My husband's past relationship affecting my marriage?

Question

I've been married for 2yrs. When my husband & I dated, he was only single for a few mos. from a 4yr relationship that ended amicably. While we were dating, there were always things in the house that belonged to the ex (reminding me of her), from a framed picture, pics, furniture, tools, so I kept my mouth shut & ignored them but when we become serious, I became very upset that he was still holding on to the stuff so he asked her to go pick them up. Also, I was bothered he wasn't very forthcoming about the ex. He only admitted that instead of 1.5years, he was with the ex 4yrs, after we got married. He was also only about 6mos broke up with her when he met me, instead of 9-10 that he initially claimed. Recently, he admitted that they lived together in another house and our existing house was something that was under BOTH of their names but he bought her share out. These are some facts that he covered but he finally told truth since I was always suspicious since he'd tweak the story a bit

or he would claim he "forgot" even if he didn't.

Recently, I found out through his internet history that he searched for her name on youtube in his office computer (we went to his office one weekend). I was very upset since he did the same thing a year ago on myspace under a different name and I caught him and made it clear it hurt me. He admitted he has done a search on google about 4x the past year because he was "curious" what happened to her and it wasn't to contact her. Although I am at fault for being nosey and checking his internet history, what do you think of my situation? I am very hurt and my trust level is really affected that all we do is bicker about this and the things he has done that has now made me not only angry but very insecure.

Please advice, thanks. Serious answers only. Thanks for reading.

He did the goolge search possibly during my pregnancy and the youtube one few weeks after I gave birth.

Answer 1

Oh yeah... That's a likely excuse, "I was just wondering what happened to her. I wouldn't contact her." What a load of bull. We all have ex's. That's what they are and that's what they should stay... Ex's. Unfortunately you never know, he may already have contacted her. I would ask him one last time and let him know how it makes you feel. If he did contact her or plans to contact her he can at least tell you. You are his wife and you have EVERY right to know what he's doing. Just like he has every right to know what you are up to. If he lies to you and you find out I'd would leave him for sure.

Answer 2

The last detail - that you have a child together - makes it important that you seek marital counseling together. It's easy to make the case that he's flirting with the idea of renewing an acquaintance with her, even if it's only one-sided and she doesn't know about it (on the Internet)! You seem to forget that she has a brain too and probably could be smart enough to never renew the relationship. Yes, they had a lot together. You've chipped away at that the most you can. At some point you are going to realize (if you haven't already) that there is no rein short enough for someone you don't trust. Have you seen the title to your house? Have you talked to a lawyer and are you knowledgeable about the ownership of your own house? He says he bought her share out. Was it made clear legally that the house is no longer partly hers?
You are suspicious about him tweaking a story. Prepare to always be suspicious unless you make some major repair in your trust for him. If you want to keep your marriage together, you have to be partners... you can't be his mom, reading his mail, checking his Internet history, asking who he's calling on the phone, etc. It will just get worse so get started fixing your marriage now, together.
By the way, I don't cheat on my husband but I do look up old boyfriends by googling them! Because I regard them as friends first, old boyfriends second and I have no intention of contacting any of them! I found a blog of an old boyfriend that was certainly a trip down memory lane to read - really fun and nice to know that he turned out pretty much the way I always imagined he would. And I learned about how his daughter turned out, which made me very happy. It's not all seedy, this googling!

Answer 3

Honey, only you know what to do, if he is lying then he will never change, but remember he could have thought that telling you about the house would have only caused problems, we sometimes think well they won't find out. Give your husband a chance to see if he is just trying to keep problems down or if he is lying to you. The internet thing needs to stop, I think sometimes the internet hurts marriages because of the things we can look up, we shouldn't do anything we wouldn't want the other to see, because more than likely it will come back and bite you in the bu__. Men are not like us, they don't see the big deal in having a few pictures or whatever around.

Answer 4

Wow, well I am sorry that he has been lying to you and hurting your feelings. I can forgive white lies, as I have told them myself. These I guess are far more serious. He doesn't seem to have moved on, he is still holding on to her for some reason. I don't know why he got married if he can't let go of her. Your not in the wrong. If you want this marriage to work at all, I believe you need counseling soon. You have a baby too, so you have to think of the future and your baby deserves two devoted parents and happily married at that. Its not right for him to conveniently tell you what he thinks is ok. I pray for you, and hope that things go well. If money is an issue you can go to your church and ask them to refer you to a counseling service that will not be judge mental and will look at all of the facts objectively and try to give you a solution that will help you both.

Answer 5

Girl, we need to talk!!! I just got married and I have found out things that my husband lied about too. And I wanted to leave him. I was very mad and at times I use it against him. But....having said that. I am no angel. I wonder about ex's that I hated. Remember that curiosity killed the cat!! Dont let it kill your marriage. No one is perfect. If you expect perfection you will have to stay single, believe me!! I have dated A LOT!! I realize this is a sore subject with you, but can you say that you've never wondered about an ex?? If you could have a lunch just to visit with an ex, would you if you were sure your husband would never find out?? Sure you would!!! Everyone deserves some privacy. Now if you found emails that invoved flirting or more, then you better start listing the pros and cons of your marriage. You can email me if you'de like. Hope this helps, and good luck!!

Answer 6

Long term relationships are very hard to get over and forget. Feelings and memories will always be there. That doesn't mean he is not capable of loving you in an even greater capacity. He probably didn't tell you the details about his relationship because it was still so raw for him then. Maybe he knew you to be a jealous person. He did tell you though. He may have kept their stuff around but he did get rid of it for you. He made a life long commitment with you and not her. Curiosity about people who were once in your life is a natural thing. Heck I look up ex boyfriends from high school, not because I'm pining away for them, but just curious about where they are in life. I would look at it from a different perspective. I would look at it like she probably really hurt him and with your love he's finally over it and is able to finally speak of it. He's opening up to you, don't shut the door because you don't like it. If you can't get past this then you seriously need counseling before your marriage disintegrates.

Answer 7

Go get a marriage counselor right away! Tell him enough is enough. Do not put up with any of his excuses for any reason. he has some unsolved issues here and he needs to clean them up! He has no reason being married and committed to you to be wondering and curious about anything she is doing! He is disrespecting you and allowing you to think the worst. He has no bussiness upsetting the life he choose to share with you.This is a woman he had a past with and someone he had sex with. Tell him this is unacceptable to you and he is to never do it again.........and we will seek proffessinal counsel over it because I mean it. Tell him not to argue this disscusion with you and you already have the two of you an appointment. There is a trust issue here and it is hurting the marriage.Witholding information is the same as lying.........you don't care what his intent was or is it's going to stop and it's going to stop here and now. He dosn't need to tempt himself with an ex-lover. You are his wife.

Answer 8

I'm kinda in the same boat, so I'm hurting for you. With me, it's all about respect and honesty, and he's not giving you either one. I know men and women think differently, but I feel that he should have been honest with you from the start. However, if he's like my hubby, he did it so you wouldn't be upset or wonder if anything was going on. I'm from the other end of the spectrum--be honest with me up front and then I'll KNOW that nothing is going on. Talk to him (cause I plan on talking to mine tonight and settling our problems once and for all, come what may). Lay down the ground rules and stick to them. I look at it this way, though, if he has lied about her before, who's to say he won't lie again? I figure he'll just be more careful about his searches and any contact with her. But, if he knows your marriage is on the line and you mean business, and if you mean as much to him as you should, he won't be upset that you demand he stop any and all contact with/about her; he will honor your wishes. I hope he (and my husband) understand that without trust (and it doesn't sound like me or you trust our husbands), there is no marriage. If he can't respect you any more than that, get yourself a good divorce lawyer. Good luck!

Answer 9

He married you, not her, look to the future, not the past. If your husband is always where he should be, comes home to you, is a good husband, then why ruin what you have with him now over someone in his past? You are underestimating his love for you and feeling he still has feelings for her. He was with her 4 years, it only took him 6 months to marry you. Does not that tell you something? She is the one that should be jealous not you. Please do yourself a favor and stop tormenting yourself over this ex of his. He had a past, this was before he met you. Most women and men have to put up with our love one having an ex, it would be unrealistic of a person to think our loved one did not have some kind of life before. You get reasurance by building your love and trust in him, you are doing the opposite and sooner or later it will be YOU not HER that plants that seed in his mind about his ex. Not wanting to be cruel only trying to help you over a problem that does not have to be. Insecurity and neediness is very unappealing to men. Best of luck to you!

Answer 10

After reading that, it seems like he meant for your relationship to be a rebound, but for whatever reason, it turned into a marriage (one reason could be genuine love for you). It sounds like he still has some un-dealt with feelings for her. The only advice I can give is to talk to him about it. Get it all out in the open and go from there. You may need a professional counselor to help you deal with your hurt feelings and his unresolved feelings.
It doesn't seem like this is irreparable, if you are both willing to put in the effort to rebuild your relationship and you are willing to forgive the lies and he's willing to be completely honest with you about everything from now on. People do strange things when their lives are about to change sometimes. The eminent birth and actual birth are major life altering events.
I wish you luck and I hope it works out for the two of you.

Answer 11

{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}} It's natural to wonder why the ex in his life is still someone he's wondering about, even just wondering where she is and what she is doing. He needs to understand how much this is hurting you. He doesn't need this woman in his life anymore, he doesn't need to wonder what she's doing, where she is, and what life has dealt her. They've split. If they had children it would be different, but as you mentioned no children, I will hazard a guess there are none in the picture. Let him know how much this hurts you, and let him know that you fully believe he doesn't want to hurt you, and that this obsession with his ex has got to go because it isn't healthy for him, her, and especially not you. I wish I could give you a hug, as you're right, it not only causes hurt, but insecurity, and security is the NUMBER ONE thing a woman seeks out in a relationship. A man, it's respect, maybe gently remind him of that. Wish you all the best!