Adults please, no children.....thanks?

Question

I have a woman who has claimed to be my best friend for over the last 15 years. I met her over 20 years ago through my niece but her and I became really good buddies and she gave me the label as being her best friend but we have nothing in common. She is one of those friends that only has time for me when she is between relationships and I cannot trust her with nothing. I tell her what I think is going to be between the both of us and when I go around her family, her mom, sisters and cousin know everthing about whatever I am dealing with at that time. Now she is in a disturbing relationship and I told her to leave the guy alone because there was one time I was dating a guy she disliked and she came to house and basically tried to put him out and she told me right in front of him that she wanted me to choose between her and him. I chose him and told her to get the hell out my house. Of course we have made up since them but she always wants to control my life but will never accept

advice on her relationship problems and she always say- I'm different than you and you fall in love to quick and she claims she is not like that but her relationships are soon over when the men find out she will not give them money. My biggest problem is I want to let her go but she has been in my life through some really bad times-she has been there for me at my worst and she has stuck by me ....but I believe all the while she was there she was talking behind my back and telling people all my information. Her whole family is nosey and will go through all kind of crap to get in your business. I want to let her go but I just don't know how....I think its because its been 20 years of friendship?????however disfunctional it is it was a friendship but I know I need to let her go.....are there any suggestions on how to do this?

Answer 1

Other than the idiot who said "Too long" because they haven't the brains to take the time to read what appears to be an honest and sincere problem...I have to agree with the "put some distance between you and her" crowd.

Food for thought: Despite her helping you through these tough times you had experienced, do you think she kept anything regarding a personal nature about you a secret. In the 20 years you've known her she's spread information and personal troubles to everyone she knows. People don't really change in some respects. You were comprimised during all those times she "helped" you through your bad times.

This you call a friend? I find it even amusing that you give her sound advice and she demands you choose between him and her. That ultimatium is reserved for one class of people only. People who are married, same sex or not, or persons living in a cohabital relationship for over one year and share everything. That demand is a flippant remark by any other person, (parents included) cannot be taken at face value. If they leave. Sayanora. Guess our 'friendship' wasn't meant to be.
Oh..as an extra bonus..these fools storm off, only to contact you 12 hours to 2 weeks later and wanting to "make up and be friends again". You've removed them from your life. Tell them however you want. Politely or just plain "no". In fact, being terribly polite and not wanting to hurt their feelings is pointless.

Know why? Because you said it yourself. She's controlling. She doesn't like to be told "no".

Gotta do it kid. Start with not calling her. Wean away from the phone calls and taper them off to nothing. This'll take about two weeks.

In the meantime...each time she calls, check the caller ID. If it's her, let it ring. If she blocks the number, answer no calls you don't know or recognize. Thats what an answering machine is for. Return a call about 5 days later. Usually at a time when you know she's getting ready to go to bed. When she says she's too tired to talk, tell her you'll call her tomorrow. Then don't.

Always make up an excuse as to why you didn't call back. It'll work. Avoid seeing her unless necessary and even then, divuldge no information and look for someone else to talk to.

It'll work. Just remember. This requires a conscience effort on your part. If you do this properly she'll be gone. Some people just have to be reminded to take the hint. Its a battle of wits. Think you have what it takes?

Answer 2

Wow! I can relate 100% I was best friends with someone for eighteen years. Although I knew she was jealous of me, talked behind my back, and may have had an interest in me "rumor" she had hurted me more than she could have ever known" I tried telling her, we would argue, stop talking and get back together. I knew our friendship wasn't really healthy, but we had really great times together, I just brushed it off everytime, I wanted to end our friendship but just did not know how, and simply could not imagine her not being in my life. "for heaven sakes she was the god mother of my children". So I begin to pray and ask god to help me make a decision and bring a true friend to me. Well he gave me the anwser to leave it, but still did not listen. what happen was she finally got mad at me because i met a real good man and she got jealous an i did not chase after her to see what was wrong. We havent spoken in almost a year now. and at first i felt so lonely and empty. but with support of loving family and associates along with my boyfriend, I thank god it's over. It was her loss anyway. "I really tried to hang in there" Good luck. I say let her go. sounds like 20 years of hell.

Answer 3

It appears that she doesn't have time for the relationship or she is a friend who wants to be buddies when it is convienient for her. That is the type to stay away from. When they call, do not call back. Get a phone identifier so you can see when it is her. If she comes to your house, don't answer the door. Unless she is extremely dumb she will realize you are done with her. If that doesn't work when she calls tell her you are upset with her trying to control your life. She will try to say she isn't so just don't answer her, just keep saying it until she shuts up. You have to be consistent too!

Answer 4

First of all it sounds like you guys have helped each other through thick and thin and thats what BFF do for each other. I can tell your peeved at her for telling her family stuff you said was tyo stay between you and her. I can just say do not tell her stuff you do not wish shared to other people your leaving yourself wide open to being hurt. But really if you wish to end thisa friendship then tell her. Or just tell her to stop being so bossy and controlling over your life I mean it sounds to me like when you had a guy she got all jealous. It's time to tell her that she is getting on your nerves.

Answer 5

lots and lots of distance, dont feel guilty because you no longer enjoy the company of someone that makes you extremely uncomfortable, your "friendship" will begin to feel like a chore since you no longer have much in common besides her trying to tell you how to live your life. I had a friend like this, I needed to stop it quickly, and they got hurt and definitely started the guilt trips, but they REFUSED to understand that before we knew each other that I was very independent and value my privacy, and that if they could not respect that then we needed to see each other less often. This individual was with me almost 75% of my awake time and would spread personal and sensitive information to all their friends like my life was a newspaper. I still act pleasant with that person but I know my limits, like keeping them at a distance but not being rude, not talking about personal and private matters, and most importantly NOT RETAINING A FRIENDSHIP THAT MAKES ME FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE JUST BECAUSE THEY MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY.

Its not self centered, its appropriate, you should be able to control who you spend time with, the company you keep, and your personal information private, if they cannot respect that then hey, "kick'em to the curb" LoL

Answer 6

Well one thing is clear she does care about you even though you are mad at her dont forget to see that. Some people are just controling that is part of her personality. If you dont want her to tell everyone don tell her things. My cousin is the same way. I know she Loves me like a sister she just can help herself

Answer 7

I had a friend that was kinda them same except she also slept with all the men i dated. We grew up together and i always thought well she will change and grow up well she didn't and even with the past we had,I had to let her go because she was a bad part of my life that i needed to week out .

Answer 8

You could do one of two things, ignore her completely, or be honest with her. It is not in your best interest to be friends with someone like this. Best friends don't tell other people about each other, especially when it is about relationships and personal issues. Her behavior is destructive and you should not be obligated to associate with someone like that. You are in a good relationship with a guy, and she is disturbing it, and it is in your best interest to cut her out. Do you feel comfortable telling her this, or ignoring her? It is whatever you feel comfortable with. You do not deserve to have a "best friend" like this, and you are not morally obligated to be friends with someone like her.

I hope this helps. Email me if you would like. Good luck!

Answer 9

Just try to start putting distance between the two of you.

Answer 10

arthritis also hangs on for years but we want it to go away don't we? she is bad news--you don't keep friends because you've known them for so long--you keep them because they add joy to your life--do you even know what a friend is?
you need to improve the quality of your life.