Taking husband's last name?

Question

I don't want to take my husband's last name when we get married in a few months. I like my name and it is part of who I am. I also don't want to have to go through the ordeal of changing it with banks, credit cards etc. Also (not to be pessimistic), but I don't want to worry about having to change it back if we get divorced (remember, there's a 50% chance - I'm realistic). I think hypenating it is a pain and I don't want to. My family is making a huge deal about this. Why does it matter so much to people?!?

I don't see how wanting to keep my own name makes me selfish, but whatever. Also, I think tradition is silly (why should I do something just because everyone else does). And my marriage is only between me and my husband - it's nobody else's business. My fiance is okay with me keeping my name, so I guess I will.

Notice I asked why people care so much, not what I should do.

Answer 1

Well, why does it matter so much to you? Like it or not, it matters to many people. If it didn't matter, you would change your name - but obviously keeping your own name feels meaningful to you, and it matters. In the same way, changing the name feels meaningful to many other (more traditional) people - it's like "becoming one" and all this stuff. Tradition is a powerful motivator; a lot of social behavior motivated not by rationallity, but by tradition.

That said, we live in a free country, where traditions are only as meaningful as you feel they are. Your family is entitled to their opinion - but they certainly cannot force it upon you. You are your own person, and you can respectfully but firmly tell them to bu11 out. They will get over it, believe me. My grandmother, my mother and myself have all kept our own names throughout our lives, and have never regretted the decision or felt the need to "conform". This is just what we chose to do; it went against the tradition, but it didn't cause us any practical grief. Yes, my fiancé almost fell out of his chair when he found out that I was not planning to change my name, but he got over it pretty quickly, after everyone else told him - "dude, who cares? It's HER name!" The nice thing about non-practical traditions is that you can pick which ones to honor, and which ones to ignore. Just do what you feel is right for you - you will not regret it. Congrats on the wedding.

P.S. People who say it is a bad thing for you to have a different last name than your kids are full of it. My dad and his sister grew up with a mother who had a different last name (her maiden name), and myself and my brother grew up with a mom who had a different last name from us. It wasn not a big deal! My parents are still married, and are getting ready to celebrate 35 years together. Not a single time my mom's different last name caused a problem. People who say it can "cause problems" are most likely the ones who have no first-hand experience with it whatsoever. Every once in a while, I get someone asking me why my last name is different from my husband's; I smile and say - "well, he chose to keep his name after we got married". This is about the extent of the "problems" I have ever encountered. Don't worry about anything, you will be fine. But I'm sure you already know this.

Answer 2

I don't know if I'm reading between the lines or it's just intuition, but I don't think you really want to get married - at least for the right reasons.

Of course you absolutely have the right to use any name you wish and as a previously divorced and newly engaged woman myself, I can tell you that it is a pain to get the documents changed.

That said, it means a lot to me to change my name to my husband's. It is also an act of combining our lives into one. I was proud to take my first husbands name and I will be proud to take my new husband's name.

The other option would be to choose a name together and both change your name to that (kind of off the wall, but it's done).

Seriously though, if you go into marriage prepared (realistic?)to be divorced, that WILL happen I can almost guarantee it. When you love someone truly, you don't consider divorce as an option. - Just my $.02. Divorce is horribly painful whether you're prepared or not and I don't wish it on anyone. If you go into marriage with the idea that half of marriages fail and see a 50% chance of divorce in your future (realistic or not) you're setting your self up for it because you will always be looking for somewhere to draw the line with your spouse and constantly checking to see if he's crossed it.

Answer 3

Your family is right! Maybe you might ask yourself, why do you want to marry this person? Why not just continue to live by yourself? Then none of this would be an issue!

But, then again, NATURE did not intend for either the human male or the human female to exist alone. Alone, neither has a purpose for being here!

Nature did not put you here for bank accounts, credit cards and all of the other items you have listed. You take issue with what I have written?

Explain, why and for what purpose the female physical make-up. Explain why and for what purpose the male physical make up?

And, just to raise your ire just a bit more, why is the greatest percentage of the physical, female body make up, dedicated to bring forth new life? Why didn't nature make the female capable of doing this without any input from the male?

You ask, "What has this to do with your NAME?" It is your emotional and mental attitude that is being called in to question. Man and woman are joined into marriage for only one purpose - The femal Temple of life shall bring forth new life and the male guardian of the temple shall guard/support/protect/ the temple of human life.

And so they become one! Marriage is not about, I, ME, MY, MINE, it can only be OURS.

You are already thinking about DEVORICE and you are not married? You should not even bother! Everything you have written says that you have neither LOVE, faith or the mature, mental mentality for marriage.

To marry you would be the same as farming and sowing seeds on land covered with rocks and sand. No plants will grow there and the few that might sprout will only wilt, die and be blown away.

Answer 4

Because when you marry him, you are now a part of his family as well. What are you going to do if you have children? My hubby and I were living together for 4 years before we got married, wanted to make sure we as right for each other as we thought we were. If you have any doubt, don't marry the man, or at least put the wedding on hold. If you really love the man, there should be no question as to whether or not you take his name, it should be a gimme. You marry him, the two of you are now your own family and should have the same last name.
The bottom line is this though, it is a matter of personal choice. What do you and the hubby to be think. Personally, I was proud to take my husbands name, he is my life, as yours should be your life.

Answer 5

This is a subject that you and your husband should have already discussed and finalized. Taking the man's last name once you're married is traditional, but there are so many other alternatives. Instead of hyphenating your last name you can add his last name before or after your maiden name. Another thing, you shouldn't be thinking about if you were to divorce, you haven't even married yet. If that is on your mind you might as well stay single.

Answer 6

It matters because 2 people become 1.. and its supposed to be forever. If your even thinking "realistically" that it won't last I wouldn't get married. Marriage is not something you can just break apart like like a plastic toy and its no big deal.
Marriage is about vows you promise to each other forsaking all others and I was so very happy to change my name to his.. you should be too.
Its not a huge deal to open a new checking account and change your social security, and driver's license number a few applications and it all can be done in less than an hour.

Answer 7

First off - there is not a 50% chance that YOU will get a divorce. 50% of the people who get married get divorced - but YOU don't have to put yourself into that statistic unless you choose to do it.

You also don't have to change your name unless you choose to do it.

Are you going to have kids? Sometimes it's nice for everybody in a family to have the same name. I live with my boyfriend. He has one name, his ex has a nother name and their daughter has a non-hyphenated last name made up of their last names - Dad's name first. It's way too confusing for most people to get it right. So - if you're trying to avoid "ordeals" - this might be something to think about.

And really - I don't know why it would matter to other people. It's not their name. It's yours.

And - your life is yours too! So - keep yourself out of that 50% statistic and have a great marriage and happy life - whatever your name might be!!

Answer 8

I don't know, I'm with you, as long as you love each other and want to get married then it shouldn't matter. I'm against hypenating as well, its a nice idea the first time around but what happens if your kids want to the same thing, it might get out of hand. The only problem that might arise is with naming kids, that might be why people get funny about it, the whole passing on the name thing. I think what I'm going to say is any boys can have his name and any girls can have mine.

Answer 9

In an odd sense I understand what you're feeling. In 2000 I married at the age 17 and didn't want to lose that sense of myself that my name represented. So I hyphenated my name and everyone I knew was against it. Honestly, you should do what is best for you. Your husband should be the only other person with an opinion on this. Have you told him about how you feel? If he loves you, he'll marry you anyway and it won't matter whether or not you keep your name. It shouldn't matter what your family thinks about it. You do what is right for you. Congratulations on your wedding. I wish you the best.

Answer 10

The feel is exciting at first, doesn't takes long for getting used to it. Just go to Social Security Administration with ur marriage certificate and get a new SS card. Then when u get it in da mail. Go to ur DMV and change the name on license and other stuff. Talking about ur previous diplomas, thats not a big deal ! Like when u apply for certain job or benefit, just include ur maiden name on the form tell ur university that u've got married and tell them to update their records