What do you do in this situation? Marital problems..?

Question

Asking strangers for advise because sometimes an outside perspective has better outcomes. I love my husband, but sometimes I have feelings of discust. He has situations, tones of them, and he's not helping himself. He's an ex-military that is unemployed, criminal background makes it more difficult for him to get a job. So guess who the bread winner is? He's gotten himself in even more trouble and digging himself in a hole. I've asked him about self employment, but he's not taking any steps towards that direction. Is he merely living off of me? Sucking on like some parisite? Using me? Am I having illusions that he even loves me? Leaving for hours on end without really giving me full knowledge as to where he's going. We've talked, or should I say argued about these problems but not getting anywhere. I am scared of what his reaction would be if I told him I wanted out of this marriage, and no, he has never been abusive, but he has thrown objects. How can I end this marriage safely?

Answer 1

Try telling him in a public place, not around people but with them near by. However you should be in the position to not return home. Have your money set aside, belonging that you need and place to stay. Going back wouldn't be wise and don't meet him in a private place later. He may not have hit you, but throwing things isn't far from what you don't want to have happen.

You really do need out, this isn't the way anyone should spend the rest of their life. You are not doing him or yourself any good by staying married at this point.

Answer 2

You need to give him an ultimatum: either contribute to this marriage or we're ending it. I would suggest counseling but I assume the money issues you mentioned would prohibit that.

If you feel unsafe, have a friend (preferably someone capable of protecting you if need be) be nearby when you have the conversation with him. If you are scared of his reaction, then there is a real problem and you already know it.

Another option is moving out and leave him a note to call you when he returns so you can talk about it. Then just tell him you'll be back when he decides to act like an adult, get a job and treat you with respect. If he acts violent, get a restraining order. Immediately.

Be careful and good luck!

Answer 3

If you're the breadwinner, and there are no children, and you don't have money tied up in joint assets like a house, and you have a safe place to go that he doesn't know about or won't chase you down if you go there, then you should just pick up, pack up and leave without notice. You're married to a criminal who has been trained in military violence and is near the breaking point economically. He sounds like a ticking bomb. Self employment is a bad idea for someone with a criminal record. Don't know what the "more trouble" consists of but it doesn't sound like he has a handle on his life. He may not be actually using you, but he's attracting danger to you. I think you're smart to act to preserve yourself. You don't say whether you have children or a place to go, which would change the picture somewhat. Very good luck to you.

Answer 4

No offense but you are married to a loser that is just using you. I suggest you get out of that marriage as soon as you can. Hopefully children are not an issue but if they are make sure to take them with you. Also file for a restraining order if you truly fear for your safety and well being. You already know that something isn't right with what you are going thru so admitting to yourself shouldn't be all that hard. Have the courage to do what needs to be done and you will feel much happier in the long run. Loving someone isn't enough to make things work or worth putting up with an emotional roller coaster ride forever with no end in site. All the answers you need are right in front of you the only thing left for you to do is make your decision. Good Luck

Answer 5

It sounds like your husband has way too many problems. Did he not have a job when you married him? He's still getting in trouble? You need to leave him. If you really love him so much that you can't see yourself living your life without him, leave and tell him to contact you when he has gotten a job and worked through some of his issues. There is no reason for an able bodied adult not to have a job and do his part to support the household. If you are afraid, contact the police or get a restraining order.

Answer 6

It is up to you whether to attempt to try to save the marriage or not. After reading your question I get the feeling that you have tried to talk through this and that that has been unproductive. If you truly want to end the marriage and you are concerned for your safety then there are steps you can take. The first is to talk your situation over with a lawyer. He will be able to help you legally through this process. If a restraining order becomes necessary then he can help you with that. If you have a house and it is under your name that means it is your and the lawyer can help you through getting your husband removed from your house. Part of the process may involve a private investigator being used to follow your husband and find where he goes. You can quietly get things started before your husband finds out. So I think first step is to talk with a lawyer.

Answer 7

He's using you, and if he throws objects at you, you need to leave ASAP. Oh, and you can't say that he's not abusive, but he does throw things. One definition of "abuse" is to cause a person to be fearful or to feel unsafe. Since you're at least a little afraid to leave, you need to realize that that is abuse.

The safest way to escape a violent or abusive relationship is to not go it alone. Speak to someone you trust, like a sister, best friend, or parents. Call a local crisis center, or a church, and let them know what's going on and why you're worried. Either one can help you find a place to go. As soon as you leave, file for an order of protection (restraining order).

When you're actually leaving, don't be alone. There is safety in numbers, so have siblings or friends or anyone who can help you.

Good luck.

Answer 8

I think I would just fill out the papers and have a cop serve them to him. And have the cop stick around while you pack and get outta there! Throwing things? Come on; that's not love. He sounds lazy, un-motivated, and selfish. Perhaps you leaving would be the best thing for him; it might motivate him to fix his life. If it doesn't, you know you're better off and you can move on. But i wouldn't jump into another relationship right away. I think a lot of women are too dependent nowadays and dont take time to be by themselves and discover themselves. Learn new things; try new experiences; do things they've always wanted to do in life. So go ahead honey. Take some action. Leave and take time to love yourself.

Answer 9

There are help for veterans and someone with criminal history. Does he has a disability (mental or physical) that is a result of his duty? He could apply for military assistance. Most guys have self respect about being the bread winners, but I don't his situation.

Answer 10

You say you love him. But you end with this.
How can I end this marriage safely?
I hate to be the one to break the news. But you have already left.

If you love him and want to try and work it out. Tell him the two of you are going to a marriage consoler.
He is ex military so tell him to suck it up and drive on. Get a job. Its hard. But get something.

Being military myself, I am sure he is feeling worthless right now. It hurts. Its hard to deal with. But you need to drive on.

If you want it try harder, if you don't leave. Its all about what you think will make you happy.