Did you or do you find your mother difficult?

Question

My mother was domineering and put me under psychological pressure to conform to her way of thinking, and would throw a wobbley (ie a nervous breakdown) if I did something she disapproved of. She's dead 8 years but I still hear her voice in my ear!

Answer 1

I definately have in the past! And even still do, occasionally. Parent seem to have that way of getting under your skin, don't they?

I, along with a lovely therapist, worked on simultaneously building empathy for my mom, and working through the damage that she did. I started seeing my mom as a person, who was hurting, and raised by parents that didn't really care about her--I saw that she was trying to do a good job, and had NO idea how. Seeing her in that way, made her human, and not my MOTHER/authority figure/end all be all to who I am as a person.

Next we worked through the hurt. It sounds like your mom was trying to control you, and because she was afraid of something. Take, for example, a woman who was told that a woman with tattoos was a ****, or worse. Maybe she had wanted one, but became very afraid of it, or saw the judgementalness of others. Then 20 years later, her daughter comes home saying she wants a flower on her hip, and the woman flashes back to the emotions that she doesn't want to fall upon her daughter. Now, any conversation is now emotionally charged, and when the daughter doesn't immediately cooperate, everything's heightened, she tries to tighten control through pressure and the snowball effect becomes very apparent. (I went through this with a nose piercing, actually.) So in those exchanges there is generally a common theme. Something she took from you. Dignity, maybe, or freedom or confidence. And now you have this recording in your head saying that people don't respect you, or if you do this or that, you're stupid or irresponsible, or whatever your specific recording may be.

Reject it. Tell it No, and push it away. She was a woman. A hurt woman, another human being who was trying to figure it out. Nothing she said or did reflects who you truly are. Create affirmations that say the opposite. You might not believe them yet, but it takes time to counter the recording. Write them out, say them to yourself in your car, in the morning when you're washing your face, place them where you can see them. Reject the recording and then say your affirmation. Saturate yourself with them until the recording goes away.

Good luck, friend. We've all been there.

Answer 2

yup i find my mum tiring, she is always menapausal or as it seems since i was 8 so its been 15 yrs now and i feel totally ill when i hear her voice coz she is always screaming and shouting even when she speaks. its sad really, cloz thats not the way to live and she, like every1 deserves a better life but her illnesses have made her like that. she is my mum and i love her but only if she was a better mother i.e. more of a mother to me than a woman who screams and shrieks at anything that moves, then life would be soooo much better :'( makes me cry all the time and i dont even like coming home either coz of that. thats the 1st thing i hear, her screaming voice :(

Answer 3

MY mother has always been pretty quick at putting me on the right track, she still tells me to watch my weight, not sit up so late at night, stop smoking, the list is endless!

But despite my often annoyances, I still like to show her my latest painting, or successful project, and wait for the praise!

Our relationship seems never to have changed really, while she is around, I am always her little girl! She is 8O and I will be 6O in July How lucky am I ???

Answer 4

i vowed to never be like my mother and have tried very hard to do the opposite. Our parents teach us by example, either a good example or a bad example. If we have had a bad example that has caused us pain, then we learned what NOT to do. Consider it a great big lesson in what not to do and try to your best to take a more understanding approach in your current relationships. When you hear her voice, tell her that you love her, but you need to make your own decisions now.

Answer 5

My mother was not so much difficult, just very emotionally detached from us. Growing up I could never talk to her about anything, and she never explained things like sex and normal experiences of growing up to me, it was all seen as innapropriate for her to talk about. And my dad was never home, so I sort of lacked any parental guidance and support. As an adult with my own kids, I have vowed not to be that way. I am very open and honest to my kids about everything. I want them to know that Mom will always support them, and they can always come to me with any questions about life.

At the moment, I have a good relationship with her, though. Over time, after growing up, I have come to realize that I can't figure her out, and why she was the way she was. I have just chosen to love her now, because she is my mom. Maybe I'll never understand it, but all I know is that she gave birth to me, and raised me, she has to have some love in there for me. Thinking this way has allowed me to remove all anger about how I was raised, and to see her as a person who needs love, too, just like everybody else.

Answer 6

Can I ever sympathize - it's so bad I avoid my brothers and sisters because they remind me of the horrors of childhood. My mother was domineering, controlling and it wasn't until she died that I found out about educational scholarships and 1 fellowship I was kept from. She may have been exceedingly well accomplished in the workplace but as a mother she failed. I can only hope I do a better job in spite of her.

Answer 7

Hi Norah. My mother was not severe, but her husband was trying to rule our lives. I suffered a lot from this, even after, and as a consequence I lost self confidence and courage. Now after a long time, I found out I was a free grown up after all...it is a matter of time and maturity, be patient, be zen, rely on your friends, lovers, they'll give you strength.

Answer 8

Answer: I had a father who was the mirror image of your mother.

Both my brother and I still hear that 'challenging' voice, "You can do better than that" ~ and he's been dead 20 years.


Sash

Answer 9

My mum was kinda like that but she had her problems. Shes dead 2 years in October and i miss her no matter what she was like. She was always putting me and my kids first.

Answer 10

My mother and i have always got on we have the odd disagreement but we always make up
My mother is79 years old and is also my best friend i can tell her anything