
Good Luck

Answer 10

marrige of two cultures is huge challange that coupel shoudl be aware of before they actually get married. of course ur motehr in law didnt help it . but guys u gave up too soon . u forogt what really matters and fell apart watched ur life togtehr draining its vital siggns. intemacy , friendship a real dialog between u too . to make it worse u left and went after ur career in anotehr city ! ist huge msitake u did that in first place not to mention that u did it before u fix ur relation with ur hsuabnd. about teh new guy ! let me tell u this when we are not happy in our marrige every other guy sees the right one. and dear i think ur are too demanding tooo hard to satisfy ! ur husband who doen alot for u is busy with his family and dont care about u teh new guy is havin money trouble and hes too older than u have a critical eye who coudl see faults in every one ! what abour urs!? are u perfect! , stayin with ur hsuband and its nto really styin ist just staying married to him outta obligation aint teh right way to pay him back and wont elp u either. close the book befor eu open anotehr . go back to ur hsuabnd work it out or just get divorced and when the failed marrige is behinde u u d be more capable of seein the right person coz as i said before when we r in a marrige sinking ship , every other man seems to be the one for us.