Can an abusive Man change & become respectful & quit the abuse?

Question

I ahve been in an emotionally, physically, & sometimes even sexually abusive relationship for the past 18 month. I have stayed because unlike him, I can see past his behavior & know that his flawed actions are a result of the life he has lived. No I am not making excuses, I made an honest effort to uinderstand that what has happened to me was not my fault & that I am not responsible. I made an honest attempt to Understand everybody & this relationship & have come to the conclusion that it is best for me to leave. My decision is firm but I am full of doubt about it because I am not for certain that he will be like this forever...I love him, I care about him (yes I do) but I want him to become a better person in rder for me to be with him. So my question is can a man that seems to lack emotion, compassion, considerance, a man that is abusive, can they change? & never Ever do it again? Or are they who they are now at 22 for the rest of their lives?

Answer 1

Good for you! This may be the wake-up call he needs. Abusive men can change, only they have to see they have a problem. If he doesn't see it, and doesn't believe it, he WILL NOT change.
He needs professional help to deal with whatever happened in his life to make him this way. Offer to go with him. You can't love him enough to change him.
It's great that you understand that it's not you, but constant abuse can eat away at you, until you start to question yourself. Just because you can see past the abuse to who he really is, you have to question...is he really a loving man, or is this angry person who he really is?

You've made the right decision, without question.
Unfortunately, doubt will haunt you for a while. When you do leave make it clear to him that you really do love him, and it's hurting you as well, but you just can't live like this anymore.

Consider this...if you have children with him, how will he handle the stress of that? Will he abuse them as well? Absolutely.

I'm so sad for you. Breaking up with someone when you really love them is one of the hardest things to do.
Good luck, and stay strong.

Answer 2

Listen, it is never your fault. however, you are responsible to GET OUT of the relationship your in. Just because YOU can see past his behavior doesn't make up for him to to do and act the way he does with you. I'm sure you do or think you love him, but the question is, do you love yourself? He obviously doesn't love you. Why would you even settle for something like that? NOBODY deserves to be put through that, NOBODY. Think of your self and think of your family, your parents brought you in to this world not to be treated by someone like that. Besides, who the hell does this guy think he is? YOU need to get a hold of yourself and leave. Stay strong. This guy doesn't own you. There is no such thing as that. Also, who cares if he changes or not. Don't let it become your problem. Life is too short. ENJOY it and be happy (without him)

Answer 3

Well, I can speak from experience. I had a father who was verball and emotionally abusive, and a an ex bf who was verbally abusive and (tried) to be physically abusive. The answer to your question is NO. People don't change and if they do it's on a temporary basis. It's time you got out of that siutation. No matter how much you see and understand his situation, you have to find a way to move on. He's not going to change and become a better man. If it was a woman, she wouldn't either. When my ex from way back when acted like that, I decided I'd had enough and started to get my ducks in a row. I found an apartment and moved out of his, and started doing my own thing. It was the best thing I ever did for myself.

I wouldn't discuss this with him, it will aggravate the situation. Start your planning and stand your ground. If and when he does find out, go with it and be honest as to why you're moving on. He doesn't have to like it. But you do deserve a BETTER LIFE. Good luck!!

Answer 4

Honey-get out of the relationship please! I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and all that did was bring my self-esteem down. If you love someone he/she won't hurt you intentionally. I understand that u may have feelings, but don't u want to be safe, happy, and be free to be yourself without walking on egg shells. Sure that man can change-but only if he wants to. If you leave, he will realize what good thing he had. I once heard that it is better to have chemistry to compatibility-Chemistry is how YOU feel your relationship fits. If you're not happy leave-u deserve so much better. The only way this man can become better is thru the hands of GOd. U have to look at people for who they are now-not at how they'll be in the future (which we women often look at what our man could become). Reality is: look at the facts. Do u want to live this way for the rest of ur life giving, giving, giving and never receiving ultimate love? Or do u want the best that is out there for you-the man that will cherish u, love you, won't abuse u, and totally enjoy u without trying to change u? I think u want the latter.

Answer 5

I can't understand why women are attracted at all to such a man? It is a sad truth that if a man is abusive in front of a group of women, many will find him attractive. I once read: these are the same qualities that make a woman hate a man that once attracted her to him (foul tongue, pervert behavior, 'pickup' art are a few examples of such qualities). I let it to the readers (and you) to decide the truth of the statement (but my belief will remain firm irrespective of how the world feels about it). It is also a reality that really nice guys are almost never really treated nicely. I know these words are harsh but I also feel the pain for the women who feels affection for the type of men in question and later regret. (I personally know a couple of women.)

I have never seen any person to bring a drastic change in his behavior. A dog's tail is straightened as long as it is put inside a (straight) pipe. Please note that I have attempted only to bring you to the light and never to put you down. Best wishes, S.

Answer 6

You've made a firm decisions but you're full of doubt??????...not so firm I fear.

Get out of there. And FYI - RARELY do abusive men change...some FEW who recognize their problems and enter intensive therapy and continue to 'check' themselves CAN modify their behavior...It is unfortunately not a case of the man 'saying' he will change .... abuse only escalates.........and it can lead to death - which it does - far too often....or don't you read the papers or listen to the news?

BTW- YOU should get some battered woman counseling yourself - you have stayed way too long with way too much rationalization going on....

ASK yourself WHY do you 'love' him> What is there to love in a man that "seems to lack emotion, compassion, considerance, a man that is abusive..."

LOVE is a mature emotion and one that is based on mutual respect, affection, consideration etc. It is NOT what you have or what you feel.

Answer 7

Yes, a person can change, But, why would you want to wait around to find out if he does or not? At this point, he is grown and it it pretty much who he is. The real issue is WHY would YOU stay in a situation that is emotionally and physically abusive????? You need to get out and be by yourself for a while. A question you need to really ask is: Why do I have such low self esteem? If you can find the answer to that, it will change your life for the better!

Answer 8

Man sounds like we dated the same guy. Went through the same thing for 17 months. Only to find out from his ex it wasn't an isolated incident with me. People can only change if they realize they need to change. Mine believed he was well rounded and centered. There is nothing you can do.
This isn't a character flaw that should be seen past.
The reason you are riddled with doubt, is because you care about him and it may not have been bad with him all the time. The good spells give you false hop that things will be different. Which it never is. This will continue. Free yourself.

Answer 9

In all honesty I don't see why not. Although being abusive is harder to overcome than some things, I don't see how it's any harder to stop being abusive than... stop smoking per say.

But, I won't say it's going to be easy for him to stop, because it won't. If he wants to stop and if he wants to become a better person then you're getting somewhere, but if not - then he can't change.

I agree and understand where you're coming from with the leaving and yet wanting to understand someone, I am the same. I find it hard to let go because I always want to improve people, help them... but if it's bad and you decide to get out, go the whole way and hopefully one day he'll change.

Don't be pushed around, you have a right to be happy.

Good luck :)

Answer 10

Sweetheart..I hate to tell you..but you need to make a plan and leave. It is not up to you to see if he turns out to change his life around. He doesn't respect you and obviously does not respect himself.
I have only known one abuser to ever stop hitting. He put my mother in the hospital multiple times before she divorced him. He did remarry and although he did not hit this woman he was controlling and mentally abusive as well as verbally abusive.
You need to make a plan. You need to find a way to escape.
No MAN is worth losing your life over. It doesn't get better from here, it gets worse. Until one day you wake up and don't even recognize yourself anymore.
Remember, when a woman chooses to leave a man is the most DANGEROUS time for her. Don't overestimate the law, don't underestimate your boyfriend. Be smart.
Leave...before he decides for you whether you are fit to live another day on this earth.
Best of luck girlfriend. Be careful.