Could you help me edit/improve my poems?

Question

what do you all think of my poem. Serious answers only please. I need advice on this stanza f my poem for editing/improving it.

The rhythm of running feet,
Echos its melodic beat,
in my soul I hear their song,
begging me to run along.

then this is another one of my poems,
I hear the children's laughter,
their joyous little cries,
like bluebirds in the summer,
singing through the skies.

Jesus loved the children,
"Suffer them to come to me"
gently He took each one,
and blessed them lovingly.

When Jesus said "love everyone"
I'm sure he meant the children too,
for every single step we take,
they're watching all we do.

Good idea with the rap, but I'm not really into rap so I'm not sure that would be the best thing for me to do. :)

Hey, also, does anyone think I can go any where with my poetry, (ok that last coment totally just set me up for sarcastic coments, oh well, lol), I write more seriously than humorous. I'm in eighth grade. Any ideas on how I can go farther with poetry?

Actually neb.A I'm already in church chior and very religous, thanks for being frank and honest though.

So, Neb. A what you mean is take a risk, write about something I don't know? Totally just risk all when I write?

Answer 1

if you want frank answer, I'd advise, you better be a choir member in the local church. you are a good church personality and its conservative bent holds a lot of promise for you. poetry may require a bit more radical thought.
good luck

Answer 2

I love the Jesus one!
You're pretty good with rhymes.
I can't rhyme reasonably to save my life.
You only mispelled one word.

I can't find anything to criticize.
Poetry is a way to express yourself, and no one has the right to criticize your personal artistic expression.
Because it's the way you are, for crying out loud!
If you'd like to get better at poetry specifically, you should read more poetry.
Identify the styles, see what it is about the great poems that make them great, and let your soul and your feelings control the mood of your poetry.

I wish you the best of luck and Happy Easter!

Answer 3

I like your poems because of their message and originality. For the second one I think "loved" is an overused word and reminds me of the song "Jesus loves the little children". I would like something more original, like "Jesus cherished children". Then you don't get loving and loved in the same verse. Also, how about "He held each one in gentle arms, and blessed them lovingly." To me this paints more of a picture - or use words of your own to paint a picture, instead of the words "he took" which is kind of passive in feel, even if biblically correct. If you take out "I'm sure" in the last verse, it actually has more punch, and the cadence is better as well. Please keep writing - your work is fresh and inspiring.

Answer 4

ok well the first two are good the one with jesus rocks reason being it sounds like a rap so combine them and make a christian rap

Answer 5

I think they are reallly good and i wouldnt change them. im no poet and dont like poetry but i have to say i actually liked your stuff

Answer 6

They are good. Cute.

Try "Echoes a melodic beat"

Answer 7

your rhyme patterns are changing you need to rhyme the same pattern in each stanza(paragraph)

Answer 8

It was great