any tips, advice, what do you think?
~~MeMoRiEs DeEp WiTh In Me~~
Memories deep with in me
bound with in my soul
not forgotten, untuched
pulling me ever onward
leading me towards the light,
away from the darkness
its a wound that will never heal
a thought that will always be with me
no matter how hard i try to forget
no matter how much i dont want to remember
i cant relive myself of your existance
i never knew you yet i feel your presence
digging deeper into mysoul
reminding me that i never knew,
that i will never no
even the simpilest of allthings, your name.
Edge of the world
I am standing on the edge, the fierce winds wipping my hair back. looking out onto a never ending landscape. I bet if you dove over the side you would fall forever, there would be nothing to stop you. i am standing on the edge, holding my breath so as not to penatrate the silence with my breathing. it is calm and unchanging, you could stand in the same spot for decades and not see any differnce, thats what makes it so unqie. i am standin on the edge, the edge of the world.
2007-04-06 11:58:38 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
What's up with the title of the first one?
Um, these are teen age poems. Trim the melancholy and find the real poem that is at the center of this onslaught of deeply stated, yet empty verse.
Your poems are like balls of cotton with tiny pips in the middle. Get to the pips because those seeds will grow into real poems.
I would work on learning the craft of the line break. Line breaks control the pacing, rhythm, tension, and sometimes the meaning of a poem. Your first one is mostly end-stopped, very tedious; your second is void of control. Few poems can get away with being a prose poem.
2007-04-06 13:24:31 · answer #1 · answered by Nathan D 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think the second one is somewhat better than the first. Although you have some good material to work with in the first, there is almost nothing original in the phrasing. I do not say that to sound harsh, but you are bordering on cliche with some of the phrases. Try a different way of expressing the ideas. However, I will say that I really liked the last two lines! Again, they could use a little fine-tuning, but the message is good.
Best wishes. :-)
2007-04-06 19:06:42 · answer #2 · answered by Liath 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Filled with a great deal of passion and anxiety, but lacking in the craft of poetry .. needs metaphors/similes, personifications, allusions, alliterations, symbols, but most especially allusions.
it is filled as is much adolescent poetry with feeling but needs more ... but you have an excellent beginning and an outline to make terrific poetry
2007-04-06 19:04:17 · answer #3 · answered by John B 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
The spelling errors are distracting, and the first poem is a bit vague, but the second poem has potential.
2007-04-06 19:17:50 · answer #4 · answered by TessLouise 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would say very passionate, but you are lacking structure, good spelling, and perhaps more interesting words to go along with...other than that, these are great poems.
2007-04-06 19:07:46 · answer #5 · answered by theflame_inside 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
7 out of 5 stars for both, definetely. i can almost picture the feelings it would effect on ur readers. awesome job!
2007-04-06 19:24:35 · answer #6 · answered by jynxpixie 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I dont like it ....I love it !!! u should become an authoer or a poet and publish it I think ypu'll do great !!!
Hope to hear more from u !!!
2007-04-06 19:08:52 · answer #7 · answered by Joanna A 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i really like the first one, however you might want to check your spelling because it gets distracting.
and i like the concept of the second.
good sensory details.
2007-04-06 19:07:09 · answer #8 · answered by shesxalandslide 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
VERY GOOD! I could feel the emotions coming through them. VERY GOOD!
2007-04-06 19:04:01 · answer #9 · answered by EarthGirl 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋