My boyfriend just came out to me and told me that a few years ago he was in a relationship with another male.
It freaked me out alot, but with a little bit of research I found out that alot of men who were in a same sex relationship, were abused as children. I asked him if he was, and he said his older cousin abused/raped/molested him repeatedly as a child. He took an AIDS/HIV test and everything is clean, but something in the back of my mind is worried he'll fall back in love with a man when he's with me...he thinks I'm being ridiculous, but I always thought that being bi just meant having sex with men and women. Curious to know if anyone had this experience before, how we can help each other, and help me realize that he loves ME.
2007-04-06 08:52:52 · 13 answers · asked by LiL JoJo Sneakers 1 in Society & Culture ➔ Cultures & Groups ➔ Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender
First, you should be proud of your boyfriend for having the guts to a) come out to you and b) to tell you about childhood abuse. And you should feel honored that he trusted you enough to share so much of himself with you. It takes an incredible amount of courage to admit both an attraction to men AND sexual abuse as a child. Sounds like your boyfriend must trust and love you tremendously.
That being said, it also sounds like he really cares about you and here's why: 1) he voluntarily admitted a prior relationship with another guy, 2) he admitted to previous sexual abuse, 3) he took an HIV test, 4) he is with YOU and not someone else!
If he cares that much about you, why are worried that he will "fall back in love with a man"? Is he any more likely to fall in love with another man than with another woman??? Just because he's bi-sexual it doesn't mean he NEEDs to have sex with both men and women. Sounds to me like he's made his choice and it's you.
However, continuing to obsess over his prior abuse and prior relationships could end up driving the two of you apart. Let the past be the past and accept him for who he is. If he says he loves you, believe him. Love is not constrained by sexual preference!
2007-04-06 09:28:13 · answer #1 · answered by ? 1 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Why are you more worried about him going off to another male than another female? In every relationship, no matter how long you've been together, you will always have at least a small fear that your partner could cheat or run off on you with someone else. So why does it bother you more that it could be with a male? Your fears are probably irrational, and to me its really offensive that you think that bi-sexuality is caused by something. That because he could love another man that that must mean he was abused or molested. Not every person that is bi/gay/lesbian has been abused or molested and there are a lot of straight people out there who have been abused/molested. That type of thinking is very closed-minded if you ask me. My husband and I are both bi and I'm no more worried about him going off with another man than another woman and vice versa; he's no more worried that I'll go off with another female than another male. Oh, and one other thing, you guys should have both been tested for all STD's before starting your relationship sexually, he should not have had to have been tested for AIDS just because you found out that he had gay sex, that's also a very ignorant way of thinking. Every person who is sexually active is at risk of STD's not just men who have sex with other men. Ugghhhh! Everything about your question and your way of thinking disgusts and offends me!
2007-04-06 09:08:06 · answer #2 · answered by summer_00_butterfly 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You need to think what do YOU want in life. Maybe you love each other, but it seems clear that you're afraid of what could happen. Being dumped for a guy would be really shocking for you. If you think you cannot give him everything he wants, then my advise is that you break up with him now that it isn't too late. Or at least, you guys should take a break for you to clear up your mind. Personally, I don't think I could deal with a bf like that, specially when he didn't told you the truth from the start.
2016-04-01 00:57:17 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Being a gay man in a 20 year same-sex relationship, who was molested as a child, I have an opinion.
If your boyfriend was with a man and he was apparently enjoying it, then I think you are right in questioning his motives in your relationship. I live in a small town in the South, were it would have been much easier to have a wife and have a fling on the side with a man, as many people I know have done. Being molested has little to do with his being with a man, as most men who are molested hate gay people, even though it was straight men who molested them most of the time.
He really needs to go to counseling by himself and with you, to decide what he really wants. You need the security that counseling can provide. He will be resentful, hateful and distant most likely as he goes through this, if you can survive it he could make you a great spouse.
I went through counseling only a few years ago because it was starting to cause me really severe anger problems, which is fairly common to people molested as children later in life. It helped to talk to someone, who is not judgmental and has no bones to pick with them.
2007-04-06 09:09:35 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
Well, first of all, calm down a few minutes and take some deep breaths please. If YOU are that nervous about what he may or may not do, then I would suggest some counseling for the both of you. In fact, rape and incest counseling for your boy friend and you at the same time to help support him emotionally would be a great idea. Couples counseling will help you BOTH to face and deal with the issues at hand better.
2007-04-06 09:13:27 · answer #5 · answered by mangamaniaciam 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It can work. I know plenty of bisexuals who have monogamous, long term relationships with people of either gender. Just because someone is bisexual does not mean that they will cheat on you.. I mean, are you going to cheat on him just because you may find other men attracttive? A lot of people manage to stay committed to their partner, regardless of whatever other attractive people there may exist out there. Just keep the lines of communication open and honest, and don't assume he will cheat just because he is bi.
2007-04-06 09:05:58 · answer #6 · answered by Beth B 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
sounds like he loves you or at least values and trusts you enough to tell you something like that. I'm proud that you didn't just run away and actually looked into it. I would doubt from how you talk about him that he is going to start bringing guys around. If he has had tramatic event(s) in his past with other guys and then tried to be with them and it not work out, I'm sure he knows what he wants.
2007-04-06 09:00:23 · answer #7 · answered by K.S. THiS 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Are you afraid that he'll fall in love with another woman while he's with you? Its basically the same thing to most bi people.
2007-04-06 08:57:38 · answer #8 · answered by Myaloo 5 · 4⤊ 1⤋
Its not true that gay men are mostly abused. thats a stereotype. Also, does it really matter that he likes both? if you love him and he loves you, then he will choose you. you cant force him.
2007-04-06 08:58:53 · answer #9 · answered by hollybear 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
well that's an unusual question but back to the matter
i think that you just have a problem with the fact that he's bi
because you didn't have a problem with his fidelity before
2007-04-06 08:57:57 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋