What Do You Think Of My Poem? Good Or Crap???

Question

You remember that time…
When I died
Begged, screamed, and cried
Beneath you
Why Leo, Why?
Remember late at night
When you came
Hot and heavy
So deep within me
Why Leo, why?
I know you remember
I still do
When it’s late night
And I’m raw
Why Leo, why?
I’m sick of all these lies
Sick of this
I’m so afraid
I think I’m broken
Why can’t I cry?
Really, I’m not alright
So I’ll lie
Oh yes, I’m fine
Can’t you see!
Why does it hurt?
I never wanted this
I’m so numb
Why can’t I feel?
Damn I wanna breath!
Why wont you leave?
Someday, I’ll get over it
Just a month
Perhaps a year
Maybe two
Will it ever stop?
No more lies, yeah that’s right
You screwed me
******* hurt me
Never caring
Why Leo… why?

© 2007 Opal El. All Rights Reserved.

Answer 1

Poetry is meant to express how one feels not just to deploy dull and tired images unless they help convey the feelings being expressed. Figures of speech ideally and fundamentally are tools of trade being used to achieve an end not an end in themselves. Poets, as Jean-Paul Sartre observes, should not be expected to sing as the bird sings but to in the direction they wanted to go.

That is the reason I find your poem pretty excellent in conveying your feelings. You have used and arranged words in the best way to communicate your inner and deep fears.
"Leo" is bound to be persuaded to give it another closer look if he has humanity.
I would however, edit wanna, screwed, and the hidden ******. Use other words. Words like hot have multiple connotations nowadays. Hence you may revise such unless you meant double meanings.
If I were to grade the poem, I would not hesitate to offer 9/10. Excellent.

Answer 2

WOW! Way too much info. You should try to re-write it with some more tactful words, but be careful not to rob it of it's power. I can tell you're upset but don't blame yourself. We men are just dirty little aliens inside and will say or do anything to get a girl to submit to our will. When the goal is achieved it is time to move on. That's just the way we are. It is up to you to decide what to do now. Any way... the poem was pretty good in the fact that it expresses your feelings, but beyond that, it was pretty one dimensional. I did like the part where you explained your emotional veneer though. Keep it up!

Answer 3

In addition to what Neb has said (he gave some great advice and insight into what poetry truly is), is that I would break it up into stanzas. Stanzas are generally used to create a break in idea or rhythm. It would be of great use in some parts.

I second Neb on revising certain words as well.

Answer 4

I would never use the word "crap" to describe anyone's work, but it doesnt sound very poetic to me. It just sounds like a rant broken down into lines to look like a poem. I would like to see more imagry and less graphics. I can tell you are hurting, that's for sure, but I think you need to find a better way to say it. I give this one about a 6. Pax - C

Answer 5

Short end-
stopped lines
make it
hard to
read. I'm
short of
breath now.
Gee thanks.

Don't get it. Not creative. And hard to follow the train of thought. A triple threat. Not crap, but surely something excreted in haste.

Answer 6

its very rough. try to make it flow a little more. have it rhyme and instead of comming right out and saying things.... use a few more metephores.

Answer 7

It is very . . . interesting.
I'd give it a seven--it's almost mellifluous

Answer 8

um....that was okay but i kinda didnt like it, im really really really really really really really sry but it needs loads of work soooooooooooo its CRAP!!!(again really sry!!!!!)