Do I let go or stay?

Question

i've been married for over 6 years now and no kids.. My marriage has been kind of a drag from the last 3 or 4 years. I feel like i luv my husband a lot but he doesnt give me his 100% not even half of it. He is in his own world and doesnt even want to think abt changing some of his habits for me which is co-operation from his side. We hardly have a sex life.. but the only thing thats keeping me here is him telling me that he luvs me a lot. I mean is that enough? I feel like i have gone too far from him but i still do luv him.. i am confused.. on top of all this, i recently met some1 and after hearing the things from this new guy in my life that i dont get to hear from my husband, i've become very attacthed to him.. he tells me he luvs me very much and that he wants to marry me.. I cant think about leaving my husband coz this would break his heart but is that a good reason for me to stay.. y would'nt he try to change a little bit for me.. so i see that he really do luv me.. Help!!

Answer 1

It sounds very much like your marriage is badly stalled and dying. No wonder the grass looks greener and you feel like you're falling for someone else.

Living with someone, "loving" your spouse and them loving you or saying so they do can be a habit. A dry, dull, boring, unworthy habit.

Since you want more out of your life and your marriage, tell the other guy to back off. If he wants you, he'll need to wait until the ink is dry on the divorce decree and you both settle into a loooong engagement (to see if his spots change before you do tie the knot).

Next, try to bridge this gap with your husband. Tell him what you've told us about how you see your marriage and your life as individuals and as a couple. Ask him to go with you to couple's counseling or for a marriage workshop. Let him know that you want more emotional, psychological, and (better) sexual intimacy.

Don't at all bring up this other guy, bc all he is right now is a distraction for you and he would be a worse distraction for your husband if he knew the other guy was sweet talking you.

Further, your husband would, or could, easily make this other guy and your "perceived infidelity" (emotional or sexual) the issue vs. honestly looking at himself and where he has gone wrong and what he needs to do to carry his weight in the relationship. This "other man" then becomes the focus--not your marriage or its problems or a solution to those problems.

You've clearly tried to talk with your husband about these issues before. Give him another chance and up the ante, asking for counseling, etc.

Don't bring up divorce at all--you want, and ultimately will need, your husband to take you seriously without threats hanging over his head. You definitely don't want him agreeing just to agree or agreeing bc he's panicked or feeling threatened by the "D-word". That's like dropping a bomb in the living room.

You DO want to see an honest, self-motivated effort on his part, which will also speak well of his good will and intent to revitalize the marriage/relationship.

Not having a divorce hanging over his head, will be a much better and much cleaner indicator/predictor of his commitment, intent, desire, and efforts to save this marriage, which will also make his positive response a much more honest and worthy one too.

If your husband consistently fails or refuses to work on the marriage and your interpersonal relationship, then you have your answer about what the remainder of your life, and your married life, is going to look like. If you want more, then you deserve to cut all ties to him, go out and find more and get it.

You will have given him every honest and reasonable chance. You will owe him nothing more. Move on.

You really can't just continue to mark the days off of a calendar bc HE's going to be "hurt"--esp. since you're already suffering and suffocating and he seems just fine coasting. Move on.

Love is not just about what you "feel" or say you "feel" or even just bc you tell someone you "love" them. Love is also an action and a behavior. Give him at least one more chance, then MOVE the hell ON.

In the meantime, you must do everything you can to protect your fertility. Having a baby by design or by accident or bc "it will make the marriage stronger" changes everything and makes everything that much harder.

Good luck.

Answer 2

You should have a serious talk with your husband about the way he is acting in your marriage. Tell him how you feel and that you want to work things out and if he wants the same thing he has to put forth some effort. Tell him if he doesnt change you are going to file for divorce and find someone else that shares the same feelings about a relationship as you. It would be best not to mention that you have met someone else because he will just use it as an excuse

Answer 3

I would ask myself a couple questions before making decisions about divorce. 1. What does marriage mean? is it a piece of paper to you? What is different now about your relationship than when you first were married? Have you changed? 2. Do you love the person or do you love what he or she does or doesn't do? Alot of times people get caught up in material things in life and think about what a person does or doesn't do for them. You either love them the way they are or you don't. You can not change another human being. No matter how hard you try. You fell in love with something. Find that something that it was that you loved and look at where it is now and whats different about it. Talk with your spouse about these feelings. Men do not read your mind. They have to have things in black or white. There is no guessing with them. Its either there or its not. Love is something you can feel. Not something you just say. 3. Do you feel Love? Not feel loved.. there is a difference. Answer these questions not thinking about the other guy and the new feeling of something new and different. Think about what it was that you fell in love with. Look for that in your husband again.. I am sure its still there.

Answer 4

messing around on your husband is never going to make things better between the two of you. All that does is confuse the matter. You say you love your husband then get away from this other man who wants to steal you away from him. Marriage takes committment and a whole lot of work. Don't think about all the things your husband doesn't do for you. You mention nothing really bad about him, you don't say he cheats on you, he seems to treat you fine, he doesn't beat on you. So what you hardly have a sex life. How can you have a sex life when your messing with someone else. I would recommend getting you and your hubby together for some kind of counceling and really trying to make your marriage work.

Answer 5

First thing, don't even *think* about another relationship until you've sorted out the one you're in. It isn't fair to your husband, it isn't fair to the other guy, and ultimately it isn't fair to you because it messes with your head when you're already in a fog. Somebody is going to come out of this with a broken heart... maybe more than one. Right now it sounds like this other guy is going to rush in and rescue you. Believe me, it doesn't work that way. Do the right thing. Figure out what you want to do about your marriage *before* you start considering what some other guy is going to do to "make you happy." If you dump your husband for another guy, you'll have to carry the guilt of treating someone who loves you like he's disposable. It really smacks of "trading up", and that's a rotten way to end or begin a relationship. If things are over between you and your husband, then so be it. Don't muddy the water. Either find a way to spice things up with your hubby, or let him go while you have a clean conscience.

Answer 6

I would just tell your husband straight up we have to talk about this.. I mean your at the last straw anyways who cares if he gets mad... tell him all the things you feel and what needs to change make it stern and clear.. if he doesnt change or should I say if he doesnt make an effort to change try 1 more time then leave... Its always good to try and make a marriage work you know marriage is supposed to be forever but if its a one sided marriage how far can you get? I hope your husband comes around:)

Answer 7

That's a tough one to answer...I'm in a similar boat, except I've been married 10 years and have two kids...My heart is torn and I'm not always happy - I need more and he can't give me what I need anymore. What he thinks is enough for him isn't nearly enough for me. All I can say is that the grass is not always greener on the other side, but you do need to talk with your husband about it as I have. If things don't change, perhaps it's time to move on. Hope it works out for you.

Answer 8

Have you tried to talk to your husband about what he's not giving you and what you need from him? If so and he isn't meeting you in the middle then maybe it's time for you to rethink or tell your husband that there is another man that is telling you what you want to hear and makes you feel good divorce is so hard. sometimes all a man needs is a wake up call and remember nobodys perfect sweetie

Answer 9

Why is it wifes never get what they want when somoene other than there husbands pour on the charm....what you want is the romance to come back into the relationshipo and you don't know how to do that but there will be plenty of guys willing to help you out...but your responsibility is to your husband, if your going to pay any attention to others why not focus that attention toward your husband, bet if you looked at him the way you look at this other guy you just might get some where.

Answer 10

All men tell you they are better than what you have so that you will leave. Don't fall for that. Don't break up your marriage on promises. Too many are never kept.

Talk to your husband. Tell him that you are feeling empty. Tell him that you don't want to leave, but you need to find happiness. Then ask him if he loves you enough to see a marriage counselor. You will get your answer then. If he loves you enough, he will do what is necessary to save your marriage.