How victims react to abuse in intimate relationships?

Question

Not all victims react the same. Some are angry, some are sad and so on. I am talking about victims of abuse by intimate partners such as husbands or boyfriends.

Answer 1

Personality disorders are not only all-pervasive, but also diffuse and shape-shifting. It is taxing and emotionally harrowing to watch how a loved one is consumed by these pernicious and largely incurable conditions. Victims adopt varying stances and react in different ways to the inevitable abuse involved in relationships with personality disordered patients.

1. Malignant Optimism

A form of self-delusion, refusing to believe that some diseases are untreatable. Malignant optimists see signs of hope in every fluctuation, read meanings and patterns into every random occurrence, utterance, or slip. These Pollyanna defences are varieties of magical thinking.

"If only he tried hard enough", "If he only really wanted to heal", "If only we find the right therapy", "If only his defences were down", "There must be something good and worthwhile under the hideous facade", "No one can be that evil and destructive", "He must have meant it differently" "God, or a higher being, or the spirit, or the soul is the solution and the answer to my prayers".

From my book, "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited":

"The narcissist and psychopath hold such thinking in barely undisguised contempt. To them, it is a sign of weakness, the scent of prey, a gaping vulnerability. They use and abuse this human need for order, good, and meaning - as they use and abuse all other human needs. Gullibility, selective blindness, malignant optimism - these are the weapons of the beast. And the abused are hard at work to provide it with its arsenal."

Read "Is Your Cup Half-full or is it Half Empty?"

2. Rescue Fantasies

"It is true that he is chauvinistic and that his behaviour is unacceptable and repulsive. But all he needs is a little love and he will be straightened out. I will rescue him from his misery and misfortune. I will give him the love that he lacked as a child. Then his (narcissism, psychopathy, paranoia, reclusiveness) will vanish and we will live happily ever after."

3. Self-flagellation

Constant feelings of guilt, self-reproach, self-recrimination and, thus, self-punishment.

The victim of sadists, paranoids, narcissists, borderlines, passive-aggressives, and psychopaths internalises the endless hectoring and humiliating criticism and makes them her own. She begins to self-punish, to withhold, to request approval prior to any action, to forgo her preferences and priorities, to erase her own identity – hoping to thus avoid the excruciating pains of her partner's destructive analyses.

The partner is often a willing participant in this shared psychosis. Such folie a deux can never take place without the full collaboration of a voluntarily subordinated victim. Such partners have a wish to be punished, to be eroded through constant, biting criticisms, unfavourable comparisons, veiled and not so veiled threats, acting out, betrayals and humiliations. It makes them feel cleansed, "holy", whole, and sacrificial.

Many of these partners, when they realise their situation (it is very difficult to discern it from the inside), abandon the personality disordered partner and dismantle the relationship. Others prefer to believe in the healing power of love. But here love is wasted on a human shell, incapable of feeling anything but negative emotions.

4. Emulation

The psychiatric profession uses the word: "epidemiology" when it describes the prevalence of personality disorders. Are personality disorders communicable diseases? In a way, they are.

From my book, "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited":

"Some people adopt the role of a professional victim. Their existence and very identity rests solely and entirely on their victimhood. They become self-centred, devoid of empathy, abusive, and exploitative. These victim "pros" are often more cruel, vengeful, vitriolic, lacking in compassion and violent than their abusers. They make a career of it.

The affected entertain the (false) notion that they can compartmentalize their abusive (e.g., narcissistic, or psychopathic) behavior and direct it only at their victimizers. In other words, they trust in their ability to segregate their conduct and to be verbally abusive towards the abuser while civil and compassionate with others, to act with malice where their mentally-ill partner is concerned and with Christian charity towards all others. They believe that they can turn on and off their negative feelings, their abusive outbursts, their vindictiveness and vengefulness, their blind rage, their non-discriminating judgment.

This, of course, is untrue. These behaviors spill over into daily transactions with innocent neighbors, colleagues, family members, co-workers, or customers. One cannot be partly or temporarily vindictive and judgmental any more than one can be partly or temporarily pregnant. To their horror, these victims discover that they have been transmuted and transformed into their worst nightmare: into their abusers - malevolent, vicious, lacking empathy, egotistical, exploitative, violent and abusive."

Answer 2

I had an ex wife who got physically abusive with me, for what it's worth.

First off though I am not a 'victim' and just want to point out that anyone who subscribes to the notion that they should embrace that title (as an excuse for not moving on) is simply chaining their identity to the idea of 'victimhood' and that is not healthy or positive (just the opposite in my opinion). I've know too many people who use the excuse of 'I'm a victim' to never learn, grow or move on.

I realize that might sound like I'm splitting hairs over terminology, but I just wanted to point that out.

Back to my own reaction. In my case I practiced denial, using ridiculous excuses like 'If only I hadn't made her so mad', or 'well, I'm bigger and I can take a hit and there's no permanent damage so it doesn't count'.

It sounds almost unbelievable to me now, but I honestly didn't really recognize I was in an abuse situation until much later after I was out of it. It actually made me reconsider some of my predjudices about what it was like to be in an abuse situation - I *never* would have thought myself the type to stay in an abusive relationship, but I did... and moreover I didn't recognize it till later.

Fortunately I got out of the relationship before it escalated to truly dangerous levels, and the worst I ever got was some bruises - but I was lucky.

It took me probably more than a year to forgive her and truly move on (forgive is not the same as act like it never happened and take her back, by the way). The hardest thing for me to get around was how I could have fallen into such a mental state that her physical attacks were acceptable and not recognizable as abuse. I went through a stage where I beat myself up mentally, deriding myself as stupid (and I've never been stupid).

In my case it took time and therapy to come to terms with what had happened, forgive her, forgive myself, and move on into healthy relationships where I was not seeking to simply find someone to repeat the abuse process (which is common among those who have been abused).

That's purely subjective; one man's story, and it may not be what you're looking for. But I hope it helps.

Answer 3

It depends on the type of abuse. I am a survivor of domestic violence. I left me husband of 16 years July 12, 2005. I still haven't recovered. It has been over a decade since he last actually hit me but the abuse actually got worse. He was a crazy maker, a name caller, calling me the "c" word daily in front of my children. He demanded to know everything I did and often proof of the time I was doing it. Eventually he convinced me that I wasn't good enough, that I was a manipulator, that I was selfish, that I was cheating. Through the years I was raped more times than I could count. However it wasn't until very recent that I could bring myself to call it that. I was however his wife. The scary place I found myself was egging a man that had beaten me pretty good way back when, on to just hit me and get it over with. I wanted to leave but felt I needed a good enough reason.

It's been almost two years and I am still experiencing the effects of that relationship. I seek the approval of men. I still feel an enormous amount of guilt for not sticking by him, not helping him get better. I find that I sabatoge my own happiness and still make awful descisions. I am horrible with money and would isolate if I could. I was never the one to take care of our affairs unless it was something my ex didn't want to do. I had no life skills.

Today I am trying to set education goals for my self and my kids. I finally believe that I am nowhere near ready for another relationship.

Answer 4

Wow, I feel like I am reading a page out of my own diary. I am a very emotional person, and you said "I feel like I am going to burst into tears every time I do run into such people." Well...I DO burst into tears when people say rude things to me or about me. I cannot control it, and I have always wished that I could. Ever since I was a little girl I've been told to grow a thicker skin. My family would even pick on me more to try to get me to grow a set...but nope, just got me more upset. Anyways, enough about me. You seem just the opposite here online. I never would have suspected that about you. Although, we all act how we wish we could in real life when we are online. So maybe pretend you are online? LOL I'm not too sure how that will work out, but hey...its worth a shot! Love you girl!

Answer 5

I've never been a victim of abuse from a significant other, so I haven't got a personal story to tell, but you are right different people react in different ways to similar situations. What is your question exactly?

Answer 6

Usually the become very withdrawn, and look sad all of the time. They tend to make excuses for why the were abused. Most of all they are scared, or they would not stay in that situation.

Answer 7

One way to react is to get out and fast. Once is to many times, get out now.

Answer 8

Try to abuse me just once and I will break their ******* hands, legs, whatever I get ahold of first.

Answer 9

why would you be intimate if there is abuse?
that makes as much sense as the slushie dude on American idolt

Answer 10

get out fast.