Why does my wife think I'm in love with my x?

Question

Before I met my wife I dated a girl for around 3 ½ years (lived with her for 1 ½, it was a college relationship). We split somewhat amicably, and I focused on work, friends and hobbies for a few months.

After around 6 months I met my wife, dated her for a year, and we’ve been married another 2 years since. We have a pretty great relationship (although she is the jealous type) and we are financially stable. We also have a 3mo old son.

When I first met her I wasn’t completely honest about how long I had dated the last girl, and I didn’t tell her how long I had lived with her. At the time I thought it was the right thing to do, as she had never dated anyone long term before and is from a conservative family so I thought she’d prejudge me.

I was also pretty insensitive and left a few belongings of my x around the house (such as a piece of furniture, and a few pictures), and from time to time would bring up stories from that era related to trips I took or experiences I had.

Prior to getting married I mostly “fessed up” (told her how long I dated the other one and how long I lived with her), made sure everything around the house was gone (I even tossed all the pics of all my numerous past girlfriends, including prom pics), and thought everything was good. For awhile our relationship was great. From time to time I would slip up and mention something about the x (like, oh I went to Sea World a few years ago with so and so), and she’d get really upset and angry at me. I came to the conclusion that I just need to burry my past because it bothers her so much and resist any urge to bring it up.

Then, a year later, I screwed up. I was sitting at work one day and out of the blue searched the x on myspace to view her profile. My wife found out (she reads my email) and there was a big blow out. I apologized and after a few “long talks” she forgot about it and we moved on.

Then for some unknown reason a year later I was again sitting alone bored in my office surfing the web (not good conditions) and decided to search for the x on google, but got no hits. A few months later I did it again only on youtube, but also no hits.

So one day my wife came in to the office and she started searching through my computer history while I was working in the other room. She discovered I had searched on the x, and has been incredibly upset ever since, to the point that we’re considering divorce. She’s convinced I am still in love with the last x and treats me as if I’ve slept with someone else. She brings up the fact that I wasn’t up front when we met, that I left things around the house, that I searched on myspace a year ago, and anything else I’ve ever done to upset her.

I’ve told her the truth, that I selfishly wanted to see if I wound up more successful than the x, and that even though I didn’t find any info on her I won’t do it again, but it’s a lost cause. Now she’s posting threads on websites like this telling her story with lots of bitter women chiming in and telling her “he’s a liar dump him” and “he still loves his x”, and we’re both miserable. I’d like to save the marriage because it’s great otherwise and I’m worried about our son, but I’m starting to just give up.

How can I convince her that I’m not still in love with the x (who is now around 4 years removed)? Am I total tool for typing the x’s name in myspace or google?

Answer 1

Okay...here it goes. Your wife never had a relationship that was serious. You are the only one she has ever comitted to, and she made that BIG comittment to you. She is also the only one YOU made that BIG comittment too. You did, however, have an adult relationship that did have a comittment of its own and probably at one time a plan of a future. She is jealous of those feelings you had for another woman. You are her one and only and she wants to be your one and only. She is...but your actions have confused her. She equates your searches as interest in being with the ex.

A lot of people do searches like you have. It isn't because they want to be back with the ex, but because they are just curious. There are also a lot of people who really are interested and still carry a torch for the ex. You can find a lot of questions from people like that right here. Your wife knows of people like this, and I imagine she also has had moments of her own curiosity, even if she has never had a relationship quite a serious as yours. Sometimes we just wonder "Whatever happened to...?" and we can wonder it about exes, old teachers, old friends, and coworkers. It doesn't mean we want them. It is just that people have all made impacts in our lives...it is normal to wonder what is up with them sometimes. Even when we look up a favorite music group or actor from our past...it is just about curiosity not desire.

Anyway...you need to really focus on her. Tell her and show her how she is THE love of your life. She is the woman YOU want to be with forever. She is the mother of your child and you adore her and appreciate her. Apologize for how these searches made her feel. You probably cannot point out all the changes you have made and pictures you have thrown out (which honestly I think was unnecessary -- I have never requested that from my fiance), but I think you kind of need to realize you aren't guilty of something awful here. You did a search. You have a wife who is jealous and who probably needs a lot of validation. I don't know why that is. You can do your part by not doing things you know that bring it out, but really there may be a lot of eggshells in the future. She sounds like she needs a lot of reassurance.

Good luck.

Answer 2

Although the ex is out of the picture that does not mean that you don't have feelings for her. If you did not why are you trying to find her on the Internet. If you had found her on You Tube what would you have done next? You might not of have called her but she is obviously still in your thoughts. As a married woman I understand why your wife would get jealous. On the other hand your wife should be more trusting and not have searched through your e-mails. It's like if she is trying to find something. TRUST is the most important thing in a relationship. I know that you know this but if you think about it the trust was broken after she found out the first time. After the first time she read your emails then it was only a matter of time before she would find something again. If the shoe was on the other foot how would you have felt? Maybe your wife is wondering what was so special about your ex that you could not and have not let go after 3-4 years. Try attending counseling. It's going to be hard at first but your wife really needs to work on trusting you again. Although you might feel as if you did nothing wrong reassure her that it was innocent web surfing then work on gaining your wife's trust again

Answer 3

JEALOUSY MAKES WOMEN UNATTRACTIVE.
At first I was thinking it was post pardum blues. However, from what you write it sounds like someone else I know. She is way too insecure. It's ******** that she checks your emails. Is there no trust? When your partner doesnt trust you, and you've never given them a reason not to........it's trouble. Sooner or later it's going to turn you off and any feelings will fizzle. I've had it happen.
If she can't trust your explanations, there's a problem. Furthermore, I myself, have been in conversation with my boyfrined and I'll tell a story related to the conversation that involves my past boyfriend and sometimes he would accuse me of the same thing. Other times he wouldnt care. I listen to him no problem talk about how awesome "the cruise" he took a few years back. Or a story that his x happens to be in. BIG DEAL! It's his past. He's not with her, he's with me.
It's part of your past. If stories that are obvious that you x was part of, even if you dont bring her name up, bother your wife...............she needs help.
You can't wipe out your life becasue stories of adventures you have to tell were during a past relationship.
Insecurity is an ugly thing.
Right now she's probably super irritable because she had a baby. So encourage her to go walking./ If you both take on something new, maybe it will help. Also, if she has never worked out and insecure of prettier women there's a solution.
If she starts excercising or doing something that makes her feel good............confidence will build and so will sex drive.
You're a patient man.

Answer 4

There is nothing wrong with not telling everything to your partner. Those that ask and those that dont want to hear that you had a life before them need not be in your life.
Your wife isnt just jealous shes being a very spoiled little *****. So what you look up your ex out of curiosity. I don't see anything wrong with that.
You both married and had a child now thats all that matters now. If she wants out of the marriage then let her. Evidently thats what she wants. Shes on a poor, pittiful woe is me deal. (Gags thinking about her stupid ****!)
I'm sure she wasn't a virgin when you two got married so its not like she doesn't have a past. So why should you not have one?
Get your son and move away from there and leave that crazy *** woman to sit and people think shes so mistreated. Tell her on the way out the door tell her you want out! Heres your chance ! Then go, don't let her abuse you anymore. That ought to bring her back in to the present. Best of luck to you!

Answer 5

Yeah, you are a bit of a tool for searching for your ex...he he. you know what they say, Curiosity killed the cat. And it was a little insensitive to have all the reminders of the ex about, but you did the right thing and they are gone now.
Not once in your question do you mention how much you love your wife.....maybe that is all she is looking for. She just needs you to tell her how very much she means to you and also (and I think this is the important bit) she needs to hear that you love her way more than you ever loved the ex.
Yes it is sad that you were not totally honest with her, but realisitically, who is at the beginning of a relatinship....sometimes you just dont know how somethings going to go, and once it starts getting serious, you get caught up in your lies and dont know whether to tell the truth. It is good that it is all out in the open.
I think the time has come to sit down with your wife, tell her what you are feeling......and then act on what you say. Forget about looking for the ex, I am sure she has moved on by now. You have a family.......which also probably explains some of her insecurities, it is hard to feel loveable when you are 8 months pregnant and feeling like a beached whale, and I can understand how finding out your husband is searching for an ex while you are a whale, would hurt! God I would feel like you didnt like what you were seeing with me so are looking for something better!
Anyway, good luck with it all. Be good to your wife!

Answer 6

From some of the things you said here, if I were your wife I might find myself feeling the same way. Also searching for them on the computer wasn't much of a help for her to know you did it. If your being totally honest about why you did it, why would you really care who was the most successful of the two? Why give it much thought? Sometimes we can still have some feelings and deny them hoping they go away. Talking about an ex with a wife or husband only adds fuel to the fire. Women tend to let our minds get carried away with us, especially when it comes to someone who has been with our husband. Actions will speak louder than words, so if you want to stop this never google the x or speak of her again, this way it will help your wife. Tell her you love her without hearing her say it first, the small things mean a lot to us women.

Answer 7

Ive read both sides and my advice to her was that its not a big deal. Im sure she wonders about an ex. I do, and I hate them. I told her in my comment that curiosity killed the cat, dont let it kill your marriage. Ive been divorced, with kids, and it sucks. Couples work through worse than this. I was just like her in my first marriage, held stupid stuff over his head. So I divorced him. The stuff I went through being single was 20 times as bad. I thought I had it rough. You did mess up, cuz we need to feel like we are the only one. But do your best to make it up to her. However, it takes two. Ask her if she wants to try with you. You didnt cheat, so she needs to never bring it up again if she wants to make your marriage work. Ask her if you got divorced and when your son grows up and asks why you divorced, will she really have a good enough reason, or is he going to think she's crazy???? I hope it works out for the two of you. And stay off of the computer!!!! lol I hope that you will let us know what happens.
FYI...you can delete history on your computer too, whats wrong with you!!!

Answer 8

You are the reason she acts the way she does. The sicken part is... how you say you messed up the first time and then turn around and did it again and again. I would leave you too. If you are that nosy about what your ex is up to, then there is something still there. Why is it any of your business what she is doing, she does not want you. Now because of your inability to control your urges,your wife is heart broken. You guys just don't get the fact, when God made us, he gave us a hidden radar and you men keep trying to fly below the signals, but it keep picking up on you all bull crap. Get a life and leave your ex and the memory of her alone.

Answer 9

I have to say that you have dug a pretty deep hole for yourself. Not an impossible one but pretty deep and wide it seems.

If you really want to save your marriage you need to be completely and totally honest with not only her but yourself.

I noticed that you wrote that you "fessed up" for the "most part" but what is it that you are still hiding?

You unfortunately have not created a warm comfortable feeling of trust and honesty to this point. You lied when you got together, you did multiple things to find your ex and didn't tell your wife.

I personally think that she truly has no reason to seach your computer but then again she has come up with a gold mine each and every time eh?

Earning her trust and confidence back is going to be a long, hard, difficult and frustrating road. Not an impossible one by any means but if you truly have NEVER cheated on her, will never hide things or lie to her again she will see by your actions that you are sincere.

I find it funny that you say she is the jealous type yet you have given her multiple reasons to be that way. Try and look at it as a positive since it is partially an attitude of your own making. She loves you enough to be concerned but realize that within that concern is insecurity that is rightfully gained by your past actions.

If you for some reason want to know about your ex you need to be able to say that to your wife. But then again why do you care? If the relationship is over then it needs to be over.

When you say that you and your ex split amicably what does that mean? I guess what I am getting at is that there were reasons you two are not together now. Time tends to fade the negatives and we do get a "rose colored glasses" view of past loves.

Do you love your wife? Tell her and show her! Do you want to stay married forever? Tell her and show her!

This will not be an easy nor a quick fix. You have a lot of trust and respect to regain. Like my Grandmother used to always say "If you have to hide it or lie about it you shouldn't be doing it!"

Ask your wife what she needs from you and give it!

Your son deserves a happy loving trust filled home. Provide it!

If you need outside assistance get it. If you think that you and your wife would benefit from counseling then you should initiate it. That way she knows just how important this is to you and that you really mean what you say when you say you want to make it work with her.

Besides that just love her with all of your heart, give her all of the reassurances that you can think of and never, never, never lie or hide anything from her again!

Good luck!

Answer 10

Your wife needs to understand that you come with a past and that makes part of who you are today. I don't think that you should have to hide your past, you had good times and you should be able to enjoy the memories.As long as you don't step out of boundaries why can't you be friends with your ex. I have been divorced for years, and I am friends with my ex and all of his new ladies( he is going on wife number three). She needs to take a look at herself and see why she acts the Way she does. If you ask me snooping in computer and reading your email is pretty bad. If you love her hang in there and maybe get some professional help,can't hurt. Good Luck