My husband is driving me nuts.....?

Question

Yeah, of course I love him. But there are two issues that drive me insane.
a.) He always tunes me out. I will just be talking to him about stuff. Not nagging him to do anything. Just talking to him. Yet when I get done, he says "say that again!" He never seems to hear me. And I don't like repeating myself over and over. I feel disrespected.
B.) He thinks he knows EVERYTHING. He says it all the time. I feel like his child in the way that he treats me alot of the time.
:(
So has anyone felt this way before? What do I do to change things. We have been married 5 yrs, and together 7. (2 kids)

Answer 1

Honestly, he probably does hear you - and it could be for two different reasons that he is responding that way.

One reason is that sometimes it is a control issue. Men like that are usually arrogant, he obviously thinks that he has you right where he wants you. Your not going anywhere so he can treat you however he likes. Some men act as if once you have children with them, as long as they "provide" they really don't have to do much else. You are supposed to take care of the household, the kids, and even work outside the home as well, and tend to his needs. He is supposed to be the King of the Castle and you should not bother him with things as trivial as your needs !!

The other case could be that maybe he just doesn't realize how you are really feeling. It is difficult for men to relate to our emotional needs, because as long as you are home and not fighting with him, and the kids are taken care of, and the house is clean, and he has the remote and his favorite chair, he is happy. They don't understand that we need more of a connection than just being in the same zip code and going through the motions. It is easy to get caught up in the mundane day to day and before you realize it you are just co-existing, not really relating. We feel it way before they do, cuz they have that "if it ain't broke , don't fix it " stance. He could just think that his role it to provide and as long as he is doing that that you must be happy, or you would say so.

Men speak on the average of 300 words a day, where women average 2-3,000. We are much more verbal.

As far as him thinking he knows everything, that as well is a sign of control. If he makes you feel stupid, it makes it easier for him to keep you in your place. Only people who are really insecure have to try to convince others that they know it all. They are always right and everyone else is wrong. If he can diminish your self worth, make you think you can't do anything right, and criticize you to make you think you can't survive without him. He can continue to ignore your needs because your the one who is too stupid to realize how lucky you are to be with him ! He puts you down so that he can ignore your needs, you are supposed to tend to him. If he isn't happy it is your fault, but it you aren't happy it is your fault as well. If he actually admits that you are a value, then you might realize it too. Then you would no longer be willing to settle for a man who ignores you.

The other perspective could just be that he wants to act as if he is strong, and smart and knowledgeable because he thinks it impresses you. You are the one person in his life that he needs to show that he can provide and protect. He may do it so that he can feel like you need him. Men are problem solvers, anytime we discuss things with them, they always think they need to find a solution. Sometimes we just talk, to talk, to feel connected, and he may not understand that you don't need him to solve your dilemmas of the day, you just want to vent and feel heard. You just need him to be interested in what your day was like so you feel as if you are still in this together.

OK - The key to deciding which of the two cases is how he responds to you when you try to talk to him about this issue.

If he isn't deliberately doing it, he will want to understand what he can do to make you feel more valued.

If he is doing it on purpose, as a control, or insecurity thing, he is going to be defensive and not want to talk about it because you should just shut up and be happy. If he actually listens to you, then he may have to take your feelings into consideration. He might have to admit you have a point, therefore empowering you, and that may require him to make some changes. He would never be willing to do that because he has all of the power.


I have been through this situation before. The only thing I can say is you can never change a situation unless both parties feel there is need for change. It sounds to me like he thinks things are fine, or he wouldn't take you for granted.

You can't change someone else, all you can do is change yourself. What you are willing to tolerate, and how you react to his insensitivity. You will eventually decide that you have needs that need to be met, and will get to the point where you will accept nothing less. Either he will be willing to rise to the occasion before it is too late, or he will lose you. Ultimately that will be up to him. You can not make someone value you.

Answer 2

Yes, we have all been there. I think husbands pretend to listen but get bored and only catch key words and tune out the rest. That way they can say they are listening. They don't really listen like a woman would. They are easily distracted by work issues and worries, and sometimes distracted by trivial stuff. Some times my husband has talked down to me like his daughter instead of his wife. Like be home at 11. I make it a point to be late then. I just let him know when he crosses the line, and he does the same to me. Admit it, we women can tune men out and try to act like their moms sometimes too. Just bite your tongue and try not to sweat the small stuff. Try to catch him at a time when you have his full attention. Right after work is a bad time, as they are still mentally at work. Good luck and hang in there.

Answer 3

Interesting maybe it is because half the time you talk to him it is about crap you have already talked to him about. Or he is to busy paying attention to his football game or something on TV. really it is common knowledge that spouses tune each out over time duh what you just figuring that out. Maybe you nag so much that what he thought was doing and he didn't want any part of it. One other thought is maybe you already told him what you were saying and you forgot that you did personally my wife does that all the time married almost 8yrs.
I usually have to remind her that she told me already. This is marriage communication is important so maybe next time sit down and talk without any other distractions this may help. Maybe he has a hard time hearing?. Really start off the conversation by saying there is something very important I need to talk to you about that should get his attention?.

God Bless and Good Luck.

Answer 4

I'd start planning your new career and advancement outside of raising a family, and if he balks about your wanting your interests and a life, he will have pr oven he's nothing but a nagging nasty control freak and he will destroy your soul

That will be your cue to divorce and move ahead with your life and friendships. He is not your friend if he treats you this way, and it actually could possibly be that he has low self esteem and resent his life. He might need a complete psych screening for behavioral and anxiety disorders.

Answer 5

Welcome to married life. There is going to be some conflict between 2 people, no matter what. Take any relationship and they can list 2 problems as well. You are two people, you are not going to be exactly alike. Of course you will have some problems.

Answer 6

Men do have a hard time listening if it is women stuff. They are all like that. Unless you are single and they are trying to sleep with you... then they fake it. If he is like this all the time though that is bad. Try to have conversations about things that also interest him. Some men feel superior to women. I had one like that and I divorced him. He would ignore me even when I was upset. Tell him that if he wants you to care about him, his feelings and what he thinks he should try to give you the same.

Answer 7

Somehow I am finding it hard to believe you do not nag this man who you respect so much that you claim it's affecting your sanity (chicken and egg problem?) on Yahoo Answers.

I got that far in your rant, and then I tuned you out.

Try to have some fun and do something that makes you smile instead.

Answer 8

Just talk to him in a Quiet room (just the two of you) and tell him how you fell about him doing all the things he does you don't like and tell him to change.....my mom had to do this to my dad before

Answer 9

Well i dont know much but you should see someone about this , like a marriage course or something . you should not get divorced because i dont think that would be good on your kids , think of others before yourself mabe things will work out .

Answer 10

Sista, I feel your pain! My hubby is ALWAYS doing the same thing to me. Accept he is playing his video games then asks me "What did you say? Sorry I wasn't listening." Ughhhhhhh! That BUGS ME!! I don't think that they do it to be mean, they are men. They are single minded. Once they are focused on something then they are there. I dunno? (Maybe wear a sexy outfit to talk to him, that would get mines attention! HaHaHa! ) Let me know if you find anything that works, I'll try it if so.