another poem, sappy, give me a star if you like it tear it apart if you want, I'm tough?

Question

She is no longer the dark lover of dreams past, I tremble to touch her, to take her hand in mine. Doleful dawns desire my secret wish, a simple kiss, or simply the courage to tell her this. Matthew P. Schlette

Answer 1

From the sound of the poem, you arent so tough to me. You definitely have a tender, sensitive side. Not bad. Here's your star. Pax - C.

Answer 2

The passage is contradictory. Of course She is STILL the lover of dreams past...because you haven't made the dream come true....The dark part doesn't work...Dark always represents something evil...she is not evil...the THOUGHTS you have of her is...
Don't blame her....do you understand what I'm saying???


I can't find a flow with this...
The word 'doleful' asbolutely doesn't flow with the rest of the poem...It's an old, unused word, whereas the rest of the poem is readable....
I am sincerely not trying to be hard on you....I think you have a great talent....I want nothing more than to see it develope....
I think in this poem you shouldn't make it so personal....It reads like something of old, which is excellent....But you need to bring it all together.....read this..it's not any better than yours..just more thought out...I think.. :>)

The thing that I want, made up of dreams past, as I tremble to touch her, take her hand in mine,
the rising sun knows my deepest wish,
a kiss,
or the courage to whisper all this.
This thing that I seek, this small fantsay, envelops my soul, and pulls me down lower
The wanting, I fear, is killing me,
for she doesn't answer,
so never we'll be.


There has to be a flow..above and beyond anything else.....Listen to it, say it, feel it.....Eventually, all of your words will fall into place..
Say it aloud....That is absolutely the best way to see how something flows...

Just my thoughts! You have a great, literary mind......
Develope it!!!

Answer 3

When the Roman army won victories far away from home, they came home to Rome and were allowed to parade down the street carrying their weapons and prizes (otherwise weapons were banned inside the city.) The soldiers used this time to criticize or mock their leaders ("Caesar rules Bythinia, Bythinia rules Nicodemus and Nicodemus rules Caesar.") and criticize the government. Today the army speaks in tongues of fire, and the old concept of a triumph is long forgotten unless you are an astronaut or sports figure. Your first two lines don't quite escape being cliches.

Answer 4

Simple, subtle and a bit sweet - but not sappy - its like you gotten over her evil side (or her plastic persona) and can deal with her as a person and are searching for the strength to tell - but still fearing she'll tear you shreds - emotionally

Answer 5

I like it. It's really good. It describes the way a lot of people feel and just can't find the words to say.

Answer 6

It is another zygote of a poem. And use some linebreaks. I can tell already this poem will not handle being a prose poem.

DEVELOP your poems.

Answer 7

My husband won me with a poem =) yours also would have done the trick.

Answer 8

Sweet. Very nice.

Answer 9

That was impressing and definitely not bad. I gave my star already. =)

Answer 10

like it
nice job
keep up the good work