I need some serious advice, please!!! (no jerks or ****** answers)?

Question

I have been married for almost 4 yrs. We have two children; 4 yrs & 6 mos. My husband has been to prison 3 times during our marriage. This last time I was only one month pregnant when he got locked up and he didn't come home until our son was 3 months old. Not for anything serious, just violations for drinking. He is an alcoholic. Each time gets locked up he promises me that he will not drink again and he will get the help he needs. The second time he came home he did really good for about 5 months then started drinking again. This time it only took about 3 weeks for him to start again. He's drinking almost everyday now. I feel hate towards him when he drinks and I resent him for it. He spends too much money on it and all I can think about is divorce. He is not willing to get the help he needs because he doesn't believe he has a problem. I know I can make it on my own but I love him. He's going to end up in prison again for sure. Should I wait for that or leave him now?

All we do is fight about it and he keeps telling me that he is going to drink because he likes to and I'm not going to tell him what to do. He says it's about him doing what he wants to, it's not about the alcohol. If I was to give him an ultimatum and make him choose between me and the drinking he would choose the drinking because he would see that as me telling him what he can and can't do. He has issues with people telling him what to do. But I don't TELL him he can't drink, I ask him not to. He does it anyway. He has no respect for me or my feelings. I need to get out. We are living with his dad right now to save some money to get a house but I don't see the point anymore since we are headed for a divorce. It would be easier to leave him if he were in prison.

Answer 1

Look for an Al-anon group in your area. Many communities offer AA and Al-anon group for free. (If u didn't know, Al-anon is for the families of an alcoholic). There you will find support, others like you, and people you can talk to. You will learn that this problem is HIS and not yours. You will learn what his problem is doing to you and an individual, as well as your children as individuals, let alone your family.

I know you love him, but just as he depends on his alcohol, he is dependent on you as well, which has become habitual for both of you.

You cannot save him. You cannot help him quit. You cannot do anything regarding his alcoholism. His comments, and nasty words are a reflection of how he feels for himself. Do not take his words to heart.

It will hurt, but in my opinion, I would either ask him to leave, or take my family elsewhere. It will hurt, but pain heals. Feelings heal...

He knows you and the kids love him, and he probably doesn't want to be doing what he is doing. Unfortunately, there is no cure for alcoholics. Quitting must be something that he works just as hard at as drinking.

If you want to really show him you love him....get away.

Good luck

Answer 2

Almost four years, two children, three times in jail...sad equation. You need advise from someone closer to you who is willing to talk straight to Mr. Wonderful there and guive you some guidance. IT CAN get serious and it is already affecting you children merely by your tension.
You feel hate and resentment toward him and you think he spends too much on drinking. That's all judgmental stuff that makes you want a divorce. You need to be level-headed about this but it's no joke, an alcoholic doesn't see any problem with his vice until, as they say, he hits bottom.

Maybe a separation could help if you and he take it seriously but that costs money too and will really solve problems only if he's being violent or abusive. Think of someone who will talk to him face to face and help you out also.
Look up the closest A.A. and give them a call too.
Al-Anon could also be of some help. Most of those have been right where you are and worse.

Answer 3

The fact that you took the time to post is an indication of what you're really thinking of doing!

You stated you've been a married for 4 years now...how much of that time has your husband spent behind bars? Better question to ask yourself is do you want to 'risk' having your husband come home one night drunk and either hurt you or one of your kids? (Whether on purpose or not is besides the question!)

I know you probably love your husband and that's why you got married in the 1st place and probably why you wanted to start a family, however 'love' is not forever..if it was, I'd still be married! ;-)

So, if you have an opportunity, go stay with some friends/family right now for a few days or more and tell 'him' that until he gets counseling for his drinking (AA), you're not coming home. If 'he' truly loves you and worships/respects the marriage enough, he'll do it, if not, then you'll have the final answer you're looking for.

Hope this helps?


Ray

Answer 4

I've known good friends and besides their drinking they are pretty good people, but I could never be married to one...I'd suggest leaving ASAP, because why risk his drinking get you or the children in danger any longer...Going to prison probably is the best thing for him but it no way to raise a family...so why wait, perhaps by some small miracle if you leave now he will put more effort into quiting, this is what happened to a friend of mine, in the last 20 years he had been sober 4 months at one time and that's because his wife said she would leave if he had another drink...he only lasted 4 months...he came to me years later and asked for a sober living environment, he was going to quit, he lasted 3 months...he too is in and out of jail, alcohol related..so I understand where your coming from but I also understand where he is going to end up, at best.

Answer 5

If you still love and he's not abusive to you or your children, give him the best support you can to encourage him to quit drinking. When he is more sensible, talk to him about how much harm his drinking has done to the family and he really loves his family, he should quit drinking and that he has the fullest support from you and your children. Seek for him therapy programs which he can join. He should have a new circle of friends and not those whom he drinks with, at least before he has finally quit the drinking. It's gonna be difficult to quit being alcoholic. It's never easy changing a -lic or any habits. Sometimes, it takes a life crisis to change. If you choose to stay with him, you have to know that it's gonna be tough and you'll need a lot patience.

Answer 6

I know what's it's like to love someone who is not good for you. I recently left my husband of 10 years for emotional abuse. Is it only the drinking that's a problem? Does he hit you? The kids? Does he make you feel guilty for things when he's drunk? Or call you names? Or blame you for his problems (you make him want to drink). Unfortunately, alcoholism is a really serious disease and it will be your kids that pay for it if you stay in the relationship.

Have you thought about looking into a Transition House for you and your kids to stay in for a few days to get away from him? Maybe if he realizes how seriously close he is to losing you and his kids, he'll smarten up. Make your demands clear: Get into rehab and stay there until you are clean and sober. Then, go get temporary custody of your kids and get rights to be in the house. Do what you have to to show him how serious you are (restraining orders, etc - a Transition House would help you wtih all this) and then follow through with it! If he goes through with the rehab and actually changes, you have done him, yourself, and your children a favor. If he doesn't and he resorts back to drinking, you've still done your kids a favor, and yourself probably too. The more these kids witness, the harder it will be for them. I wish you luck.

Answer 7

Oh girl... That wants to discontinue. So much less complicated mentioned than completed. I know from personal expertise. I acquired out of a three 12 months relationship much like yours in Dec. We have been dwelling collectively and engaged additionally. It took 3 months of dangerous melancholy to get back to quite myself. About 2 months in the past, I subsequently bought to a position where I was once ready up to now once more. A very long time, but short after I suppose of a lifetime I could have wasted. Let me let you know, you have got to get out of that! There is no motive, excuse, or apology that makes any style of abuse good enough. I gave excuses and blamed myself for a long time. I'm definite you triggered issues in the relationship as good, but it is still no longer ok. What helped me used to be excited about my future. I wish to get married and have children. If I (and also you) stayed in an abusive relationship, it is going to proceed and can get worse and you're going to not ever be a completely happy individual. Also, it will be so egocentric to consider about having youngsters with anybody who is abusive, instructing them via instance and educating them it is ok. Find some books on codependency and abuse. I under no circumstances rather knew what codependency was and how dangerous it's for you. However read up on it! Love is just not the only thing needed in a relationship. You need respect and believe. Leaving is frightening and unhappy, excruciating from time to time. No longer simplest are you crazy in love with him, but it's like a safety blanket, remedy. Consider about how it is going to be in 5 years, 10 years, what type of shell of a individual you will come to be if you happen to stay, empty, depressed. It'll take various tough time to get over and move on, but which you can, and have got to!

Answer 8

This really sounds crappy, but if he is drinking and driving, call the cops on him! Then, while he is in jail, file for divorce and get away. Drunks have the tendency to get violent, and he may want to "beat" the desire to divorce him out of you. I am going through it now with a cocaine addict, so I know the deal. I promise, no matter how much he swears not to drink, he will. You may actually save his life if you leave him, because it may be what causes him to "hit rock bottom" and straighten his life out for himself, and not for anyone else. I feel terrible for my husband, but I know that I can't help him and I can't force him to get help. He has to want to do it for himself! Good Luck, honey.

Answer 9

Seriously do this, separate from him. My husband told me to get my things and go, and then after that I was a changed person. Sometimes ultimatums and wake up calls can work. He is making false promises to you, and he needs to know that you are not going to put up with this any longer. He needs to get his life together and start being a husband and a father. Maybe he'll realize that after you kick him out that you are serious and that he does have a problem. People won't and can't change if they don't aknowledge they have a problem, and that their problem leads to destructive behavior. Do yourself and your kids a favor and get on some birth control.
Email me if you need to. Good luck!

Answer 10

ok...you need to understand something when it comes to addicts (weather it be drinking or drugs)...he will do anything to support his drinking habit. only he can change himself when he is ready. what you need to do is to hire yourself an attorney and get that divorce. because everytime he drinks he only thinks about himself. not about you or about the children. so you need to be thinking about what is best for your children and for you. do you want your children growing up in a household that is full of drunk drinking (your husband) and fights all the time? you may think that you are doing the right think by staying with him but you are not. you are also not setting a good example for your children by staying with someone who drinks all the time and basically saying that you accept it. honey love is very powerfull...but you also need to be smart. don't bother waiting. leave him now. your husband may need to lose everything before he finally realizes that he has a problem and that he needs to do what is necessary to get his life right.