Advice about daughter?

Question

I found out that my 14 year old daughter was seeing this lad who's 16. I told him to stay away from my daughter as i dont agree with this, he's about to leave school. I know there's nothing sexual going on but 2 years difference is quite a lot in my eyes. The fact that she lied to me about this is also why i'm upset. She's got sats exams soon so i dont want any distractions. Advice please as i dont want to push my daughter away, i thought we had a close relationship.

Answer 1

Trust.

Answer 2

Why do I think it is the daughter asking and not the mother? Anyway, the answer is the same.

This is an exteremely dangerous and important time in the parent/child relationship. If you bugger up now, you will regret it later.

When the hormones of youngsters begin to work, there is nothing a parent can do about it, but to support your child. For the child this is an extremely intense time of her life. (Remember when you were 14?) If you forbid this relationship, you will just inflame it and the situation will get worse. Remember that there are emotions involved here, yours and that of your daughter.

You will just have to deal with this in an adult manner - yes, treat your daughter as the (young) adult she is. Respect her choice of boyfriend, and give the young man a chance. If a person is ready to enter into an adult relationship, irrespective of whether you think it is too soon on 14, she is an adult.

Whatever you do, please just do not enstrange your daughter. You are her support base for adulthood and if you enstrange her now, you will lose her, and she will lose you, forever.

To the daughter: Please understand that your mother is not trying to ruin your life. She cannot help it to be concerned about you. Be patient with her and show her that she can trust you. One way is to seek her advice with this and future relationships. Take her into your confidence and learn from her (good or bad) experiences. And also, try not to allow that you and your mother get enstranged. You WILL need her advice in future!

And do not allow that any difference in opinion between you turns into a screaming match. Nobody wins and both lose.

Good luck, it is not an easy matter to solve, but it can be with the one understanding the other's point of view. And do not think this is the last problem that will arise in the puberty years, it is only one of many to come, but if you can cross this river, the next will be easier.

Answer 3

Just be honest. Sit her down and tell her why you are so upset. If she thinks she is mature enough to date, she is mature enough to accept AND respect your decision. Tell her that her future is very important, and without great grades on her SAT she will find it hard getting into a great school. Also, explain to her that your more upset over the fact that she lied about the relationship, not that she was interested in a boy 2 years her senior. I agree, at 14 a 2 year age difference is a big deal, he is driving and probably has more freedoms; versus say someone who is 21 dating a 23 year old. But also, listen to her side, find out what is so great about this guy that compelled her to lie to you; encourage her to tell you why she is attracted/interested in this guy. You could even try getting to know him better i.e. over for a movie with the family, dinner, invite him out to eat with you and your family, etc... Any respectable guy, with good intentions will have no problem agreeing to your requests, and if he does then that is another reason, to keep your daughter away from him!! Hope this helped!!

Answer 4

My dad was the same when he found out i was dating a boy almost 4 years older than myself, but then again i was 15 at the time. i lied to my dad at first saying he was only my friend. I had my exams that year also. As long as you respect your daughter's wishes you wont push her away, if you explain that it hurt that she lied to you, but you will allow her to still see him as long as they do not have sex until she is over sixteen. That is what my dad done. Having a boyfriend did not distract me from my exams i ended up with a 1, six 2 and a 3. Just as long as you remind her of her priorities.

i hope this has been of some help.

Answer 5

The best advice I could give you is to let her see for herself.
She will never agree with you in her heart if you try to seperate them. And you will only bring them closer together.
Here's what you can do.

Get to know him. Don't be so rash as to push this kid away just because of age difference, yes true they're young but try to keep an open mind. Find out stuff about him and talk to him. Talking to him will let you know where he stands, also providing you with important information of what kind of guy he is.

Try to keep a small knot between the two. For example, letting him call her, but not too much.

Try to give your daughter some room to be herself and the less she'll lie and keep things from you. The most reason kids lie is that they're afraid of breaking their parents respect and trust.

Lastly, it doesn't sound like your really ok with your daughter seeing this boy. You have to accept the fact that no matter what you do she will see him, with or without your permission. You can either embrace the situation to your benefit and bring you and your daughter closer together. Or eventually push her away from you.

Good Luck.

Answer 6

This is a very difficult situation for parents, and my best advise is to tell her to first study and pass the sats with good marks and giving her a chance by saying she can stay with the boy as long as you get to know the boy. 2 Years is not much different seeing that ladies are 2 years more mature than guys. Reason with her and let her know how you feel but give her the equal oppurtunity, children love being treated equal, and that is where you will start a great friendship with them.

Answer 7

First of all.... you should sit her down and explain the reasons why instead of just telling her she can't see him (if you haven't already.)

Second.... you should not be mean to the lad.... still be nice to him but help him to understand too. You shouldn't make him mad/upset because keep in mind, this is the boy your daughter likes. If you make him mad/upset, it will automatically make your daughter mad/upset.

Last.... they can always have a relationship without you knowing it (they did to begin with.) Has your daughter done anything to make you lose her trust? If not, give her a chance. She might have a pretty good head on her shoulders. Get to know the guy.... you might like him!!!!!

Answer 8

Young girls believe the world revolves around the boy they are currently head over heels for. My father and I are extremely close and I know it was hard it was for him to see me date and pick and choose the wrong boys. And at times he told me and them ... (I am now 33 & married)

You need to know that she will think it is the worst heartbreak to not date him, she may be mad at you for a bit but will get over it in time. A new boy - hopefully her age will come along later and she will forget about this boy. But just know more heartbreaks and more unfavorable boys will come.

Try to be calm and sit down face to face with her and explain why you feel like you do. Don't just be the boss Dad and TELL her she can't see him in a harsh manner. Give her good reasons and tell her even if she doesn't understand now - someday she will. Tell her you only have her best interest at heart even if it breaks her heart. She needs to know that is is hard for you too. Please remember that her world to her right now is so dramatic that the littlest of things will bring her to tears specially being told she cannot see the boy she likes. It is hard but best you keep tabs on her now so that her future is bright ! (I do tell my dad that I know now why he did what he did then - so you may have to wait some 10-15 years to reap the rewards of this situation) Good Luck !

Answer 9

Beavis said it all.

Trust your daughter. You will push her away and into the lads arms.

This happened to me - I felt I couldn't tell my parents anything, or get any advise from them. I ended up being a 16 yr old single parent.

Set some ground rules - ie: study time, what time she has to be in etc and she will respect this. If you tell her she can't see him - she will see him all the more. It may just fizzle out naturally.

Answer 10

Your daughter sounds a bit like me at that age! And you sound a bit like my mum! Looking back on some of the bad bfs i went out with i can understand why she shouted. But at the time i hated her for it and all it made me do was keep doing things behind her back. My advice would but to talk openly to her, but dont say things like your not allowed. And if you are telling her bf to stay away she will be getting stick from her friends. Try to be her friend as well as her mother.

Answer 11

Honestly...u sound like my mum! I undrstnd ur only putting a stop 2 this because u care bt trust me th mre u go against it....th mre shes going 2 rebel! If thrz nothing sexual going on......thn i dont reeli c the problem?? I think uv kinda blew this outta proportion to be honest!!
And as for the exams.......if shes happy with her family life & her friends & her boyfriend she will probably do evn better, if u stop th relationship (if u can evn call it that at 14) she is more likely to get totally upset n loose concentration! Good luck!