Husband cheating???

Question

I just found out that my 30 yr old husband has been keeping in contact with an ex girlfriend from high school. She is married as well, and they both swear they're "just friends", but he found it necessary to hide it from me. My insides are telling me there was something going on and it all just sounds fishy. I have no proof but point is he lied and I feel violated and angry and am ready to leave bc of this....any advice???

Ok some more info....he asked me to get a number out of a phone and I saw her #, I asked who she was and he lied by telling me she was one of his cashiers... I called the store and there were no cashiers with that name. I work for our phone company and he coveniently calls her on every holiday or occasion and always on his day off or right before he comes home. WE as a couple established that there is no such thing as a platonic relationship...as a matter of fact this was his rule...

Answer 1

It sounds like he was/is keeping her as his "what if" girl. There is never a reason to keep a friend, no matter what condition their plumbing is, from a spouse. UnLeSS acknowledging the friend exists will burst their phantasy bubble.
You have every right to feel betrayed and with that lie by omission your ability to know what is and is not a lie in your marriage is definite.
Sometimes it would be better if this indiscretion had been a one night sex fling...there is no emotional attachment. Men who engage in this behavior do not give it up or come clean easily...they think they have done nothing wrong. After all, he did not use that stick of dynamite he carries around in his pants.

"I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you." by Friedrich Nietzsche

Answer 2

Some posters above have suggested having the woman and her husband over for dinner. I think that's a good idea. (But, knowing me, I would be a little b i t c h y or secretive myself and not tell him who was coming to dinner....sit back and enjoy the discomfort if there is any on either of their parts.)

The fact is that he was hiding something from you. This in and of itself says that there is smoke happening, but you can't know yet if there was fire or not without more proof. At a minimum, it sounds like there was emotional infidelity going on and that's not okay either.

Don't leave without more proof of what was actually going on between them or without proof of other "relationships" that you don't know about--secret e-mails, hidden internet or bank accounts, swinger forums, time away from home or work unaccounted for, etc.

At the same time, let him know what you think and how you feel about this situation and that this marriage needs attention and work--and that he won't find that in hidden relationships. He'll only find that in you and his marriage and that that's where he needs to place his focus, attention, and effort.

If he makes no effort, then it's time to check out of the marriage. There will be a "tipping point" and you'll know what and when that is and what that looks and feels like. You feel it already or you wouldn't be having these thoughts and feelings and posting here.

If you do decide to leave, please plan in advance: Have him tailed for proof, check the computer history, sock away money, gather documents, see a lawyer.

Good luck.

Answer 3

You should feel violated and yes I think they are both cheaters. "Just Friends." If they were just friends he should not have been hiding anything from you. He would have invited her over to the house when you were home or the four of you, her husband, she, you and your husband would have all gone out to dinner. He wants to hold on to his youth. He wants someone on his side when you two have a fight or an argument. "She doesn't understand me." It's cheating! Even if they have not had sex, it's cheating. You have to open the relationship. You should insist on meeting her husband. Don't cut him off from his past but bring the relationship into the present. The closer you get with this high school girlfriend's husband trust me the more she will retreat back into the hole from which she came. Don't leave. That's silly. Straighten your back. Put on a bright scarf, a bright lip gloss, brush your hair and make dinner plans for the four of you!! Be charming, alluring, confident, fearless and in control. In short, be a woman. They are being children! Well, school's in session and they need a lesson! Good Luck!

Answer 4

I'm not so sure I would leave him over this, but you definitely need to get this girl out of the picture. Simply put, if he is doing something he would feel wrong about you seeing, hearing, or reading, then he should NOT be doing it. He knows it as well as you do.
Your feelings are very valid, and your husband needs to know exactly how this makes you feel. Try to talk with him rationally, yes, I know how hard that is when your emotions are high, but it isn't going to be a very successful conversation otherwise. Lay down the law if need be. If you feel you need to leave him until he decides to smarten up and loose the chick, then maybe that is what you will have to do.
Make it clear to him that you are a one woman show. Ask him how he would feel if the tables were turned.

Answer 5

You must feel horrible, but take a few deep breaths. This is not the end of your life but it is your home you're leaving, after the life you've built up.. Don't let some idiotic girl upset you like that. Yes he was totally wrong, as for her--she is just bad news. He ruined your trust, although some men don't see it that way if physical adultery wasn't commited. Tell him you don't know how you feel yet, you don't know what your plans are yet and how you will handle this. If you start crying and yelling you may only make your self sick. If you can--talk to a good pastor, and friends with good values and standards. This may blow over and never happen again-but if he acts like he still wants to talk to her--take him to a marriage counselor, this is a deceitful man but it doesn't mean he wants her. Now, the decision is up to you.

Answer 6

I say go with your gut feeling because more then likely you are right...take it from someone who knows about gut feelings and cheating men. Right now he's gonna lie and say that they are just friends because he has not been caught doing anything that would be classified as cheating. Most men have to be caught red handed in the act in order for them to come clean about what they are doing and some will still try to lie their way out of that. I say follow your instincts, but don't make a move until you know a little more. Just be patient and wait and if he's cheating you will definitely find out because men are stupid and they can't hide much for long.

Answer 7

How did you find out? And how are they keeping in contact? It's hard to judge whether there's anything 'fishy' about this or not unless there are some additional details you're not mentioning.

There is nothing wrong with your husband keeping in contact with an ex girlfriend as long as they are just friends. He probably has a lot of friends that he knew before he met you that he still keeps in contact with, and there is no reason to be threatened by that.

You say at the very end of your question that he lied. How so? Did he actually lie to you about something here, or are you taking it that way because he didn't advertise that this friendship was still going on to you, that he kept it secret so to speak.

It could go either way. If you've demonstrated a lot of jealous and suspicious behavior and given him a hard time for having female friends, then he probably kept his friendship with her 'secret' as a way of avoiding unnecessary conflict with his wife (that doesn't make it the right thing to do, but is understandable).

On the other hand, maybe your gut is right, and if you're not the type of person to be threatened by the fact your husband will have friendships with other females, then it doesn't make a lot of sense to actively hide his friendship with her from you.

Your last sentence alarms me however. To be at the point of wanting to leave a marriage and the committment you made to each other with no proof of anything being wrong doesn't make any sense. It almost sounds as if you're looking for a reason to leave and want it to be his fault. Hopefully that's just you're momentary anger (justified or not remains to be seen) speaking and you actually take your marriage more seriously than that.

I don't defend infidelity in any form, it just seems to me that your reaction is rather extreme since there is no evidence he's done anything wrong (unless there are details you are leaving out in your question). Remember that this is the man you love and your marriage should be worth fighting for, not abandoning because of a momentary 'feeling' that may or may not have any basis in reality.

It's perfectly fair to tell your husband that you're uncomfortable with discovering this friendship and asking him to explain why he felt it necessary to keep it from you. His answer should tell you a lot. You just need more information before jumping to conclusions though.

Answer 8

Its almost always hard to let go of someone that you've had a relationship with....but there are to many phone calls going on not to wonder. How much do you know about this past relationship? Try asking a friend or family member (that you trust) what their relationship was like.
Let him know that you are ready to leave before you make up your mind.
Good luck.

Answer 9

So why could or not it truly is important to instruct infidelity just to get divorced? If he gives you monetary protection now, then a choose could assume him to offer that when divorce. My feeling is he would not have a job and neither do you. He leaves for weeks and would not even call abode to verify on the toddlers? large Dad you chosen on your toddlers. call it quits and concentration on your self and your toddlers. record for divorce so which you would be able to get an order for newborn help for the toddlers and you may start up getting your existence lower back heading in the right direction. Who cares if he's a cheater. he's clearly not a solid husband or a solid father. do not waste from now on time.

Answer 10

Don't make matters worse, please don't leave, I would suggest you get counseling before you leave. Don't ever let a woman take your man-when you leave you are opening the door for someone else to come in. Talk with him and let him know that you are not comfortable with their friendship and want them both to come clean about it because if they want to talk they will continue to do so, my husband had a woman as his best friend before I met him and he immediately introduced me to her and we all went to dinner together and he would always let me know when she called or sent him an email but I later found a card from her and this card said that she loved him and was sad that things didn't work out....I found this card in his camera case stuck down in the bottom and I pretended that I didn't know it was there and when we went to use the camera I pretended as if I just saw it and I asked if I could read it and he said no....frustrated I went outside to get some air and he went downstairs and when he realized I was inthe house he ran up to get the card and tore it up but too late I had already read it.....I never told him I read the card but he just said, I would rather not share the contents of the card with you because you will misread its meaning and it will open a whole can of worms and I would rather we not even discuss it..........I was a little angry but this happened before I came into his life and yes...she would love for us to break up but that is her problem, he is my husband and I love him and I will not let him go...she still calls him from time to time but I let her know.....yes you can talk with my husband because if you don't let them do it...they will do it behind your back and you don't want that........the phone calls used to come every other day now they are only once every two weeks and sometimes once a month.......don't give up ...fight for your man.....good luck:)