Is it really so bad to have an affair?

Question

I've been married for a few years to a great guy who is my best friend. But he's a lot older than me (18 years) and I got married young (22) and I'm starting to miss the fact that I never got a chance to go on a lot of dates or play the field. We're both independent people, and my husband once told me that if I had an affair he would understand. I'm very drawn to someone right now, and temptation seems to be poping up everywhere. I'm not religious, so don't play the "you'll go to hell" card, because I'm not concerned with that. Is it ok to give into temptation once or twice to get it out of my system? I'm afriad that if I don't, I'll go nuts and take it out on my husband.

Jeez, enough of the "marriage if forever and its immoral to cheat" stuff. Half of marriages end in divorce, and most people cheat at one point in their lives. After all, humans are not biologically suited for monogamy. I'm looking for serious answers, not knee-jerk reactions.

It's not about sex. My husband is wonderful in that department. Its about romance and that nevous feeling in your stomach that you get when you're anticpating the first kiss. I miss that. I didn't get to experence that enough.

Anyone else want to call me names? I'm getting the feeling that many of you who are insulting me are trying to hind the fact that they have these urges too. At least I'm being honest with them, not just pretending they're not there.

Answer 1

My wife had an affair and it hurt me deeply, and I reciprocated and had an "internet" affair, which was at the very least, anonymous and safe. But you are in a different spot, your hubby has given you permission to do this. So, morality aside....you still run the risk of falling for your new guy and dealing with those emotions. You have a slight risk of pregnancy or std's if you aren't careful, and either one will complicate your life. I think you have to evaluate your own emotional state, whether you can keep your life straight and have the affair your hubby gave you the okay to seek. My other thought is that your hubby may actually be turned on by the idea of you having this affair (I have that same fantasy), and maybe that can be used to your advantage, too. But - tread carefully...these message boards are loaded with people who have complicated their lives. Take care.

Answer 2

Your best friend should also be your love and your lover as well. I have a best friend, but I certainly would not have decided to marry her. For a marriage to be successful, all the components need to be there, not just a few. I think its unfair for the person who is cheated on. If you dont love him enough to stay faithful, then you should leave him to allow him find a woman more his own age then. He is only in his 40's and still in his prime. I dont understand what the problem is. He is quite capable of giving you a wonderful time in the bedroom....as a matter of fact, he would probably be better than any man your age. If he is not being intimate with you maybe its because you are giving him no encouragement. Maybe you are too inexperienced in the sex department to really know what to do yourself. Maybe you still have young and flighty ideas, in which case, you should never have married him if you havent got the maturity to love your man properly. I lived with a guy 17 years younger than me, and he wasnt a very good lover. I am now with a man who is 55 and is the best lover I have ever had....so this age thing is absolutely crapola. Maybe you have the problem. Maybe you are making him feel insecure and he is feeling inadequate. Maybe if you showed him how sexy he was and you didnt want anyone else then he may just surprise you....so much so, that you will never crave another man ever again.

Your husband may say its OK to have an affair, but I guarantee, if he is feeling insecure now, you cheating will practically castrate him. Do him a favour and leave him. Let him find a woman who can love him like he deserves and will have the maturity to know how to please her man.

Answer 3

Do what you feel you must. Just be completely honest with your husband. Remember... the grass is NOT greener on the other side of the hill. And everything that's new and exciting at the start gets old over time. I've been with my woman since I was 19 years old, she was 21... I've only dated one other person... and I don't feel like I missed out on anything. Dating isn't all it's cracked up to be from what I've heard. Maybe you should try working on your self instead of trying to make your life exciting by bringing new sexual partners into your life. Perhaps you're bored because you just need new experiences, not necessarily a new lover. Try counseling and then decide what's best. Would losing your husband be worth a couple of lousy one night stands that leave you feeling empty the next day??

Answer 4

Maybe this answer will make you feel better:

Affairs are a matter of weakness. No marriages are "perfect," but most people who are emotionally mature seem to get by OK.

But, it's not all that hard to find someone outside your relationship that "looks better" than your partner.

Someone else might have more of a particular personality trait that appeals to you - more than your partner.

But, more than likely, they also have some characteristics that you WOULDN'T like.

It might seem like an appealing thing to have a little "outside action" with someone else, but most of the time, the odds for problems are MUCH greater than the opportunity for a little pleasure.

That said, a good, solid marriage relationship can survive an episode of infidelity. Two loving, forgiving people can get past that.

I don't recommend you have the affair, but you'd better really assess your relationship before you jump the fence.

Answer 5

Hi Girly Girl!
Yes, while it is "bad" to seek sexual fulfillment outside your marriage, many people do it, regardless of the vows they once took. Before I go on,are you otherwise happy in your marriage? You state, that he basically gave you a "green light or thumbs up" to go and have an affair, I can't believe that he really meant it. I am a Christian, but I am not going to preach to you or quote scripture to you. It would be very hypocritical for me to do so, as I too have done. Only, I wasn't the one who was married; he was. In any case, if I were you, I would talk to him (your hubby) and carefully broach the subject again. While he once made that statement to you, it doesn't necessarily mean that he meant that. Maybe it was a statement uttered by him to "test" you or maybe even because he never dreamt you'd act on it. Like I said, when the mood is right and you guys spend some time together, ask him about it again. No, not to get his "permission" to cheat, rather, to clarify things in that regard. But please, be tactful. Most men think they are considered "worthy" "hip" or "modern thinking" by their younger wifes if they say something like it; however, fewmen really do mean that. Be easy and sweet in your approach and if you get the answer you are hoping for, assure him that it would just be a sexual desire you are fulfilling and that it has nothing to do with love. Tell him what and how you feel for/about him. That you love him and consider him to be your best friend and that you won't do it if it jeapodizes your relationship with him. You are asking for advice, but all I can offer you is to tell you how I believe this matter could/should be handled. Don't run the risk of losing your best friend (husband) over plain sexual desire. Believe me, the grass really isn't greener on the other side :) How cliche is that? In any case, if you feel it would or could potentially destroy your relationship with him, avoid the temptation and rather, try and find something new and exciting that you can both partake in. Buy some sexy lingerie and/or "toys" and surprise him when he comes home one day. Or (and I did this once :) it worked beautifully), wear a coat with nothing underneath and surprise him at the office/job, if it is at all possible. The feeling of danger, thought of "getting caught" might be very gratifying for both of you. By all means, don't forget to lock the door :) You might be surprised how that could rekindle your desire for your best pal. Again, I can only tell you what it is I would do. Otherwise, you run the risk of losing something very special. A bond you guys have been sharing for a few years now. If, however, you feel like you have to "stray" in order to find sexual happiness, then the problem might be deeper than you care to admit. Good Luck to both of you and don't risk loosing him over this if everything else is good between the both of you. Rather, try what I have suggested first to put the spice (or so called "ump") back into your lifes. Who knows, maybe that's what is missing, and could potentially "heal" your desire to go outside the marriage. You did say "... one or twice...", but Hon, while you think now that it will only be once or twice, you might just be opening up a can of worms and end up somewhere you'd rather not be. Just a suggestion. I am, in no way, trying to judge you, just attempting to help. Take care, good luck and yes, God Bless :) MsB

Answer 6

I think that an affair can improve your marriage if handled properly. As long as you realize that all it is is an affair and not a life time commitment. As long as both of you are sure you will never interfere with each other's lives any more than agreed upon, I don't think there's that much wrong with it. I guess you have to put yourself in your husband's position and think how you would feel if it was him wanting to have an affair. If you feel you would be ok with it, then you'll be fine doing it. But, if you don't want to ruin your marriage, make sure you don't start comparing the 2 men, and deliberately sabatoging your marriage. Your husband will never compare to your lover, you've known your husband too long, the lover will always feel better. But if you think long enough you'll probably realize all you could lose if you were to leave your husband for this other man (I'm not saying that's your plan, just that as women we often end up thinking that way). Keep it as a physical only, completely discreet relationship and as long as your husband never finds out and you don't deprive him of anything, go for it! You don't want to regret it, I know!

Answer 7

You entered into marriage young as you stated so
you need to grow into your marriage. Because you
did not do much exploring when you were young
now you have tendecies to do so, it's normal, and
it is also normal to seek counseling as they
may give you some info on how to control that. If
you want your marriage to work you have no
choice but to seek counseling. It's not bad and
sometimes it is helpful, however it depends upon
you because if you still have these tendecies to
explore now that you are married it is not good
for your marriage because you probably will stray
at one point. Even though you say your husband
said he would understand if it happened why
spoil your marriage on a fling if it does not have to
happen. Good luck

Answer 8

Although I'm not sure, I hear sexual infidelity hurts less than the romantic emotional kind. Being very drawn to a 'someone' is the latter. So, make sure you clear up one 'little issue' with your husband. Chances are he's thinking about a drunken mistake (like men often make) - not a conscious romantic falling in-love.

If you and your husband aren't talking the same 'language' you may find the answer to your question the hard way.

Answer 9

you may study this emotional affair. to three human beings an intensive friendship will be considered an affair, or maybe as their spouse locate themselves in love with some different person. Feeling in love and appearing in love with someone even as preserving yet another courting is one of those dishonest because their are thoughts in touch and it means that it wasn't in simple terms an off-the-cuff charm (no longer that it truly is perfect). ask your self in case you felt betrayed? in case you probably did then it probable means that you do evaluate it to be dishonest, yet climate it replaced into an emotional affair or a sexual affair, the final analysis is that you concentration on both to be dishonest. best of success!

Answer 10

Well, talk to your husband. See if he will accept the idea of an "open" marriage for 6 months-1 year. Put a time limit on it, and if he agrees, be sure to treat him with the same love and respect you always have. Don't bring the guys into your marital bed either, that is just unhygenic for your hubby. Trust me, there are plenty of successful open marriages out there. Just be ready for him to say he wants some playtime too...